BPDFamily.com

Hi, new here! I am hoping to find support on this site from other real people going through the messiness of having a loved one (or loved ones) with BPD traits. Mine is my ex-husband. We were together for 22 years and have now been divorced for three. My two teenagers go back and forth 50/50, and are just now starting to open up about their feelings about his toxic behaviors; they feel controlled, manipulated, and confused much of the time they are with him. Unless he's in a fun mood, then he is the perfect Disneyland dad. I'm struggling with how to validate their experience without bashing him. I also see the exact same traits emerging in my 15-year-old daughter and I'm desperate to help her avoid the same fate (broken relationships and hurting other people because of her lack of self-worth).

I look forward to sharing and supporting here! Thanks for reading :)

Do you think your daughter would be open to counseling? It’s often said that teenagers can appear to have personality disorders (often behaving in a narcissistic way) and that it can be just a developmental issue that will pass as they learn to become more emotionally intelligent. That you are aware of this at this point is good and hopefully she can learn some coping strategies that will help her develop a more balanced personality.

Echoing Cat, my lawyer told me, "Court loves counseling!"  Though one teen is in more need, surely they all could benefit from counseling.  If the Ex is resistant or objects, court would more likely side with you for counseling.

My county court, probably like most do, lists optimal but not obligatory parenting schedules.  In normal situations younger children do well with equal time and more frequent exchanges, such as a 2-2-3 schedule.  When they get into the teen years it favored a "home base" was better, obviously for our situations it is with the more stable parent.

Have you pondered returning to court to seek an update to the parenting schedule?  Even if you don't, older teens have been known to "vote with their feet".  Hopefully in the right direction.

Welcome, Lala7! This forum is a real help.

I resonate with what you write, particularly:
I'm not sure the best approach but here's what I'm doing. When my children say something about my uBPD/NPD co-parent (we are separated and divorcing) like "he gets angry at us over nothing" the first thing I try to do is notice how this makes me feel. I feel validated because this is my exact experience. I feel sad for them that they have to experience this too. I feel anger at my co-parent. I feel some guilt that I get to leave the relationship but the children have to live part-time with him. I feel fear that the children are not equipped to deal with his illness and it will harm them or they will take it on themselves or they will become alienated from me. I feel relief, pleasure, and vindication--sweet vindication!--that they share difficult things with me. It is amazing how a child's comment, sometimes just made in passing, can bring up so many emotions and thoughts for me.

How to respond? I'd love to hear what others say. It feels essential that I validate the children. Lord, do I know what it is like to try to tell someone my husband is an angry person and they tell me how affable and kind he is to them. And yet, with our children, we know how important it is not to bash our co-parent--we know this both intellectually and morally and also from the experience of being bashed.

I've been responding "I'm sorry he got angry with you" and "oh sweetie, I've experienced that and it is really hard." I do not say I've experienced it with their dad but keep it more vague. I really have to hold my tongue to keep from saying more.

Depending on the situation, I might ask the children a question such as "How did it make you feel?" or "How did you respond?"

I might talk about how I feel when someone is angry with me and ways (both that I'm proud of or regret) that I responded.

I will talk in generalities and use myself, not my co-parent, as the example. My children complain that their dad brings problems to them they can do nothing about: parentification. I might say, "Yes, I've experienced this too and it is no fun. All adults, just like all children, have problems. That's normal. And we all need to talk about our problems with others. For adults, it's important that we take our problems to other adults. Who do you think I go to with my problems?"

Finally, there are times when I don't know what to do and I'm increasingly saying this to my children: "I'm struggling to know what the right thing to do here is." And because two of my three children are in counseling there are also times I say, "Why don't you bring that to Therapist? I think s/he is better suited than me to talk about that." Many times I've told my children therapists are both neutral parties and professionals trained to deal with these very issues. That's why we use them.

I am also new here and what you describe is why I feel trapped. I am afraid to leave the relationship because at least while I’m in it I feel like I have some degree of influence on what is said around my kids. I’m afraid if they are solo they will take the brunt that I urgently shoulder. I know it’s not logical because letting them see the behavior isn’t good either way.

All of that being said, I have really struggled with how to validate my kids observations without badmouthing my husband. I will say it errs more on the badmouthing than I would like :/