BPDFamily.com

Greetings to all.

I last posted here maybe 2 years ago.

I divorced in 2021 June - bringing to an end a 20 year marriage to an ud/BPD woman.
We do have a son and I waited for him to grow up and leave the family home.
I left 3 times - going back mainly for practical reasons - but finally got away for good in 2021.
I am 59 shortly.

So I want to report on what it has been like as I figured it might be of some use to others.

A brief rundown - I lived for 1 year next to my mother and saw a lot of her for year 1 and then moved on as I was afraid we were both becoming too dependent on each other. She moved soon after I moved and I now see her every couple of months.

I moved to within easy distance of where my son is working so can see him more often.

He lives with my ex and as far as she knows I am living at the other side of the country far away.

I ducked out of meeting her in 2022 as I did not feel comfortable about that. In 2021 I met her and my son on fathers day and it was a nightmare so that was in my mind. I think it was too close to the break up.

In 2023 he graduated and I did not want to miss that so informed her I wanted to go. As a condition of me going she insisted we meet - the three of us - somewhere neutral. I said no at first but relented. I met them both in a nice place and we went for lunch etc. It was ok. It looked to me like she had moved on to some extent - at least reconciled herself to the situation. Her life has improved in some respects - she has a job that she enjoys. (she never had any job while we were married!)

Graduation day went ok though she later made a bit of a fuss over something trivial. I apologised for something that really was nothing and that placated her.

On the money side of things - in accordance with out signed agreement I am reducing the money I send her and him by 50% in September. I have been living on a knife edge since divorce so at last I will have some money to buy clothes and get the occasional pizza! In spite of our agreement she has been lying to me pleading poverty to try and get me to keep sending the full money she has been getting (I know what she earns as my son is secretly feeding me info). My son also has a large sum in the bank - accrued from student loans but also employment. I know she will not want to take money from him and of course would rather take it from me. But I have spelled out to her that I am sticking to the agreement we signed and nothing will make me change the terms of it. I said if she is going to have financial issues she will have to solve them herself. She sent me some angry emails but has now eased off and I presume has come to terms with it. It is not nice having your meal ticket taken away - and I did expect her to make a fuss. She does not want to spend her own actual earned money on bills  no - she would prefer to use my earned money.

I have a nice enough flat and live in a reasonable place. I have a small business which provides me enough money ( or at least will be enough from September ).

Despite this I slip into depression now and then. I am on my third relationship since divorce - and the woman I am with at the moment is a very sweet and good person - yet I feel like I am going to move on in the near future - maybe next year. I am either going to move overseas to teach English (I am working hard at learning a foreign language) or I am going to buy a campervan/motorhome and tour the UK coastline over the warm months. If I had the money I would probably do this NOW or like to have the option to do it NOW - and I think this is the cause of my depression. The lady I am with I have not told her my plans - as they might change - but I have spelled out I want to live alone and I am taking our relationship a day at a time. I don't want her to build up any long term hopes and the way I am taking our meetings I think she understands the situation.

I think the other cause of my depressed moods is just a general feeling of uselessness. I tried various hobbies and gave them up. I live very predictably - and I think this is why I want to go overseas. The last time I lived abroad, life was much more interesting. I am thinking of eastern europe.

I also have this recurring idea that in the long run - me and her will end up together. I can't get rid of this idea - it seems to haunt me a lot. Maybe it seems a way for my son to move on. He can't live the way he wants living with her - I don't want to see him stuck with her. Me leaving has made her much more dependent on him. He has a 3 year phd ahead of him and I gather he intends to spend the next 3 years with her - then I don't know. I feel like I have lumbered him with her.

On the plus side - I manage to keep in good shape - walk a lot - exercise - I'm in good health.

Welcome back MrRight. Your insight can certainly be helpful. Please continue to engage and share. I think it will be good for you too.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-