BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone.
There's something that's been in my mind since yesterday, and I wanted to ask what do you think.
So, two days ago we went with my parents and some family friend's to a festival. Everything ok, my BPD father might not be easy when he's at home, but he's charming when friends are around. So, everything well till he wants to go home earlier than my mother and I, and he says goodbye to everyone. In my culture (and our friends culture), we kiss in both cheeks when we say goodbye. So he does that to everyone (everything normal), and then he goes to me (not normal). Not normal because I already told him that I don't want him to kiss me or hugh me. I don't feel comfortable, after everything I've been through with him, to have physical touch with him. Did he forgot about this, wanted to save face in front of people or just didn't want to respect the boundary? Who knows. I only know that he went to try and kiss me, I dodge and said "No", he got pissed off and went home pissed off.

My mother went to talk to him when we got home, to test the watters. She said he was sad, but knowing him, being sad and angry it's the same thing. He said I didn't love him (not true), that I was an ingrateful bad behaved brat (I think that's not true either), that what he did in the past wasn't that bad (defenetly not true) and that young people these days "blah blah blah". The next day he was sulking all morning and added the silent treatment (to me, not to my mom).

My mom and I went out, each other to do our own things, and my mom got a little bit earlier because my dad wanted to continue their talking from the other night. This is the...surprise? The other night they were taling for an hour. Yesterday night they talked...for 10 minutes. My dad was as happy as if nothing had happened, said some sappy things about wanting me to be happy and wanting to earn my trust and then asked my mom "About what you wanted to talk?". When he was the one who wanted to talk. And then acted like nothing ever happened.

I'm SO confused. Did he forgot totally about what happened? Is it manipulation, fear of being abandoned? It feels like a push and pull, and it's not the first time this happens. He might no longer hit things, but he keeps (wich is also the core of the problem) the same elements that makes our relationship difficult. I would like to talk to him someday about my pain towards what happened, when I feel ready of course. But it makes me doubt him and his good intentions whenever I see this.
What do you think? Is this normal on BPD?

Hi Tortuga.  

It sounds like your dad is struggling with your boundary- not to be kissed which is cultural practice for him.  

You have a right to your boundary because it makes you feel safe.  

Let him work through the adjustment he needs to- it may take him more time than you want it to.

It’s an interesting question: “do BPD really forget “?

I wonder if the psychiatrists have an answer to this.

I think it depends.  I’m not a psychiatrist . Just the daughter of a complex mom. Perhaps if they were in a dissociated state or rage they could forget.  But if not that, I think it’s more likely they’re just in denial or trying to sweep it under the carpet and forget it.

I once made a reference to something my mom had done in the past and she replied “let’s not talk about that”.  She remembered.  

She had been harassing and nagging us that we had to pick her plums.  They were green and hard as rocks and inedible.  We picked them when they were perfect for picking. We had about 6 cases of them which made storage and refrigeration an issue so we left one case in her fridge.  When we went back to pick it up a few days later she had thrown it in the garbage.  We were upset that she had nagged us to pick her plums and find homes for them, only to have her throw the case from her fridge in the garbage. She likes to make work for us cs it gives her attention when we are at her place.  But she didn’t like having a case of plums in her fridge so she simply got rid of them.  When we were upset she had thrown them out ( we were going to dehydrate them for ourselves), she brushed it off and dismissed it.  We had spent over 6 hours picking her plums.

Her strategy was to “forget it happened “

Yes my mother can be in a rage one minute, then act as if nothing happened.

I think if she's been in a very dissociated rage- she may not recall exactly what happened, but I do think she recalls that it did happen.

I see these episodes as similar to a child who has eaten too much candy. They get a stomach ache, throw up, and after that, they feel fine and run off to play.

PwBPD have difficulty with uncomfortable feelings. Projection is one way they deal with it. I see these episodes as being similar to the kid with the stomach ache. Once the uncomfortable feelings are gone- they feel fine. If they feel fine- you should too.

Going back and discussing what happened can lead to them getting angry. It's frustrating as we feel a need for resolution. They don't. Acknowledging the behavior can also cause shame and that is a difficult emotion.