BPDFamily.com

After doing some reading, talking with my therapist, and lots of reflection here are some things that I feel I have learned about my partner who seems to have UBPD.

1. She can't be alone for long periods of time.  She can manage for some periods but only if she knows well in advance what's happening and can find things to keep her busy.  Business trips, trips to see family or friends, and time away from the house have to be well coordinated.

2. She needs a lot more love and reassurance that most.  If she starts to feel at all unloved she'll get dysregulated.

3. When she does get dysregulated I have to suspend disbelief and just exist in her world.  If she thinks that I killed JFK then that's OK in the moment.  I'll get a chance to talk about how that doesn't make sense when she gets her senses back.  No point in trying to argue when she's dysregulated.

4. Empathy is king.  When she gets overwhelmed with emotions that is the most important thing to recognize.  It may come with a lot of blame and anger but she can't calm herself back down and that is extremely scary for her (and me).  I need to keep as calm as I can and be that rock for her to let her know everything will be OK.  That means not taking things personal and letting her know her emotions are valid.

5. I'm a human being and have my limits.  I have my bad days and sometimes I can't keep my ground.  If I get overwhelmed and start throwing things back at her it's time to take a break.  I need to tell her that I care about her and that is why I need to step away so I don't keep spinning her up (and myself).  This isn't a failure.  Recognizing my limits and my own emotional state is important.

6. She loves me dearly and is a wonderful person.  That's why we got together in the first place.  I feel like when I learned that she was expressing traits of BPD/NPD it was like she got in a car crash.  The thing is that this emotional car crash happened when she was a child.  I have basically two choices.  Stay with her and recognize that I need to learn some skills and make some sacrifices in order to take care of her, or leave.  I recognize there may be a time when I would need to set aside too much of myself to care for her.  But based on what I've read here there is hope.  Things can get better.  Just like with anything you can get more efficient and effective with practice.  I can't take away the trauma she experienced that lead to this condition but I can learn to care for her.  And it's worth it...

You sound like you have a very clear mindset. Yes, things can get better, and yes, there’s a lot to learn. What is automatic in our healthy relationships can be counterproductive with a partner who has BPD. Have you read the Tools at the top of this page? That’s a good start.

Thanks =)

I've started to work through the resources on this site.  Lots of folks have recommended the tools on this site and I am working through them.

I realize that I have a role to play in how I can help my partner and myself.  Before I came across this material I felt pretty helpless.

I wrote this post when I was feeling pretty positive.  We are at the top of the roller coaster and so it's easier to feel like things will work out.  In the past this is when I'd take a deep breath and hope that it would be a while before things would take a turn.  This time I'm keeping focused on improving my skills now instead of trying to do it in the moment.

 @Cat Familiar

Can you elaborate on this a bit?  I'm not sure I feel like much of what I do in a relationship is automatic.

Thanks =)

As an example, I’m very forthright and I say what I think without sugarcoating it. My husband sometimes has doubts about whether he said something in a diplomatic way and will ask my opinion.

In the past, I could have said, “Yeah, that was rude of you to mention that.” (Unfiltered honesty on my part. If someone said this to me, I’d appreciate it, as obviously I was being clueless, and maybe next time I’d do better.)

Well, there’s this little issue of BPD, and you can imagine what would happen next…

“You hate me. You’re always criticizing me. I’m never good enough for you.”

And before I knew about BPD, I’d be thinking WTF? You asked me for a critique!

So now I hedge. “How do you feel about what you said?” “How could you have been more precise?” “What would you say differently?”

In this imagined scenario, he might press for my opinion, and I’d say something like “I’m not sure your communication was received in the way you hoped. Did you see the expression on her face? What do you think she was thinking?”

Another change that I make is that I use “I” statements rather than “you” statements.

I had an opportunity to do this last night. He asked me to do something for him that was insignificant but I didn’t want to do it. “I’m sure that someone who works for you can do it tomorrow.”  In the past, I would have said, “Why don’t you do it yourself? You can easily do that instead of asking me.”

A big potential issue we often talk about here is not JADEing (Justifying, Arguing, Defending, Explaining). I’ve learned to be more assertive and have good boundaries, and to remember that “No” is a complete sentence.

By being more mindful with my speech, I’m able to nip in the bud communication issues that start going sideways. Nowadays I catch it before tensions arise. Makes for much fewer conflicts.




 

Thanks @Cat Familiar

It's funny, I had been through some other relationships where I was much more quiet about my opinions.  Working through that process, I came out of my shell quite a bit but now I'm not able to use that voice.

When you say it’s ok in that moment if she says you killed JFK and you can talk about it later, what exactly would you do/say in the moment? I’m asking because I find it hard to find somewhere in between not arguing too much and not ignoring/grey rocking too much so they think I don’t care.   

How about, “Tell me more. How did you come to understand this? What about that is important to you? When did you start to believe that?” etc…

Who controls the questions, controls the conversations. (Often)

What I've experienced with my partner is that often when she calms down and gets her footing again, she'll make statements like "I know you didn't do..."  So eventually she comes around to that logical conclusion anyway.  So it doesn't do me any good to rile her up more in the moment by contradicting her.

You have to think ahead to that person that you are comfortable with and feel you can talk to.  She'll come back eventually.  Until then, just stay in her world.