BPDFamily.com

I know it’s unlikely. I know it might be irrational. I’ve been wanting to post here for the past two days, to tell my story, to get support. But after writing everything out, I’ve become terrified of posting it because of the many distinguishable features that she would immediately recognize. She’s very active on online message boards (especially Reddit) and I’m terrified she’s looking at this one too for some reason, waiting for me to post.

Any suggestions on how to get over this fear? Do I just scrape all the distinguishable features (and also, in many ways, the heart) in my story? I’m only 2.5 weeks from the  first (and definitely only) breakup  so I’m still reeling.

Hi TheRedLion and welcome -- glad you found a way to reach out and post for some support.

You're not alone in working with fears that the pwBPD in you life will find you here. *raises hand* I've been one of them, too, and there are enough weird and unique features in what has happened in my life, that I have also felt that concern that "if she searches for 'art show' and 'BPD', then I'm toast".

I've been posting here for over eight years, reading for more, and have never had any sign that the pwBPD in my life (my husband's kids' mom) has found me. And I think we would know if she did!

What I can say is that as of March 2019 the site had ~110,000 members. Of all those members, I can think of maybe 10-20 (this is 0.01%) who were actually found. In those specific cases, it is because the member: used a shared device/computer and didn't browse privately, left passwords on auto-fill, forwarded posts verbatim to the SO, told the SO about the site, was using the site to communicate directly to the SO... etc.

If you aren't doing those things, you're fine  *)

The other thing you can think through is that you're in the driver's seat here. You get full control over what you post. Use common sense like not using real names or nicknames, not saying where you live or what your job is, not posting verbatim emails/blog posts/etc, and, when in doubt, giving yourself time to think before clicking Post. When you finish typing in that box, allow yourself a moment to sit with it, and check in with how you're feeling. You can start at a level of detail you're comfortable with, and stay there as long as you need to. You may discover that over time, you're more ready to share more. That's pretty normal.

How are you doing after posting above?

Keep us in the loop -- you're among friends here.

kells76

Thanks kells76. I appreciate it. I guess I’m not doing any of the things you’re warning of, but it doesn’t stop me from irrational thinking (probably due to my abuse and the irrational thinking she used against me constantly).

Posting here has already been  a bit therapeutic. I’m still in shock, but have my first therapy session tomorrow with a specialist who focuses on BPD.

Like most on here, I’m quite broken and different from who I was prior to this relationship. I’m having trouble sleeping, losing motivation for things I really value, and always tired. Plus, my ex comes back to my city in just under a week (the first time since we’ve broken up), and I’m terrified of what’ll happen then. I’m LC but I am unsure about how I’ll react if she wants to meet again. So maybe that anxiety is also playing into why I’m so afraid.

Luckily I’m aware of what she has done wrong and the effect she’s had on me, and intermixed with my fear is real, palpable anger. I think between this message board, therapy, and a fantastic group of supportive and validating friends and family, I’m in a good place to start my healing process. I hope I don’t regret those words lol

Welcome to the fam.  :hi: RedLion this is a safe place. The only way you will get found is if you make it so. Try to keep things as anonymous as possible. We protect privacy here very strongly and that is so everyone can feel safe and feel free to share their story.

I do not believe you will have any regrets here. Please feel free to share as much as you want to and ask as many questions as you need to.

In the meantime please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

Thanks for the warm welcome SinisterComplex. I will make sure not to do anything distinguishable enough to break anonymity, and am very happy I have been able to find this community.

Dealing with a pwBPD is of course very isolating, so I feel both shocked and  lucky to have found a community of people with experiences that, in many ways are unbelievably similar to mine. I’ll share my story soon (likely after my therapy session) and appreciate the support from everyone here. I hope I can offer similar support to others going through what I have gone through (and am currently going through) too.

Take your time. Whenever you are ready to share then do so at that time. The only thing I will add is that when asking questions make sure to provide context and perspective to receive better responses. This is a place where the more you put in the more you get back.

However, always keep in mind that you are under no obligation or pressure. The only obligation is to abide by our board guidelines. If you do ever feel pressured or there are any issues please reach out to myself, Kells, or any of us staff you see at the top.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

I know the feeling well RedLion! And I suspect many. Kells makes some really good points here...and Kells is a wonderful support here on the boards.

The feeling, I think, comes from our fear of making our xBPD partner 'mad', and 'getting in trouble' with that person. For me, that came (comes, still, really) from hope that we will somehow get back together, and by posting here I'm ruining the chances if she discovers it.

Speaking up about our treatment may be hard in the relationship, and it feels like we are risking something by posting here and looking for support, perhaps a way to end the confusion.

Also, there's a little sense of betrayal here for me. Like I'm hurting her in some way. And, maybe, like me, you were told that talking about the relationship with others is a betrayal. This thinking can keep us isolated and afraid, which I think is the point.

I hope you can find the support here you need.

Thanks jaded7. I've condensed what you wrote above. The three sentences I've quoted really hit home for me. I was told that talking about the relationship with others is a betrayal. I did feel isolated and afraid. And I did fear retaliation, walking on eggshells just to appease her. I still can't believe a lot of what I did.

In many ways, I'm realizing that I'm going to need to rewire my brain. I've been trained to react in a way that is actually detrimental to my own well being. I'm sure I'm not the only one. So hopefully therapy offers that support. And reading anecdotes on this page have also been therapeutic in its own way

Wait until you progress into the anger stage of the grief process. We are going to have to hold you back! However, its the best stage because you finally start really caring about yourself again. It's a tough journey with 2 steps forward and 1 step back but we are here for you!

They fear us telling others what they are doing, what they are saying. Mine even told me "I don't talk to people about our relationship", which was meant as kind of warning. Of course, in the beginning she DID talk to people about our relationship, she even would show and send me texts she sent friends ABOUT me- he's really nice to servers, seems to know a lot of people in the neighborhood, is always saying hello and talking to people. That was early on, but later when her behavior became very hurtful and confusing, it was "I don't talk to people about our relationship".

I think you really nailed it, we fear the retaliation. Which then gets us walking on eggshells, being cautious, wondering what they are thinking.

UnbalancedForce - I can’t wait for that to happen. I oscillate between fear, anger, and shock about the whole experience. There have been so many moments of realization about the relationship in the last few weeks. The good news is the shock has been decreasing and the anger and fear has been increasing.

Hopefully the fear subsides with the help of my T who specializes in BPD and my own anger grows. I keep having conversations in my head with my dexpwBPD and I can hear myself getting less sympathetic and significantly more critical/clear-minded/self-oriented. It’s an odd feeling. I have never been an angry person in my life, but if there’s ever a time to be one, it’s now.

jaded7 - My ex, after going on a dating app, said that me telling my friends was a “dealbreaker”. As you wrote, she said she wanted things to be worked out between us, not with others involved. She was afraid how others in my life would perceive her, more afraid of their perception than my hurt. After that, I stopped communicating negatively about the relationship with my friends and family. When I messed up, she could tell everyone. When she messed up, I somehow ended up apologizing. I didn’t want them to have a negative perception of her either. What I failed to understand was that there wouldn’t have been a negative perception if she didn’t break boundaries, lie, gaslight, split, and abuse

It’s been very odd now telling my friends/family about the abuse. They’ve been so surprised by this sudden switch in my discussions about her. I had before been so positive, so happy, according to them. They had no idea what was really going on. They didn’t know the boundaries she broke, the lies she told, the splitting, the manipulation, the abuse. But they’ve all believed me. I’m very lucky to have them. And they all told me to never hide the truth about my relationship from them ever again. Her asking for me to hide every negative event was yet another addition to the seemingly-infinite list of red flags I overlooked and misguidedly understood.

TRL...the one tidbit I want to respond to is that you should never hesitate to call someone out on their S :cursing: behavior and you should never ever feel you need to cover up someone's S :cursing: behavior. The moment you even feel you have to hide stuff like that you know there is a problem and you need to begin the process of distancing yourself from that person. I say that as a tip for you to keep in mind moving forward in general. This is an opportunity to learn from your own mistakes as well. So take what you can from the experience and strive to create a better, stronger, version of yourself moving forward.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

I remember having similar irrational fears when I was still together with my ex the first time, close to 15 years ago now. We were having troubles and I, being quilted of things I did and didn't do, was afraid of making any moves in fear of loosing her which seemed to be a constant threat in the background. I wrote to a forum about my feelings and the state of the relationship. After a few hours I was terrified and sure that sooner or later she will end up reading it. So I asked for a removal, and they did remove it pretty quickly.

But, before they did someone answered to the thread and among other things that person wrote "Sounds like you're can't really be yourself in your relationship". It was probably an obvious conclusion of the text I posted, but I was moved by how true it was, and I remember this was one of the eye openers for me at the time. "It's true", I thought, "I'm not a bad guy, so I should be able to be myself". We broke up after a while, and this idea became really important to me.

Remember your worth, and that this is your life. Other people should have only little say in how you live it. Including your ex.

SinisterComplex - You're right. She did somehow expect me to cover up her behavior to my friends. Which was a huge red flag. I still can't believe how self-detrimentally patient, understanding, and empathetic I was throughout this relationship. I'm realizing that along with her diagnosed BPD, I allowed these things to happen. I kept getting pushed away and walking right back to her.

My new T who specializes in BPD suggested, as many others on this forum have said in their posts, that that is exactly what she wanted. When her fears of abandonment kicked in, she wanted to push me away, to do something that was upsetting to me, to see if I'd walk back, hold her hand, and sit beside her. The one time I demanded stricter boundaries, she blew up and threatened to break up with me, later claiming to be the victim of my words which were somehow emotionally abusive. In some ways, I fell for the trap. There was no right answer. And by not telling anyone, I isolated myself and allowed it all to happen. You're right. This is an opportunity to learn from my mistakes. I don't have trouble seeing grey, so I can see how I enabled this abuse (and her thinking). Whenever I finally get into a new relationship in the far future after much soul searching and therapy, I'll be a much wiser man. I just gotta trudge through a lot of mud to get to that point.

Biggus - It's amazing how so many of us exiting (or close to exiting) BPD relationships have similar mentalities and fears. I read a research paper stating something along the lines of: There is no strong evidence for a race-based, gender-based, biological sex-based, ethnicity-based, religion-based, socio-economic class-based, or other categorization group-based overlying connection among those with BPD. The only statistically significant shared experiences among pwBPD are troubled households (many but not all), sexual abuse as a child (many but not all), and having parents with a personality disorder.

Yet somehow, many of those on this forum seem to have similar experiences in a relationship and similar experiences ending one. It seems like you, myself, and many others fear that our pwBPD will find our post. We fear retaliation for speaking about them in any way other than positive, even if it's anonymous and to complete strangers. We have trouble, as you wrote, "being ourselves" in the relationship. And we often blame ourselves during the relationship, only realizing later that we aren't perpetrators, but instead victims. The pwBPD is a victim of their own disorder, and we are by proxy victims too.

You're right. No one else should be able to dictate how I live my life. And no one should tell me who or what I can or can't say to my friends. This is something I will have to really hold onto in the future.