BPDFamily.com

I have been married for 2 years and dated my now wife for over 6 years now, however, since I got married and we started living together it has been total chaos (much of it related to an infidelity on my behalf a few months before the wedding).
We have been trying to get our relationship and trust back, however, the mood swings, yelling and self inflicting damage (vomiting and cutting) have made everything way worse than it should be.

I have been doing my part, going to therapy, couples therapy, providing for our family and really trying to be a better person overall; however, no matter how much I try... the mood swings are still there and take a toll on me, my energy and happiness everytime.

We are at a point now in which we no longer live together and have taken sometime to really think if we should continue our relationship which has had its ups and downs but has taken a turn for the worse in the last few years... what advice can anyone give me?

Is forgiveness too much to ask for a BPD as to look forward for our future?
How much more can I do before giving up? Do they ever change?
How can you raise a family in this environment?
Is it wrong to bring a child to this world knowing that it may be born with a mental health problem and have to live through all of our problems?

Hi Spouse of BPD -- glad you're here. You've gone through some emotionally challenging stuff over the last 8 years, and especially the last 2 since your marriage. Just know that this is a place where people understand getting to the point of asking those hard questions like you're asking.

This just sums up having a partner wBPD, doesn't it:


One of the challenging things about staying in a relationship with a pwBPD is that you can kind of think of it as an "emotional special needs" relationship. For example, physical special needs or disabilities can be easier to see and seem more tangible. If your W were permanently paralyzed and used a wheelchair, then you could see that, and you would have different expectations of what she could do than if she didn't have to use a wheelchair. You might still love hiking in the wilderness, but you wouldn't expect her to be able to join you on every trail, and you wouldn't be angry that she couldn't. It might still be sad or disappointing not to share that, but you would accept that that's a limitation in your marriage. Sure, maybe one day there could be an amazing medical intervention, but you aren't treating her like she can walk right now or angry that she isn't "trying harder".

"Emotional special needs" like BPD may need to be faced similarly, though it can be harder because perhaps "she seems normal" much of the time. Her BPD traits and behaviors are emotionally limiting. She can't do relationships the way "generally normal" people can. Her ability to have "generally normal" emotional intimacy isn't there -- she can't do that trail 100% with you. Maybe one day if she personally chooses to engage with therapy, she can move towards more emotional abilities, but right now, she can't do it.

Not every person is able to be in a relationship with person with intense special needs. It is okay for people to decide for themselves -- could I commit to someone, knowing they cannot do XYZ and barring a miraculous intervention, probably never can? If XYZ is a core value for you, it is okay to say: it's not fair to the other person for us to be together if I'll always be wishing s/he could do XYZ when I know right now s/he probably can't, not in the way I need individually.

It's also okay to say: I accept that this person may always be limited in area XYZ, even though it's important to me, and I see that I need to make adjustments in how I get my needs met and what I expect from my partner. I choose not to be resentful of my partner's limitations, and to make changes in my life that accept the reality of my partner's condition.

Both approaches are okay to choose.

You've tried individual therapy and couples therapy so far. I'm curious what feedback you've heard in those sessions, and what you've learned about what you need and want as an individual, that could maybe shine some light on a path to take moving forward?

I'm also curious about this:


Has this been brought up in any of the therapy sessions? Does your W see vomiting and/or cutting as an issue?

...


So many members here have grappled with the same questions. You're definitely not alone.

pwBPD can struggle with "black and white" thinking, and that can apply to looking at "what happened in the past". It seems like either they "dry erase" what happened -- "I don't remember saying/doing that" -- or they hold on to perceived or actual hurts from years ago, as if they were fresh: "but you got home late once in 2017".

This might connect back to the idea of emotional special needs -- she may not have the ability to have a balanced view of the past from which she can say "even though when you did ABC I felt really hurt, I also forgive you now". It is possible that the best she can do at forgiving you may not "feel" satisfying to you. So it's a live question if you can be okay with an unsatisfying "I'm sorry/I forgive you" interaction, knowing that you may need to move forward with it feeling unresolved. Generally, we need to be emotionally strong enough to provide resolution and closure for ourselves about the past, instead of hoping to receive it from a pwBPD.

In terms of how much more you can do before giving up -- interestingly, that's an area where you get to experience 100% control. You can think about taking this question to your individual T -- I wonder if it'd be helpful to come up with a list, kind of like "here is what I think I would need to do in order to feel like I did everything I could to save our relationship". It doesn't depend on what she does or doesn't do, or "if she really tries more", etc. You're in the driver's seat on this one. Think about what you need as a person, and assume that "what you see is what you get" with her. If she has these severe emotional limitations in key areas in life, and those don't change, would your relationship in other areas be worth it to you? Any answer is okay, there's not a right or wrong answer. It's about reflecting on your needs and values and abilities.

In terms of having kids or raising a family with a pwBPD, I can say that my H's kids' mom has many traits and behaviors of BPD, and while it's not inevitable that the kids will also have BPD, they are both facing intense anxiety (they are 15 & 17 right now) and have been for many years. A BPD family structure is very challenging for kids to grow and develop healthily in, as often, parents wBPD turn to their kids for support, instead of supporting the kids (role reversal).

Having kids is a very personal decision, and again, while there isn't a right or wrong choice, it's one worth slowing down and thinking through, when you are aware that PD dynamics will be part of the family. I think the one statement I can make with 100% certainty is that having kids in a BPD family structure does not inherently make things better or improve relationships. It doesn't necessarily make things worse, but it will not "fix" things. Have you raised this question with your T yet?

Again -- really glad you're here and feel like you can be open and real about what's going on. Feel free to write back whenever works best for you;

kells76

I don't think forgiving someone who cheated on you right before your marriage has anything to do with BPD

I don't have bpd and if i was in that position the minute my partner is unfaithful whether its before marriage or during they would be cut out of my life and blocked everywhere possible with no point of returning ever.

People are different and have different lines that can / cannot be crossed it really depends on your partners if there constantly bringing up the unfaithfulness then perhaps its a much bigger issue than you realize