BPDFamily.com

I'm not entirely sure what I expect to happen here so I'm just going to say what's going on.

We've been married for almost 10 years, with an 8 year old child that has severe physical disabilities and deafness.  My wife has always exhibited BPD behaviors, though I didn't realize that's what it was as she had been diagnosed as bipolar, and for the first 9 years, she only "split" or acted very strangely a few times, which I figured was due to mania or depression.  Also our life is very, very difficult due to our child being unable to walk, talk, feed himself, potty himself, etc.  If you try to imagine trying to raise Stephen Hawking as an 8 year old deaf boy who can also flail and kick uncontrollably you can get an idea - I don't think anyone in this situation can really 100% coolheaded all the time, we can only try.  But even given this, most of the time my wife seemed happy, to think I was the best thing to ever happen to her, and could not bear the idea of me ever leaving her, which I now understand as idealization.

Then a year ago she had a heart attack and required open heart surgery.  This was terrifying for both of us.  And when she awoke, she had changed.  Her BPD tendences magnified by 5x-10x.  She was generally irritated with everyone, but became fixated on my mom, who had come to help with her convalescence.  She used to love my mom and got along with my her way better than I ever have, but now she saw everything she did as an attack or accusation (eg: my wife had instructions to avoid physical activity while her chest healed, and my mom tried to take over, but all my wife heard was "you are damaged").  She seemed to retroactively recall every critical thing my mom had said in the past 9 years and be upset by it, even when she didn't appear upset at the time.  My mom eventually went back home (she lives across the country) and this behavior subsided a bit.  But then my wife became fixated on having a surrogate baby, accusing me of not wanting one, that I thought she was a bad mother, etc.   We'd discussed it before - although we are well off, we are in our mid-40s and our first child is such a handful that we worried that we couldn't provide the proper attention to a second child - but it was like she forgot this.  Still I was actually considering it - my wife is an amazing mother, probably better than I am a father, and it might help give our son some stability when we are gone.  But then she told our son I don't love him and consider him a burden.  I let her know that this was really not acceptable behavior no matter how terrible the father is, though he didn't have his cochlear implant on and I think the statement was more for me than him.  But the fact that she would do this made me scared for him, and think we really should not have another child until she was more her old self.  In response she started talking about having a child *without me* (from a sperm donor I suppose).  Then she suddenly stopped pursuing the issue, having apparently been told by someone else - I never learned who - that this would threaten our marriage.  She said this like it was not an obvious thing but instead an interesting bit of scientific fact she had learned.

The hospital had her follow up with a neurologist and they found she had a tiny stroke at some point and a small benign tumor in her brainstem, but the neurologist didn't think this would cause a personality change.  The hospital wanted my wife to see a therapist (standard procedure after open heart surgery) but she refused.  I eventually went to a therapist myself, not knowing how to deal with this changed person, and that's where it was suggested that she have BPD.  I read more about it and was shocked at how well it described her.  I didn't tell my wife this, but all the same she seemed to hate me seeing the therapist, and it was like a minefield trying to answer questions about what we talked about without setting her off, so I eventually stopped.

My mom returned a few months later to visit for a couple of weeks.  Per my wife's request I tried to keep my mom away from her as much as possible, while my wife stayed in our bedroom.  But she was still livid about what limited interactions she had with my mom, going on long rants when I came back to bed (eg: my mom had elbow pain but wouldn't rest when my wife asked her to, putting people's lives in danger every time she drove).  I was really worried that my wife was obsessing over my mom and asked her how often she thinks about her, and she said, "only when she bullies me".  Then she stopped talking to me for about a week.

After my mom left I asked my wife if she was going to tell me what was wrong, and she said our marriage was over, and we could either have a divorce or be separated and coparent.  She said that she could no longer trust me because I had "taken my mom's side".  When I expressed my extreme doubt about how divorce would affect our son and our ability to care for him, she came up with counterexamples of other divorced couples with disabled children.  But she agreed to go to marriage counseling.  I managed to find a counselor that had experience with BPD and we had 4 sessions, that seemed to go well, but very slowly.  In the beginning she told the counselor how she had "died" in surgery and was a new person, and how she couldn't trust me, but it later changed to be more about how she didn't want to be in the same family as my mom, and divorcing me was a way to discharge that obligation.  It seemed like she couldn't tell the difference between me and my mom anymore; almost like she was just mad at someone and that someone could switch between us.  On the day of what would have been the 5th counseling session, my wife was angry because I had explained that divorce had wrecked me as a child, and pointed out some friends of ours whose children are suffering from their divorce, and was offended that I would put her in the same category as them.  So she refused to go, and I went alone.  When I returned home she told me that 4 sessions was enough, that they had taught her she needs to set boundaries and that I'm on the other side of the boundary, that the therapy was for me and not her anyway, and that she no longer loved me.

Then, a few days later, she seemed to change back again, and sent me a meme about PMS where some lady felt embarrassed about her behavior, which I guess was her explanation for why she split (without knowing or saying the word "split").  On Father's day my wife was jubilant, sending me images of our son's birth, bought me cakes, treats, and cookies from a bakery, and started talking about how we should have another child.  I asked if she would see a therapist, at which she abruptly split and left the room, which hurt especially since it felt as if she'd been disingenuous, buttering me up just to ask about having a child.  She said I don't listen to her because I suggested she go to therapy even though she knows she doesn't like it, that she doesn't need me to have another child, and she doesn't want one with me if I require her to see a therapist.  She said I was being controlling.  I told her that I think we could have another kid and be a happy family, but we need to resolve why one week she says she doesn't love me and wants a divorce, then the next wants another child.  She said that just means it was the end of the line for us and she is afraid if she stays with me any longer she will start to resent me.  She never filed for divorce, though - I think she wanted *me* to do this, or at least to agree to do it, but without actually asking me to?

A few weeks later and she seems to have forgotten this again.  She seems content.  Two days ago she was talking about how we should retire to a beautiful beach town with lots of shops.  But it's tenuous and weird.  She kisses me goodbye when she leaves the house, but we haven't had sex in 4 months because she says she still can't trust me.  She's been having headaches and dizziness.   The neurologist has ordered MRIs and EEGs but not found anything serious.  I am worried for her, but at the same time, she has always exaggerated every health problem she ever had while never seeking treatment for them, as if she actually enjoys having something to feel like a victim about?

I love her, but the situation also makes me feel icky, and sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have discouraged her intentions to divorce.   But when I think about my son, I really, truly feel it's absolutely essential that we stay together.  I think it could destroy him.  And as I said before, I can't think of many cases where divorce was beneficial to a child.  And my wife, unlike my own mom, gives our son amazing opportunities that not even able bodied children get to experience.  And her family is much more supportive than my own.  I have long assumed we'd have to move to her home country when he was older just because in America it's such an "every man for himself" mentality and I can't envision anyone in my family stepping up to help him when we're gone.

I have been reading the Eggshells book.  It is one thing that I feel reassuring and comforting while everything else is up in the air.  So I thought I should finally post on here, maybe it will help somehow, as well?

my brother, i am in no way qualified to really offer much advice on your situation, but i will let you know that i read every word of your story, and you have my most sincere sympathy. i dont mean that in a patronizing or flippant way.  you are doing God's work out there, and i can tell in your words that you are hurting badly but that you are also deeply committed to doing the right thing by both your wife and your son.  i am in an awful marriage that i am committed to for the benefit of my two young girls (they are 6 and 9, so your son is right in the same range), but my girls are fully healthy and it's STILL sometimes so stressful that I feel like i'm goign to lose it.  there are many more qualified folks on here than i am who will probably offer you much better advice than i can.

i will say - i think you should read "understanding the borderline mother" and "stop caretaking" after eggshells.  eggshells is a decent enough read, but it's a little soft around the edges.  the two i listed are much more direct and cut through a lot of the BS. 

stick around the boards.  there are a lot of good folks here who have been at least in teh same shoe store as you, if not the same shoes. 

i can tell you are a good man.  keep being that.

Hi FarDrop77, let me chime in to welcome you to the group. You have so much on your plate right now, and like Smedley Butler mentioned, you're among friends here who care about you and understand your situation.

Your story of how your W sees family relationships as "choosing her or me" sounds really familiar. If you browse around through other members' threads here, you'll find similarities for sure. pwBPD (persons with BPD) struggle to work with the reality that you can care about your parents AND your spouse, for example, and can see love as a limited quantity, where if you love or agree with someone else, "by definition" you're not loving them and not agreeing with them. Really difficult part of the disorder.

Glad to hear you've found stability in reading and reflecting on SWOE. We have a book review section (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0) you can check out if you're interested in more titles, too.

So with everything going on in your life, I'll start small with just one question  *) and we can go from there --

what kind of non-family care/support does your son receive? Any other in home care, respite care, wraparound, state funded support...? I know you and your W love your son, and at the same time, I'm wondering how we can decrease the stresses and responsibilities on you so that you have a little more in the tank to navigate your marriage.

(Both my H's sister and my H's other sister's husband's brother are adults with Downs syndrome, and neither are functioning at a level to live independently, so I have seen a bit of what it's like when a loved one has 24/7 needs -- it takes a lot of energy even when you have a lot of love).

We can walk with you through this, as you figure out what you want and need moving forward.

Again, welcome;

kells76

Thanks, I will read those next... I have a somewhat  logical mind and reading materials like this really seem to help me put things in a perspective that makes it less scary.

Yeah, that is one of then things our counselor was trying to help her get past.  Also my W seems to see her relationships to otbers ("daughter in law","mother","wife") as being part of her identity, and that it's very stressful for her to handle so many, maybe that is part of it.


We're in California which offers us I think 30 hours of respite a month (in our case a college student and family friend of ours to babysit), and actually pays an extra amount for in home support (they don't provide the support, just the money to buy it, which we put that into savings).  My wife was partly raised by nannies (a cheap service where she's from) and is adamant we don't do this with our son, even though we can certainly afford it.  While she was recovering from surgery I tried to hire a nurse,  but she hid in the bathroom and said I was trying to kill her by bringing in germs from outside.  I tried to explain the nurse was there to help her as well, but she seemed to see this as me saying she was inept or a bad mother.  I suspect her heart attack  really made her feel bad about herself and that she projects these perceived failings onto me and others.  So getting help is a delicate subject.  I'm trying to persusde her we should move to Singapore to be with her family, which I also hope will have a calming effect.  But while it's generally more advanced there, the disability services and special needs education there are not up to par with California, so it we want to wait until our son is older.

Thanks for your kind reply.  It is hard for me to make myself vulnerable like this - I have this mental image of myself as being capable and rational and having it together, and it can be hard for me to accept letting anyone see the cracks.

you almost certainly ARE highly capable and rational...youv'e made it this far right?  but we can all use outside help.  and we ALL have cracks in the tough exterior, no matter who you are.  i'm an active duty Marine combat vet - i make a living being capable and rational! - , and i got so far out on the ragged edge with my wife that i had to get help or i was going to lose it.  and you have way more on your plate than I did / do.