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Look I don’t know where to turn to be honest I’m in a lot of pain So my ex wbpd broke up with me about 7 months ago we dated about 2 years  I just found out that she engaged with the ex she left me for even tho her reason of leaving me was I can’t do relationships quite a sting that she couldn’t tell the truth then the past 2 months she has been attacking me on social media  I just don’t understand. I feel like I meant nothing I can’t understand how cold someone can be especially when she attacking me sharing my business like it front page news i should be the last thing on her mind

hello baba,

what I found out during my relationship and after was that it wasn't about me at all.   

I found these boards while I was still with my Ex and we were trying to make the relationship work.    It failed in the end, but I got to learn and see the BPD live, during the course of the relationship.

I remember people telling me not to take things personally and while that sounded nice, I couldn't really see what they meant until one day.

She was talking about relationships, which wasn't abnormal, she was always talking about relationship issues.   And she said something, about someone else, out of context it doesn't mean much, but the lightbulb went on for me.

You see my Ex has these big old wooden buckets.   Each bucket represents a need.   Something she needs to feel alive and okay.    One bucket could be named Love.   Another Attention.   Another Conflict. etc.  etc.  She constantly, constantly monitored the water level in those buckets.    It wasn't about the person who was pouring water into those buckets, it was about the water level in the bucket.    Her eyesight never focused on anything other than the water level.  She never really saw me behind the bucket at all.    If the water level in one bucket got low, she artificially generated ways to get it refilled.

When my Ex and I split up she left with all the drama you can imagine.   I was a horrible person who had hurt her abominably.  I was mean, nasty, mentally ill.   blah blah blah.   and then she proceeded to stalk me for about 2 and half years.   I mean she turned up everywhere I was.   everywhere.   so she could tell everyone with in ear shot what a horrible person I was.  and how frightened she was.   :(    and create more drama.    and convince herself that it wasn't her fault the relationship ended.  (hint.   it was)    and be the victim.    and get more sympathy.   

at the time it was killing me.    we come out of these relationships so crushed.   now, a long time later, I can see it for what it was.    never really about me.   I was just an object in her game.     

the best thing I did was not engage.   kept my distance.   was quiet and cordial when we ran into each other but removed myself from her drama.   and tried to take care of myself and rebuild the things that had been damaged during our relationship.    part of what made her campaign so effective was that it built on things that had a grain of truth to them.   I had lost my temper once, with her, but took it out on myself.   Can't even begin to tell you the milage she got out of that.  I think she told everyone in a 200 mile radius that story.    I had a lot of work to do, on me, to get comfortable with that story.   to forgive myself for being human.   to rebuild my self esteem.

what do you think?

'ducks

Thank you for this well my ex contacted me early in the morning to try to accuse me of helping her ex sexually assault her for the posts that I made because somehow my post can make other people sa people

This is spot on. And expanding on this a bit, they don’t realize the bucket is getting low because it has a leak that needs to be fixed. No, it’s somebody that’s stealing the water! And then they unleash the fury.

With my ex, I was amazed sometimes how she could make connections of completely random, separate events to justify the missing water and pin the blame on someone. And even when I was not the main “culprit”, it was still my fault for not protecting her buckets.

sounds pretty wacky to me.   

how did you handle the contact?

Not well every hostile then it continues today I try to make it calm it down but she to much in her  emotion so I was going no where but I did write a long message to her to get what I need out

Do you think it's a good idea to continue this conversation with her?  Could that be throwing gas on the fire?

I also found out that my wife was pursuing another man when we separated almost a year ago, all while she was saying that she was meant to be single.  She said the break up was all my fault, that I was a terrible person, and that I couldn't be there for her emotionally.  And like everyone else here, I believed those lies and let them devastate me to the core.

After months of counseling, prayer, and self-reflection, I realized that I wasn't any of those things, that I didn't do anything wrong, and that our marriage fell apart because my wife suffers from BPD.  Everything she did was a textbook BPD break-up and nobody could tell her any different- even her parents and her pastor at church.

I shared all of that to tell you this- I know how badly it hurts and I know how incredibly unfair it is to have someone you love tear you apart from the inside out.  The ONLY lesson for you to learn at this point is that this had nothing at all to do with you, that your ex would have ripped out any guy's part and she'll eventually do it to her new boyfriend as well.  She left him in the past exactly the same way she left you, and if you're not careful she'll leave him again and come knocking at your door. 

Resist that temptation brother because nothing good will come of it, even though you may desperately want that at the moment.  She is sick and until she seeks treatment, she'll spend the rest of her life running from something and blaming the rest of the world for things not working out.  It literally has nothing at all to do with you.

Well we came to agreement so hopefully that will stop now

This is one of the things that scares me most and one of the main reasons I decided to end it. I found out she was still in contact with his ex and when I confronted her, she would blame me for that, saying that I was treating her badly, not supporting her and pushing her away. 

At one point she flat out admitted than even if she thinks I am texting with another girl (paranoia) she would text a guy because that makes her feel “safe”. She even bragged that she cheated on her other partners as payback. She justified it by saying “I respect the relationship, not the feelings” so even if we break up for a day, I am free to do anything just like you.

I was not gonna stay around to keep testing this theory. Being discarded, abused and cheated would destroy me. I haven’t read much about infidelity and BPD so maybe this behavior is not a common pattern.

She has been in treatment, but I know with borderlines , there’s really nothing for them but once it kick in it over you know I hope she stay gone for good

if you don't want contact with her, you don't have to respond to her when she pops up like this.

Oh I know and I won’t this time around I got every thing off my chest so I’m good to go

How are you doing today Baba?

Unfortunately, it is a very common pattern.  The pwBPD almost always has a new "favorite person" in place before the discard and they often jump straight into new relationships without giving it a second thought.  In my case, my wife became manic from the sudden freedom of not feeling married anymore, and she lived her best life for several months.  Good for her, I guess, because it's not my problem anymore.

 I have a question for you, so , what happened after she lived "her best life " for several months? Did she went back to BPD rage ?

I'm not really sure- my daughter says she's happy but she's also depressed quite a bit.  My wife always hid her feelings (until she exploded), so most people didn't notice.  She doesn't seem to be judging me anymore though and admitted last week that it was her fault for never talking out what she was struggling with.

Again though, not my problem.  People get to rip my heart out exactly once in life.  I forgive her and wish her the best, but she's responsible for her mental health and I won't be dragged into her drama.

 Yes. If you read that essay I posted somewhere else, it describes this. They always have the 3 minutes of reflexion and sincerity after they realize, then go back to the BPD behavioral cycle. It requires therapy, not just saying a few words.
 My ex is not on that state, in which she claims to be on her best life. But she had been at that stage before me and came crashing down. Usually when a shock comes to their lives, all the BPD reactions come back again.

Bravo!