BPDFamily.com

I have been unable to find any other examples on this topic. Even though she didn't love me, she didn't want me to love anyone else. Even porn was out of bounds. She was mostly a very quiet BPD,
wth occasional temper tantrums.After she died, I read her notebooks and it appeared that she was angry with me 24 hours a day. I was such an awful person,  even though I loved her dearly and never
mistreated her. She wrote me beautiful , loving cards four times a year and we made love frequently
until she had an affair.  Then I just wasn't interested in  her anymore and had an affair myself. When she found out about it, she just couldn't let it go. It was like her affair had never happened. Her new
guy  dumped her after,he had gotten what he wanted, when he realized that he was dealing with a crazy person.

Does anyone have any idea what I was to her. I have done some reading and it appears that I was
very lucky that she didn't love me because that could have driven her into dangerous BPD territory.

Hello and welcome.  First off, I am very sorry that your wife passed away.  My condolences.

Next, I want to say that I'm sure your wife loved you very much.  While her journals might indicate differently, BPD is a complicated mental illness where people live in the moment off of their emotions.  I'm guessing your wife wrote in her journal while you were away (at work or whatever) and she probably missed you in that moment.  She'd probably also reminisce about things she shouldn't and focus on the bad...because people w/ BPD are so terrified of abandonment, they're always looking for signs of it and making themselves the victim of their own story. 

It's heartbreaking for sure, and I'm so sorry you found those journals.  I feel very confident though that your wife did love you despite being burdened from a wide range of emotions.  Don't you believe those journals, what you had was real.  Her hurt was real as well and she never spoke of it because she didn't want to face her worst nightmares coming to life.

One other thing that comes to mind- some people say that people w/ BPD love too much.  We don't see it that way, of course, but they love so completely while also being terrified of everything falling apart at a moment's notice.  That fear is so strong in them that it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts by sabotaging their relationships with the people they love the most. 

Again, it's really sad and I'm so sorry for what you must be going through.  I hope you find peace with all of this someday.

Thank you for your kind reply. I forgot to mention that she had told me about 6 months before she died that she had never been in love with me. It just came out of the blue. We hadn't been having
 a conversation. I was too upset and shocked to even reply.

That was probably disassociation in a bad moment.  Again, focus on what was real, the great memories and experiences.  A journal or a random comment can't change that.  Good luck brother, keep your head held high.

I don't know if it's possible to get resolution of such a question with a relationship with someone with BPD. Adding grief to this makes it difficult.

One thing I am certain of. When you ask "what were you to her?" I am certain that you are the most important person to her. BPD is a disorder that affects the most intimate relationships the most. That doesn't seem fair but a person who has difficulty managing their emotions may be able to hold it together better with people they are not close to.

Loving someone is more of a verb than a feeling. Admittedly, we probably feel a lot of feelings in a long term relationship. But even if we are angry in the moment, we can hold the love we committed to- at the same time. Someone with BPD can't manage their feelings. Feelings may feel like facts in the moment. I think we all have felt anger and frustration with people we fundamentally love.

You say she's a quiet BPD and perhaps journaling was her way of dealing with her feelings in the moment and perhaps better to do that than to have rages. Perhaps these were not meant to be directed at you.

Logic says to look at her overall actions and the loving notes and intimate moments are her expressions of love for you. Young children also don't regulate emotions well. They have tantrums. But they overall love their parents. This may have been her journal of tantrums.

I'm afraid I have to disagree with other replies here.  She wrote it down to herself that she doesn't love you.  Even the evidence backs it up.  So I don't understand why people here are trying to sugarcoat it. 

When somebody has an affair while being married to you, do they love you?  Of course they don't.  Would somebody cheat on their partner if they love you? Of course not.