BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I’m new to the  group.

After 20 years of marriage with lots of ups and downs,  I discovered a book about BPD, after his last outburst. I thought I was reading about my own husband.  I finally understood what I’d been dealing with, along with his narcissism.

In some ways, I feel like a victim and a fool.  On the other hand, I have a strong urge to leave. 

Right now, I’m searching for online therapy rather than in-person, so that he won’t know I’ve reached out for help.  I suggested marriage counseling to him over 10 years ago, and he refused to go. He was livid, and I discovered he hates the idea of therapy.  So I got therapy secretly, on my lunch hour — he was totally unaware that I was getting  help. Now I’m seeking therapy again.

We’re both senior citizens now. Splitting up would be a huge challenge for many reasons, financial and otherwise.  Meanwhile, I’m having a hard time coping with him, after realizing it’s BPD and he’s not going to change. I’m also very angry at him. 

Any suggestions on how to cope?

Thanks so much.

The anger and resentment that is felt once one realizes that they’ve spent years being *duped* by their BPD partner is definitely something to deal with. Therapy can be very beneficial here.

The classic pattern is to enter a relationship that seems (at first) the answer to our dreams. Our partners are loving and attentive and shower us with praise, affection, affirmation—often something we’ve previously lacked, maybe even in our family of origin.

At some point when the commitment is solid, then the other side appears: hence the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde analogy. This side is often angry, vindictive, harsh, critical. Many of us wonder what we’ve done wrong and perhaps even agree with the criticism and try to do *better*. However no matter how hard we try, our *better* is never good enough and we get stuck in a loop of hearing endless criticism/victimhood and striving to do our best, which is never enough.

How to change the dynamic? First we have to step off the crazy merry go round and reclaim ourselves. Often we have lost who we are, as we are so focused upon our partner’s distress and dissatisfaction.

Next, it’s incumbent upon us if we are going to make things better to become the emotional leader in the relationship. We certainly don’t announce this, particularly with partners who are also comorbid with narcissistic personality disorder. What I mean by being the emotional leader is being in control of our own emotions and rationality, not at the whims of someone who is emotionally unstable.

Learning new patterns of responding to our difficult spouses can change the dynamic for the better. Take a look at the Tools at the top of this page for new strategies that will help to turn down the emotional temperature.

Anger and resentment is understandable. Not only for the time we feel we have had 'stolen" from us chasing fixes for false dramas, but also being in a position where we feel trapped and unable to easily turn around going forward.

This is a trap for people who believe they can fix things by using some tricks and tools to make a dysfunctional situation functional. Spending many years on what often turns out to be a failed effort is time you never get back, and resentment kicks in hard, with not a small dose of anger. Once this comes to the surface it becomes even harder to cope and smooth things over.

I am coming around to thinking once constant anger and resentment sink in it is impossible to let it go, and starting again, despite all the difficulties involved, is often the only option. Otherwise your own inaction can turn the anger against yourself for allowing it to happen, and continue to let it happen. Being older do you find yourself often thinking the only way your life will get better is simply by outliving your partner? A morbid question I know, but it kind of gives a benchmark of where you are at emotionally