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I have a pretty specific question for the group.  One of the main complaints my uBPD partner has about me is that I am "defensive" about my actions.  I think I've seen others comment that their pwBPD will often blame others for everything and not take accountability for anything.  I'll admit that there are times when I've done something that I don't immediately take responsibility for but it's few and far between.  It's more likely that I just flat out disagree with my partner's take on a situation.  When she feels I'm acting defensive she often says "well I'm not sure I want to be in a relationship with someone like that".

I think people can disagree about something without it necessarily being defensive.  I don't think she sees a difference.

Is there a clever way to steer the conversation away from blame and still talk about the details?  Or do I just have to cave and let her have her position unchallenged.

I can relate. Personally I’d say when you’re talking to her, try to stay calm and not overly emotional. Be honest about what you believe, there’s nothing wrong with having an opinion. Just try not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). Instead, state your point of view once and once only and provide any clarifications that she asks for.

Decide for yourself if you are defensive or not. Her perception, or accusation, is hers, It is not your job to align her perception with yours.

If a situation or issue is important to you state your reality, if it clashes, or she doesnt like it so be it, you dont have to try to further sell it.

If its not an important issue, in your eyes, just let it slide and dont try to debate it.

Agreeing to disagree is not a borderline strength so dont try to aim for it.

Defensiveness is a big Borderline characteristic and is often subject to projection on to others. Her accusation is likely to be her own reaction she is projecting on to you. Your actions might be invaliding and triggering her paranoias so she is being defensive by interrogating you.

usagi, I feel you. It can happen to me, when I don't agree with by BPD bf that he wants to fight me and in some ways wants to persuade me, his view is better or more correct. Very annoying.

It usually helps if I try to validate something I can validate, which is usually his filings (if it is that kind of situation), after validating I say what my opinion is. Another thing I also do is  that I validate his opinion as a possible option, stg like: ,,yeah, this is one possibility, I see how you can think like that, but another possibility would be xy and I myself agree with this xy more.'' If everything ''clicks'', discussion can be possible.

Thanks for the comments and advice, everyone.  I had been in a 20 year relationship with my ex-wife.  I learned a lot of hard fought relationship skills there but it seems like this is just a whole new ball game.  I am adapting but it's just such a strange existence.  I feel like I have to interact with her like I might with a child, being careful not to overwhelm her emotions and supporting her in the right way.

Having said all that, we have been doing well lately.  I'm hoping that's a sign that I'm starting to learn and apply these skills better.  I know this will never go away but am really hopeful I can just get things to a manageable point.