BPDFamily.com

I have been on this journey a long time, but the other day it occurred to me for the first time:

I understand that my dd's abuse of me is because she has bpd, but does my dd understand that she is abusive of me because she has bpd?

Then I started to wonder if I should - if I can find the right moment - tell her that  this is the case?

Does anyone know if their child is able to connect their behaviour to the fact that they have bpd? I am wondering if those who do make the connection find it easier to be committed to getting help.

My BPD kid is 24.  We found out when she was around 15, confirmed it around 16 but wasn't officially diagnosed until 18 because that's one of the criteria.  She knew something was off from a very early age though- I saw something off when she was maybe 5 or 6.

Depending on how young the person is, it may actually backfire on you by telling them.  Once my kid knew in her teens, she blamed bad behavior on that and lashed out even more at us because we weren't understanding...like nothing was ever her fault because of it.  For instance, once she set our living room on fire dripping candle wax on the carpet...it wasn't her, it was the BPD.  But it also backfired when she was down because she's admit the mental illness was there and feel completely helpless because of it.

From our experience, the only thing that genuinely helps is maturing and wanting to see real change.  My daughter is far from "cured" but she's taken therapy seriously and is doing awesome in life.  She just broke up with her ex of 2 years and while she's way down, she's getting through it without any real meltdowns.  Tough days, sure...but we all have them at times.

Not a child... but my ex used accused me of throwing her "sickness" in her face. I knew she was diagnosed with depression, she told me. She was referring to something else. I never used the word "sickness." I responded that I only wished she'd get help, then she said that to me.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

PwBPD feel intense shame, and though she might be aware of what we perceive as abuse, the dysfunctional coping mechanism to lash out is instinctual.

I once asked her what went through her head when she lashed out at me or family members and she responded, "I just want everyone else to feel my pain!" Major insight for me! And it told me that it was seeking validation.

Thanks so much for the replies - very helpful for me because I think that when these things come into my mind, I process them with a rational mind and get caught into thinking dd will be able to respond to the logic of what I say.

Your responses remind me of the complexity of bpd and the result of their turmoil is what we live with.

So pleased your dd is doing well, particularly under her current circumstances Pook075 and thanks for sharing your daughter's quote Turkish - one I will remember for sure!

Not my child, but my n/BPD X knew something was off and frequently blamed me for not embracing her anxiety/depression/rage/entitlement/absence of empathy...  After years of individual and couples therapy, she would sometimes acknowledge her behaviors, but assert that these aspects of her personality were not bugs - but features.

So in a way, she had some self awareness / insight - but as others noted, this awareness was used to invert responsibility - i.e., the world (everyone else) should show more appreciation for her, instead of responding in a way that led to conflict and disappointment...

I'll never say never, and I do believe that all of us are unique and every situation is different - but I'm not sure that what you think and what DD think can ever be calibrated and aligned and validated in a lasting and durable way.  Honestly, sometimes it's difficult to achieve good understanding with healthy and rational people - when emotionally volatile and disordered thinking is in play, odds are not good for self actualization...

But there may be moments of relatively copacetic coexistence, particularly when DD believes she is getting what she wants/needs/deserves/etc. - or is positioning to get there.

Thanks Eyesup especially for the thought 'in a lasting and durable way'. There are moments when dd doesn't actually apologise for her abuse, but explains it as her need to let out the tension/anxiety/pain etc she feels and she does this to me to sort of get rid of it.

At these times I feel like she understands the emotional turmoil she is in - but I wondered whether she was able to think 'I have bpd and this turmoil is a symptom of that illness'.

But it is not 'lasting' or 'durable'. Anything can trigger it and she is totally convinced in those times that her version of things is absolutely correct.

It is a nightmare.

I'm reminded of the famous quote from Joyce's Ulysses:

History is a nightmare from which I am trying to awake


Was the reference to the personal history of the character who said the line in the novel, or was it a broader reference that applies to, collectively, all of us?

Some of us have a strong sense of self, strong memory, actualization...  Others, less so. 

Recognizing this difference can be hugely important when attempting to level-set our own expectations - for those with BPD - or in general.