BPDFamily.com

My older brother has BPD. He is my only sibling. I'll try to shorten as Im sure this is a familiar story. He is 43, lives alone in a neighboring state. I am 40, married with an 8 yo and 2 year old. We did not have a relationship for over 15 years. I didnt know what his problems were, but I knew they were not safe for me so I lived my own life. My parents are amazing people and I am very close to them. They have continued communication with him and will never stop loving him and supporting him the best they know how (I think enable sometimes, but they really do try thier best). About 6 months ago he had a full breakdown, my parents flew up there to help and after a quick hospital stay brought him back here for a couple weeks. Since then he has seemed to be trying to better himself. He has apologized to me on a couple instances. He offered to take our dog for some puppy training. My mom and I even visited him for a few nights with my kids and while it was an awkward there were definitely good moments (hiking and gift giving). We have plans to go back up in a couple months to get the dog and visit for a couple nights. He had an episode this weekend. Triggered by me purchasing a pink collar for the dog. He sent an 8 page text to my parents and I. It attacked me on a couple of instances, but also shared and apologized to my aunt from an instance 20 years ago. Said he is trying to change but its hard. Was abrasive, aggressive, and confessional. Ended by telling us not to respond in any way and with I love you all, goodnight.
I have zero tolerance for BullPLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm). Probably from dealing with him and how he treated me for over a decade. I cut him out before and my first reaction was too be like "ok. Get your act together for 5 years then maybe ill give you a chance again" but I also heard from my Dad that he told him he probably has BPD, so ive started researching and he definitely does. His rant wasnt all bad. His reaction to the collar is something I cant understand, but thats because I dont have BPD, and I guess I dont need to understand. But I also dont want him to think he can attack me like that. I dont know what to do. What should I do?

 :hi: Welcome to the group, glad you found us - sorry it was necessary.

Siblings with mental illness can definitely be a drain; I have a brother with Bipolar who sounds not dissimilar to your own, except he's spent most of his adult life still living with our parents...and yes, they enable him and his addictions, because it helps them feel necessary if he's dependent. The lengthy text messages are also familiar, we actually invited him over to celebrate holidays with a few relatives at our place that he'd never been to before...after he went home, it was just a flood of text messages that he can't believe how irresponsible it is to have children when living so poor and why aren't we more like him and successfully...err...unemployed living in our parents' attic? My primary dBPD actually once led me and another to fit of giggles listening to the answering machine as it was a gobbled mess of hysteria...then beeped, then hit 1 to hear next message...and it just continued, she'd had to CALL BACK after running out the timer, and just continued on where she left off lol. Try to picture them as though wearing a hospital gown, when you can - remember this isn't "them" speaking, it's the mental illness.

Sometimes I think text messaging has increased caregiver fatigue by a factor of 100.

People with BPD have high emotional lability and are slow to return to baseline. Often, boundaries are non-existent. Add to that the invasiveness of texting and it's like BPD on steroids.

If you have zero tolerance for BS it's going to be challenging.

The fact he is confessional would make me wonder if he's truly determined to get well ... or understands it throws a fog of confusion into the mix.

In my opinion, what you should do is talk to your brother whenever you want to talk to your brother.  Establish boundaries with him- this is okay, that is not.  Be very clear and stick to them.

What you shouldn't do (again, just my opinion) is avoid him.  He's mentally ill.  At least part of this is not his fault.  He's trying, ad you should try at least a little bit to meet him halfway. But again, that's halfway with boundaries in place.  Don't just show up.  Don't yell around my kids.  Don't judge me for buying a pink collar.  Stuff like that.

I hope that helps.

This all helps greatly, THANK YOU. I *think* I understand what you are saying about questioning the confessional part. I actually took that as hes trying to help us understand how he is feeling - but now maybe not.
I agree about not avoiding, over the last 6 months I can see he has tried to make an effort. So I dont want to just cut him off again completely, it feels a bit heartless, especially now that I've been researching about the illness. But I am not okay with an outburst like this - & it makes me fearful for future interactions as I have been upset about it - less about the actual attacks more about the sadness that he is not well and I cant fix it, and I feel awful for my parents. At first I had said for my folks to go get the dog and minivan and that I and my kids would not be seeing him, so my mom proposed that to him and he said "no no, stick to the plan" so now I guess I have 2 months to see what happens? Give him a shot to recover? It would not be hard to not communicate with him again - he lives in a different state, he hasn't been around for over a decade so its not like he comes to events and functions, and ive been cautious this year in not being overly engaging. I have strong boundaries with people, but my boundary is usually an all or nothing. I have gotten better (in-laws will do that to ya) about peacefully coexisting with people I dont always agree with. I guess im trying to see what the benefit of having a relationship with him and exposing myself and children to him could possibly be and what that would look like.

There is a "radical acceptance" aspect to this when it's a family member but that has to be balanced with boundaries you have control over, whether it's hanging up, walking away, saying no, taking a break.

Compassionate boundaries are actually quite tricky emotionally.

Boundaries can take a lot of effort to assert, and the compassion, if it's not made out of titanium, can introduce other feelings that may undermine the boundary. I find that it's much easier to have rigid boundaries in many ways but not necessarily who I am, so there's dissonance that doesn't sit well. I'm trying to feel ok with the tension between having compassion and asserting boundaries but it's a work in progress.