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Do people with BPD ever feel any guilt or remorse about the lies they tell? For example, my wife’s latest male supply source also had a sexual relationship with her sister many years ago (her sister says this man took advantage of her when she was intoxicated). If her sister knew that my wife was even interacting with him, much less being sexual with him, she’d lose her mind. So my wife keeps it a secret from her. She then tells me she has no interest in men or me yet I know that she and this guy are “an item,” based on years upon years of observing her behavioral patterns (and our dead bedroom for the last few months). Does any part of them know they’re lying?

Also, what kinds of lies have you been told throughout your experience?

I was with my exH (uNPD/BPD) for 19 years and my uBPD/NPD bf for 6.5 years.  I saw so many lies… so many obvious lies.

I am convinced they both knew they were lying the second those words left their mouths.  They just didn’t care about it and both believed I was naive enough to believe what they were saying.  Maybe they believed their own lies in the moment, but who knows?  Or they couldn’t remember what the truth actually was?  But I’m sure if confronted, it would have been “someone else’s fault”.

In my case, when I would ask the questions it was after the thing happened, so I already knew what the truth was, so their lies were proven.   Most of the time, I’d shake my head in disappointment and walk away.  That always shook them up.  In my mind I was like “why ask why…”

And guilt or remorse?  Maybe… if they see that you KNOW the truth but you say nothing.  That stings them.  If there’s any conscience there.  But they easily forget and move right along to the next hurtful thing.

I’m still so sad at how I lowered that bar of acceptable behavior, and for how many years.  It wasn’t just the lies.

Hugs to you and your children,
Gems

The ease of lies is due to compartmentation, black and white thinking. In this case its of a matter of her thinking this is her business not your business, Your questioning her on it is seen as imposing on her entitlement. So no, there is no guilt or empathy for your situation.

pwBPD have no real fence line between truth, delusion and outright fibs and most of their tales wander freely back and forward across these boundaries without missing a step to project whatever image it is they want to paint. It is often difficult to determine which area they are in as it often contains elements of everything. Once said they convince themselves that is the reality and will defend it with full conviction despite being presented with evidence to contrary, and will go into full victim mode if you try.

Typically this confrontation we try to avoid and so often start to doubt our own realities first, so often it takes a while before we fully realize we are being manipulated. This is not something that happens in "BPD episodes" it is their permanent way of thinking, it just comes to our attention when it involves something that is confronting and toxic. Hence we can often be coerced into their alternate reality.

Thank you for your thoughts, Gems. That's so it. I'm being told now that the reason why my wife cheated so many times (including being convicted of a sex crime) was because my "lack of intimacy" was the trigger every single time. 17 years together and now I'm the reason. Okay. Sure.


I'm starting to wake up to this myself. We don't win an award for being the logical one, do we? Sigh…

Uncle

Wonderfully described, Wave. Thank you for that.

Uncle