BPDFamily.com

https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/healthy-communication-does-not-work-with-toxic-people/

This was one of the first lessons I picked up on when I joined this forum, since this site provides a lot of information about communication strategies with high conflict people.

IMHO, since the world is full of high conflict people, it would be useful to teach these communication skills in schools, along with all the strategies they already teach (communicating with healthy people).

Methuen,
I totally agree that we need to teach these communication skills and strategies in the schools. I am a work in progress learning not to reveal too much about myself to the wrong people and to engage less with the wrong kind of people when possible.

Thanks for this blog entry, zachira.  I am guilty of this too. Am so desperate for connection I've overshared. All it takes is a few times of doing this with the disordered to add more trauma in our lives. Teaching these concepts in schools is a great idea. I could have used it.

TelHill,
Your post really resonates with me. Oversharing is my biggest challenge as a way of desperately trying to be heard. It has magnified my trauma in the past and continues to be a main source of ongoing trauma in the present, mostly with people I have known for years, and somehow yearn to still be heard by, mainly long time acquaintances of my extended disordered family. (In the past, I would have referred to these people as friends and not acquaintances.)  Do you have any advice on how to stop the oversharing? This is the one thing I want so badly to change about myself and don't seem to be able to do. I blurt out all kinds of things I should have kept to myself. It is the people my family knows who are the stumbling blocks and people who self disclose a lot when I first meet them, which I somehow seem to believe makes it safe for me to overshare. It seems that now that I am low contact/no contact with nearly all of my relatives and practicing healthy boundaries with them, I am still not accepting that most of the people my family associates with are not safe people to share my feelings and thoughts with and that new people I meet who overshare are safe for me to overshare with. I am very lonely as I continue to remake my life, though making progress on being able to have friendships with people who are capable of genuine caring long lasting rewarding friendships and relationships. I wish I were an introvert, mostly thinking about what I am going to say before saying it, rather than an extrovert, processing my thoughts out loud most of the time.

zachira,

I am an introvert but am chatty. I enjoy being around people but have an hour or so limit.

The trick I use with possible 'flying monkeys'  is to steer the conversation into light and fun topics while getting them to talk about themselves. People really like talking about themselves!

 Ask about their kids, talk about the weather, ask how their job is going or if they've taken a trip recently.. If I see they have a nice haircut or a nice outfit, I compliment them on it.  I ask them where they bought it.  Most people seem to like talking about themselves and they tend to soften a bad attitude.  I respond naturally to the flow of the conversation. I adapted this from learning to be more sociable at work to get ahead in my job. I probably read this in a book long ago. I know I didn't come up with this myself.

I had to practice this and didn't do well at first but improved as I practiced. I know I looked like a deer caught in headlights or had concrete in my shoes with discomfort. It was upsetting but I kept practicing. I overshared sometimes but not as much. Now it doesn't happen at all.

If people start to pry/over share, I gray rock. I keep it short to exit from them.  I keep looking cheerful. 'Oh, I don't know, wow you don't say, sorry I have to check my voicemail/text, etc.  Leave without explanation if it's truly egregious. Never speak to them again.

I kind of do the same with new people not connected to my family. When they share something about their lives to test if a connection may be made, it should be light. Where you went to school, the type of job you have, what cuisine you like. People aren't supposed to pry, ask personal questions or talk about divisive subjects like religion or politics. Those are red flags. It's taken a few years but have improved where I'm much better at spotting red flags.

The problem now is going ahead with those who don't show obvious red flags. It's scary and I feel numb I think due to the trauma. When I'm numb it's harder to see the other person realistically. I feel stuck. I feel lonely and it hurts. I'm with you that I don't want to be lonely any more.

I watched a YouTube video from a young woman, Caroline Winkler, I follow who was doing Interior Design videos. She is good at dispensing common sense ideas about personal issues. This video is how to make friendships and survive your 20s. This is something for anyone at any age.  It's something I never heard before and sounds like it could work.

 She's a former actress/comedian (graduated from NYU) who started her channel to deal with grief about leaving that career (couldn't find acting jobs to support herself after being at it for 10 years)  and breaking up with her fiancé.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kiLAFxFXXTI

Sorry if any of the above is something you know or if it doesn't relate to your life.  If you figure something else out that works, please let me know. I need all the help I can get.