BPDFamily.com

Because of my spouse's career, we have now lived in different states for about 8 months. During this time, I have come to realize that when we were residing under the same roof:
-I walked on eggshells daily, having no idea what would set off my spouse
-I was just going through the motions day to day
-I avoided most communication out of fear my spouse would explode
-I was blamed for everything wrong in our relationship
-I gave up my dreams so he could pursue his
-No matter what I did to try to be the person I thought he wanted me to be, it was unmanageable
-I could go on, but I'm sure you know what the experience is like

I have since seeked out a therapist and regularly attend Al-Anon meetings as my spouse also has a issue with drinking.

I am currently working on myself and am able to focus on my own self-improvement with the distance between us. This has been very good for me.

I am reading both "Splitting" and "Stop walking on eggshells."

Does anyone have success stories of making the relationship work if the BPD partner does not get treatment? Or, as my therapist suggests, is it time for me to move on?

Having your own space definitely allows you the time and space to see things clearly. Focusing on your own healing and deciding what you can accept and what you cannot, is a priority.

The difficulty in getting people with BPD into therapy is related to the shame and self loathing they feel, and extreme reluctance to delve into those feelings. This article sums it up well: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

Staying or moving on is a very personal decision.  Does it get better without therapy?  Un-professional opinion…Probably not.  Can you manage without them getting therapy? Depends.  My personal opinion - There should not be abuse and so you need extremely strong boundaries (and be able to maintain them), the ability to emotionally detach and be indifferent, a very strong emotional support system (friends/family) for you that is away from them, and an ability to see more good in them than bad.

Getting them into therapy will be FAR better.  If you can’t or don’t think you have the strength, it would be better to leave as resentment will grow, and he will feel it too and things will just get worse.

My wife is in therapy and trying hard, but she will never be “cured” just like an alcoholic isn’t “cured.”  Behaviors can go into remission.  Opinions are prolific, and mine is one of many that exist here.  A friend and my sister both told me to sit in the uncomfortable.  Listen to yourself.  Don’t make snap decisions but also don’t ignore the little voice inside you telling you what to do.

Thank you both. You have reinforced things I had been thinking. It's reassuring though to hear it from others.