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I've been feeling so codependent, worrying about this person, and that person trying, struggling to detach from this place, worrying what people think of me, because I get too wrapped up in the place, worrying about debts I feel have to pay, worrying about trauma building up if I don't work on it. And worrying about pleasing other people and my pets too. I think I have the right attitude kinda, but I just have a huge heart, so it's so easy to get off balance.

Anyways, I like to use songs to remind me of wisdom that I need to hear, and I woke up thinking of the song "Garden Party" by Ricky Nelson. It's about not being able to make everyone happy, so making yourself happy. And I think ultimately that's what codependency is, it's poor timing, poor priorities, poor focus. Being happy is about doing things that make you happy.

The best reason to have a sense of ethics, isn't to be perfect to others (which is impossible anyways), it's because ethics eases your mind, it causes you to not feel conflicted and miserable, it helps you be happy, and honestly, it takes time to improve your sense of ethics, you can't change it over night, so it's best to not rush the whole process.

Sometimes I listen to rap music, and that's one of the things I like about it, is that there's a lot of messages about pleasing yourself, or not caring what people think. It's why, even though old school Eminem would never fly these days, I think it was genius how he pointed out all the ridiculous things that people do, which I can totally relate to, and saying "I don't care if you judge me, look at you".

Anyways, I'm gonna go listen to some music that helps me feel this way, maybe some old school Eminem or something. Gonna let the world burn. Maybe you should too? Does it really please you to want to be with someone who abuses you? It doesn't to me, who deserves that?

Duty can get you into trouble, it's gotten me into trouble in this whole mess, both in my healing journey, and in the build up before it. If you wanna pay debts, pay them when you want to, unless it's absolutely necessary. Talk to people when you want to talk to them, focus where you most want to, unless it's absolutely necessary to do otherwise. It's your life. And this, it's my life, not a damn person can take that away from me. Peace.

I am in my 40's and this was my first Narcissistic type relationship I have been in. Don't get me wrong, I was from a very co-dependent family but at least we looked out for each other dysfunction and all. So my other relationships were definitely toxic but we all still talk and have happy memories. All through high school and college we listed to DMX, Wu-Tang, and Dave Matthews. Those people put me first, both friends and SO's. I thought that is what real life was like. The more I age I'm learning it is not that simple. They are still out there, you just have to know who to trust. I am working on boundaries and saying no which is good but I get confused as to what is people pleasing and what makes me happy. I guess that's the void that we and the cluster b's share and why we are drawn together like birds of a feather. Peace and happiness to you my friend.

Well, to play the Devil’s advocate, they’re not noted for their exceptionally high distress tolerance, and combined with their penchant for emotional dysregulation, and high rejection sensitivity, none of the abuse is specifically personalized. They’re not in the driver’s seat half the time. 

Having said that, dealing with that sh!t was utter torture, and enduring that behaviour was shaving years off my lifespan.

They seem to have an uncanny ability to sniff-out people who will gladly march through the gates of hell for their sake. I most certainly fall into that category. 

What a waste of precious time and energy, completely devoted to someone who was entirely without merit.