BPDFamily.com

My uBPDh and I have been getting along relatively well about 5 days a week. He then splits me black and leaves me walking on egg shells wondering did I do something wrong? Am I crazy in hoping for reconciliation? Why do I want this so bad that I am risking certain aspects if the divorce is to go through?  So we have had a good about 7 days, hanging out, getting closer, telling each other that we love each other, making a joint effort on us. I truly saw progress in us. Last night, the plan was for uBPDh and SD12 to come over for dinner. Around the time they were supposed to get to the house he sent me a text saying that he had some work to finish up and either we could go to his house to eat or just have dinner the next night. We ended up going over to his house. Though I had a feeling in my gut that I something was off and I was about to be painted black. We get there, he is a little standoffish but not totally. His cousin passed away a couple of days ago and he was telling me how he was doing with all of that, more in-depth emotional conversation than in a long time. I had offered to fly out to the funeral with him to support him if he wanted and he said he would like that but would let me know when he knows more. He then offered the kids and k dinner, as he had bought some of our favorite food for us from 2 different restaurants and made it known that he bought it for us, make sure to take home the leftovers…which there were a lot of as he got a lot. He then decides that he and my SD are going to sleepover at our house. We get to the house, and he will barely talk to anyone, the kids or I. We all get ready for bed. After the kids fall asleep, we make love at the end of which we always say I love you to each other, which I say and he does not respond. We go to sleep. In the morning or 2 year old was wanting her ipad. I looked everywhere but couldn’t find it. He lay in bed looking of into space. I came back in the room, and he says just so you know we are leaving soon. I say ok. I then see him texting with his mom. We go downstairs and I finally find my daughters iPad. He tells the kids he and my SD are leaving, my 2 year old starts crying, so he stays. He sits staring off into space for a while holding our 2 year old. We go to the kitchen. He makes coffee for himself and I make the kids breakfast. As he makes coffee he starts in with all sorts of us moving on to other relationships comments and questions…I used to want implants when I met him so he asked me so are you buying some jugs soon? I say only if you are going to buy them for me. He says I don’t need them, so I say I guess neither do I then. He then says he had a sexual dream about me and then makes a comment that he had a dream that I had a girlfriend. I am straight so I told him that I don’t know why he would say that. I told him that I am happy being with him, I don’t want anyone else. He kept making comments about me moving on and it really got to me so I told him, that I don’t want a divorce, our marriage is what I want!  He started in on repeat of the other times we have had this conversation (and it is always when he is in this mood). He then said we can’t do this in front of the kids, we can talk about it tonight or tomorrow night…we have done that before and it goes nowhere good. It is now about noon and he says that they really need to leave. Every time he mentions needing ti leave it is like it is emergent. They leave saying by as they are walking out the door, clearly not in a good mood. My 2 year old was not happy that he was leaving and we promised we wouldn’t hangout again later that day. She fell asleep not much after he left. When she woke up all of the kids asked if we could go to the pool. I said yes, but invited h and SD. He responded I thought the plan was to being the kids over here. It was, but I didn’t see that going well. I saw the normal pattern of us going over there, the only thing we do there is watch tv, my son plays video games and we play cards with my SD. I saw that happening then me asking to talk about our relationship, our normal conversation happening that he makes up crap and leaves me in tears of him saying it won’t work (though a couple of days earlier he was suggesting that us is what he wants) and me looking crazy. I told him the kids had asked to go to the pool, so I had agreed and that’s why I invited them. I hear nothing back. I then let him know when we are leaving the pool as the kids want to have dinner together. He responds that he and my SD have other plans now so they can’t. Of course I am devastated as I want to see him as do my kids, but I am also torn. I feel like even though I feel like crap, questioning myself and wanting to be with him really badly right now, I also feel
Like I did the right thing, it’s probably best that we don’t see each other and even have the opportunity to go down the bad path, though part of me thinks he wants that to justify his earlier words. Saying these things to me about new relationships for me, is his new thing and way to get to me. I know that is exactly what it is, to get to me, to see where I truly stand with things, etc. How do I not take the bait?  I am sad, but am telling myself that so much progress was made this week and today alone by you not going to his house. Even though my worry’s tell me I ruined everything by doing so. I hate that I can be so strong with everything in my life, except he threatens our relationship and I am an emotional mess. Even though his words may have no true meaning. I just wish I could let him ride the rollercoaster and I don’t jump on, today I only partially did physically/mentally, but I fully did emotionally though I don’t think he has any idea.

I also want to add, that after we had a couple of words, he tells my 5 year old that he is going to bring one of his work monitors over to set it up in the office for him to use for video games, but also so when he needs to finish up work at our house it will be easier. I told him we have monitors, he told me it would be best to bring one of the current ones he uses as it will be best for him with work. He also tells me that he is going to transfer money to help pay a bill that needs to be paid, which he owe part of but had backed out. Nothing has been transferred yet and that he wished we had done our back yard differently. I told him we can still do it, he agreed but said it would cost too much. I look at it and progress is happening but I want it all now. But life doesn’t work that way!

I’m so sorry you’re going through another split. The more I read about family and friends’ experiences with BPD loved ones, I’m seeing that living with one spells out a life of continuous setbacks interrupted by moments of normalcy. Even though I e read from experts that BPD is quite curable given the willingness of the patient, however I’ve also read of patients having setbacks or triggers that ends up undoing months or years of progress. So maybe one never really gets over it? I don’t know…