BPDFamily.com

I posted this on another section but I thoughts post was more appropriate.  My spouse with BPD traita moved out over a week ago.  I did want to make it work, now as I reflect I am thinking it's best to leave the toxic relationship.

Here we are 10 days after she left.  This week started off with her extremely upset with me over for what I feel was not my due to anything I had recently said or have done.  So she came and got more of her clothes that were in her closet and said she'd be back the next day to get the rest of her clothes, she has yet to come back for them since.  It feels like she is using getting her stuff as a way to hurt me.  Not certain but she only says it when she upset.

We are currently texting and talking as she is no longer upset, actually being nicer than she has been in a while.  She is still wanting to move forward with separation.  She came by the house recently because my daughter needed to grab something from her room. My wife and I talked for about 15 minutes and she actually shed tears and gave me a hug.  However, she made sure my daughter couldn't see her give me a hug by looking around for her first.  Thought that was odd, why would my daughter care? What is my wife telling her?  I just feel there could be potential for her trying to tell my girls and her parents her perspective of what happened, which is most likely not consistent with the truth (not uncommon with her).

I expressed to her how this is difficult for me and how it seemed it wasn't for her.  I mentioned maybe it was because I was alone and she has her parents and our daughters as support.  I offered that maybe we could go to CT and how I wish we could make it work.  She called me later that day and offered to go to counseling together to work through the divorce.  I said, unless we have the goal to work on our relationship we should go to our own T's for that.  Is it just me or was that odd?  I am wondering if that was her being supportive or was it a was it a way to say she would go to CT, but doesn't want to admit it could be for reconciliation?  It could be that she is just trying to let me down easy as well.

Today was a little better.  I have been reading / listening to self help videos for those who are trying to understand a BPD break up.  This is helping me to accept the separation.  In reflection there are so many things I shouldn't have had to endure in this relationship.  Relationships shouldn't be so one sided, I should be able to express my thoughts and feelings without having to walk on eggshells, I should be getting the truth, not constant lying, her impulsive spending behind my back, as I have I have for so many years.

If anyone who is in a similar situation.  The videos I have watched so far are explaining many aspects of how a BPD thinks, what to expect and what not to expect in my current situation.  I am still thinking of my W a lot but it seems the "craving' of her is subsiding a bit at least for todayi

I am struggling with she is in a financial bind that she won't fully admit to me and she is leaving me to sell the house to get the money to.pay off her debts without anyone else knowing. And then possibly trying to get back together after the dust settles. She has said that she is open to anything down the road when it comes to us. I mean most write on here that they leave and act like they don't care about you.  Could it be guilt?  It's hard for me to be dumped after a tumultuous 24 year marriage after trying so hard and changing so.much for her for this to be the outcome. Or is it just denial on my part? 

Hopefully tomorrow will be a slightly better day and I don't regress. Baby steps.