BPDFamily.com

Hi, this forum has been so helpful.  I have a question, my 24 year old daughter with bpd  will blow up my phone over minor issues..  She is insisting there is a mildew smell in the bathroom that she mostly uses.  There definitely was a smell and my husband and I did everything to try to get rid of it.  The plumber told us to do something under the sink and it worked, for a month.  Now the smell is back.  My husband thinks it’s the humidity and when the fall comes  it will diminish.  She bullied me into calling the plumber 5 days ago and he said he’s coming this week and now she’s at it again.  Sarcasm, unnecessary remarks over text about how we just don’t want to pay a plumber. .  I told her she has to realize that things don’t get done on demand.  I don’t know how to respond to her when she does this.   I get chest pains when she starts this it’s mind boggling that she has no idea how hurtful her comments are.  When she realizes she was wrong she does apologize but will do it again when she’s in a mood

Hi and thanks for posting.  If it's a humidity problem, put a de-humidifer in there for a few weeks and see if there's a difference.  That solves the physical problem for less than the cost of a plumber.

For the emotional problem, there's a super easy fix for that as well- tell your kid to shower somewhere else if the smell bothers her.  Problem solved.

Now, your kid will rant and complain that you don't care about her and all kinds of other silly stuff, which is where you need to calmly state that a plumber has visited twice, you're trying something else to see if that works, and you never said that she has to use that bathroom.

Your daughter may escalate things at that point, and that's when you can calmly say that if your home is not working out for her, then she should make other living arrangements.  This will erupt in a tangent, at which point you can explain that those types of eruptions are not welcome in your home.  If she cannot abide by that, she needs to leave.  And when she erupts even further, you call the police and have her removed.

Now, that might sound like the nuclear option, but the best possible thing you can do for someone with BPD is establish crystal clear boundaries on what's accepted and what's not. 

- If you help out around the house and treat others well, we will show my appreciation.
- If you say mean things to me, I'm going to walk away. If you continue to persist, I'll ask you to leave.  If you don't leave, I will have you removed by law enforcement.

Stuff like that has to be super clear and transparent- you do this, I do that.  Stop accepting bad behavior because what you're really doing in those situations is conveying, "My life doesn't matter since I'm here to serve you.  Bad behavior will get you whatever you want in life so you should do it to me more often."

Talk to your kid and set clear boundaries.  If they take stuff too far, there has to be a fair reaction that enforces those boundaries.  For example, you wouldn't disown your kid because she forgot to take her clothes out of the washer.  But there needs to be a boundary there, if you don't take care of your laundry and others can't use the washing machine, here's what I'll have to do.

Don't think of this as punishment, think of it as self defense.  Your response is a direct action of her actions only...this isn't to get back at her or anything, it's to teach her to stop crossing boundaries and demanding you to accept bad behavior.  I hope that helps!

That’s very solid advice Pook075. I was looking forward to your response on this.

Clear boundaries and being a parent can be challenging but achievable.
@ Crying please stop walking on eggshells in your own home. Involving law enforcement does work with pwbpd. If she escalates and you involve the police she may blame you for traumatising her but remember that she is retraumatising you constantly with these daily transgressions.

Thank you both for these suggestions, they make a lot of sense and are definitely going to be more effective than what I’ve been doing.

Hi, your recommendations for setting up boundaries are fantastic. I struggle with it every day because I am unable to continuously enforce them due to my husband’s lack of support for me. This time, however, I am trying to stay focused although I had a slight change of mind less than 24 hours ago and I am so very grateful for staying focused. It’s very challenging and stressful and the taunting increases with each passing day but it is all worth it if we stay focused. My daughter taunts me that my. ‘Ego is bigger than me, blah blah’ and I keep repeating to her and myself that it’s self respect and not ego- asked her to look up the dictionary for the difference, since one is positive and the other is negative. For now, she has stopped taunting me but will start again any time! Such is our daily life with a child whom we love very much, and struggle for our peace of mind. Please stay strong and determined. Thanks for all your guidance and support.