BPDFamily.com

Looking for a bit of outside perspective on a situation tonight.

My family has been getting ready for a trip to mark the end of summer vacation for the kids this week. We were planning to leave today (Friday) but like I expected, not enough was ready and packed for us to leave until Saturday.

We spent today finishing getting everything ready to go early tomorrow. Cleaning trash from the car, picking up medical supplies, feeding everyone, and a short stop to get art supplies because the kids love to draw.

Right after we got home, SO got a message that new glasses were ready to pick up near where we just had been, about a 30 minute drive from home. Nobody wanted to go back out right then. The store closed in about 5 hours from the message.

Both kids wanted to play on Switches and I wanted to watch some YouTube videos we all like. So I sat down with them and started one. SO came in and wanted to do a sewing project for the younger kid. Youngest kind of ignored her and by the time I paused the video (about 5 seconds), her feelings were hurt and she decided there was no sewing project and left to rest in our bedroom. When I checked a bit later, the lights were out and she was lying down.

Awhile later, an online game I play was doing an event I wanted to participate in with some other people. To work it well I needed to at least hear them so I used earbuds to join.

In addition, she is having medication delivered but the timing is messed up so we wouldn't be getting it till after we planned to leave the state and we can only get an additional 7 day supply temporarily. She found out about this 2 days ago.

About 1 hour before the shop closed, she came out of the bedroom and asked if we were going to get the glasses (mine will be in a week, elder kid already has). I had forgotten we needed to go and was getting dinner ready then. Dinner was pizza and could easily pause since nothing was cooking yet. I was also still chatting with a few friends in the game.

She expressed: that no listens to her or pays attention, that I'm on chatting online more than I realize, that she hadn't gotten the medication problem sorted out and is too late now (in a way that sounds like I should have done more), that she didn't think we were eating at home so food wouldn't be wasted.

I can get engrossed in voice chat and have a hard time saying bye there. However the last time I was on it, while at home, must have been two weeks or more ago. I know it's been more recently on a lunch break during work.

I left her medication up to her. Even if everyone would talk to me about it, why should I be responsible for a grown woman's medicine orders?

And how is making pizza that a portion of might not be eaten more expensive than going to a restaurant for 4? Everything for pizza was in the house and it was already a meal we planned to have at some point.

Most of those are rhetorical questions but I feel like I didn't do anything to ignore, disrespect, or invalidate her and at the same time it seems like I completely failed with today.

Something to keep in mind with BPD partners: feelings equal facts.

It’s pointless to state that you weren’t ignoring her “needs” or that you are listening and paying attention to her.

And really, is the level of attention she expects reciprocal?

People with BPD tend to get into these *butt hurt* phases where they’re all into the *poor me*—nobody pays attention to me, nobody loves me, nobody respects me, nobody listens to me, etc.

No amount of trying to convince her otherwise will work, and appeasing her sets in play a dysfunctional pattern in your relationship.

When my husband gets into one of those moods, I generally use a throwaway line like, “That must feel really lonely/uncomfortable/difficult”—or whatever the moment seems to need. Then I exit the conversation. Ideally I go and do something elsewhere, giving him time to self soothe.

The more I *feed the dragon*, the hungrier the dragon gets. The *poor you* or *let me make it better*  will inevitably just exhaust you and won’t get the job done.

Don't let the details distract you.

She feels something, looks for proof, finds it.

The best we can do is to create a validating environment. Most of us do a good-enough job.

100 percent validation isn't realistic.