BPDFamily.com

Hello!

I'm wondering what I should stay to my friends and family about my loved one's behaviors.  My partner is undiagnosed non-conventional BPD/NPD.  There have been a number of times when she's threatened to break up with me.  I've since realized that this is mostly a trauma response to feelings of abandonment.  I have confided in a couple of my friends who are therapists that I believe she's borderline.  But when most of my friends or family hear about this behavior they are left confused.  I'm not going to tell them my suspicions about her diagnosis.  I want to encourage them to be supportive of the situation as opposed to encouraging me to break off the relationship.

Thanks so much for the forum!

I don't usually post here (have a dBPD parent) but you can keep it general and short like they're going through a hard time. We're working on it.  People usually don't ask further questions after hearing that.

it really depends on:

who you want to talk to: the nature of your relationship with them, and the nature of her relationship with them.

what you want to talk about: specifically, and also how deep you want to get into it.

why: do you want to vent, do you want someone to challenge you, what sort of support are you looking to get from them.

support from outside parties can either be strengthening or polarizing.

Hi usagi, I would say talk to friends and family with a lot of caution.
(1) most likely they will not understand. They will either tell you to get away from the relationship, or give you "normal" relationship advice (which you may know doesn't work for a relationship with a pwBPD);
(2) after a while if you stick around, those people will "no longer support" you, because they told you to get away but you didn't, so you're just asking for trouble;
(3) word may get back to pwBPD. pwBPD may be angry that you're talking about them behind their back. Trust me, you will automatically be demonised by the pwBPD.

So I would say, unless the friend/ family is actually a person with knowledge/ experience with BPD, most likely the talk would not yield actual help. You may be able to release you own emotions or feelings of hurt/ anger, but don't expect practical help or improvement. If anything, it could make things worse, if the friend/ family member doesn't know how to handle the information you've shared with them.

I’m fully candid with the people I feel are mature enough to handle it and who wouldn’t inappropriately disclose what I’ve shared.