BPDFamily.com

Hello, everyone!

This is my first post on here. I just wanted to write to vent and maybe get some advice from people that might be going through something similar.

I've been in my current relationship for around 8 years. I've always known my partner had mental health issues and have tried to be as supportive as I can. Over the course of the relationship, there were some situations in the relationship where my partner had exhibited signs of having BPD. Such as going from being extremely loving to very distant and cold, suddenly moving out of the house, mental breakdowns/crises, and others. Up until last year, I didn't know what my gf's MH Dx and for some reason I never thought to ask. I just assumed due to what she had told me that she had some kind of PTSD.

At the end of 2021, we went to a series of on/off breakups in which one of us would initiate the breakup and then shortly after she would seek me out, we'd make up, and repeat the cycle. Finally In January 2022, we decided to finalize the relationship. However, we were living together and it took a while for me to be able to move out of the house. During this time, my s/o started seeing other people at the same time that she was also seeking me out for affection. She confessed this to me and although I was hurt, I told her that I was willing to see past it seeing as how we were on a break when she was seeing these people. She, however, refused to stop seeing these people claiming that she had become "addicted to the attention". This started a very toxic period after I moved out of the house in which we would have big conflicts about her seeing other people, mostly due to my growing anxiety, paranoia, and distress over her lovers. She would either push me away or I would try and pull away and she would soon seek me out, be affective and we would go through a period of peace before it would happen again. It was during one of these times of peace that, while looking for something to watch on Netflix we came across the movie "Girl, Interrupted". My gf then casually mentioned that the movie was about a girl with BPD, which is her Dx. I decided to look it up and take deep dive into google regarding BPD and I read about a lot of situations that were nearly identical to a lot of the conflicts and issues we had gone through in our relationship (I also came across this wonderful site). Soon after, she was having some trouble at her apartment and it was causing her a lot of distress, so I offered that she could move in to the apartment next door to mine, which was recently vacant. She agreed. However, having learned a little bit about BPD by this point, I suggested we start couples therapy in order to learn how to navigate our complicated relationship.

We started couples therapy soon after. She was still seeing other people at first, but would quickly be overwhelmed with guilt whenever she had an encounter and would confess to me. Thanks to our therapist, we were able to set up an agreement in which if she would need to choose either to continue seeing other men, or to continue her relationship with me. Thankfully, she chose to stay with me and work on our relationship.

Therapy helped us a great deal! We were able to take a look at the things that we both had done and own up to our part in our past conflicts. We learned some great tools for improving our communication, setting healthy boundaries, coming up with agreements and compromises and really just communicating our concerns before hastily jumping into another breakup and potentially repeating the vicious cycle. We attended therapy for 8 months until our therapist finally told us that in order to move forward, my s/o would need to seek individual therapy, which she had ceased for a year at this point, and work on some issues regarding intimacy and past traumas.

During this time I read a few books on BPD, including "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" by Straus and Kreisman, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Mason and Kreger, and "Loving Someone with BPD" by Shari Manning. I wanted to learn more about how the disorder affected our relationship, how to navigate it better, and about any actions I might be guilty of that could trigger her BPD and self-destructive behaviors. I learned great deal and got a lot better at helping her avoid crises by educating her on BPD, which she had never looked into. I also learned about Stoicism and DBT in order to regulate my own reactions and anxiety and gave her some tools to handle distress.

Things did get better, and although she would still have crises regarding her job, or other issues in her life I started becoming more of a figure of support during difficult times and not a villain in her eyes. She moved back in with me in my new apartment a few months into the therapy process. She to this day still has reservations about fully committing to the relationship, as she's afraid that we'll "break up" again and she'll be hurt. I understand that. We had an agreement of exclusivity in place and although I still have some lingering insecurities, I trusted that she valued our relationship enough to uphold it.

Things this last two months since we stopped couples therapy had been great. We were doing biweekly check-ins as recommended by our therapist to catch problems in our relationship before they grew. She started going to sessions with an individual therapist. We were spending great quality time together. All was well. I got a bit too confident.

2 days ago after work, she told me she was going to go hang out with a friend from her figure drawing class. I knew that this friend had been one of her former lovers from last year, but since we had made such great progress I decided to not be insecure and trust that they were just going out as friends. When I asked her about her day later, she said that they had gone out for drinks, then her stomach felt bad so she went back to his house to have tea and they smoke a little bit of weed. I felt suspicious abut her going back to his house so I decided to ask her directly if they had done anything. At first she denied it, but later confessed that although she had not had sex with him she did kiss him. I asked her why she did that and she answered "because I like him". I took a moment to calm down (another book I read was "Getting To Zero" by Jayson Gaddis which is a great book on managing emotions and resolving conflicts) and reminded her that we had an agreement in place. While she is free to choose to see other men, I don't agree to her being in a relationship with me while she does so. She said that she's unable to choose between us, and although she loves me she doesn't feel the same spark with me as she does with new relationships. I validated the feeling, told her that I understand where she's coming from, but while new relationships can be fun and exciting, they won't provide the same support and stability as a relationship where we've put in hard work like ours. I also told her that I was willing to look past it and forgive her, but she had to stop seeing him if she wanted to stay with me or viceversa. This boundary of mine is non-negotiable. We scheduled a new couples therapy appointment to try and navigate the decision, but it's still unclear if she will decide to stay this time or not.

I do love her very much, and recognize that she loves me greatly as well. I know that relationships with people that have BPD are complicated, and that she may give in to impulses and engage in self-destructive behavior sometimes. I also know that I am not 100% without fault and that I myself triggered some of the things that affected us in the past. That doesn't take away from the fact that being in a relationship like this is very emotionally taxing, and sometimes it feels like you can't really enjoy the occasional victories, like the progress I mentioned earlier. This thing with the lover really feels like it came out of thin air at a time when things seemed to be going great. And it really bums me out...

Anyway thanks to anyone who stuck around and read this far! I really just wanted to get things off my chest. I would appreciate any relatable experiences or advice anyone might want to share!

Hey Czr_Crrll, glad you felt ready to post and share what's going on in your life. Your story really shows the complexity of being in a relationship with a pwBPD -- while in many areas you two might be considered successful (both of you are open to therapy, she's doing individual therapy as well, there are agreements, you're both working with yourselves...), the "disorder of intimacy" part of BPD is still a huge factor impacting your relationship, like you've realized:


This part stood out to me:


and reminded me of an article we have on Supporting a Child in Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/content/support-child-therapy), though if you replace the word "child" with "partner" the content seems to be on target for your situation.

The part of the article that immediately came to mind was this:


I'd be interested to hear your thoughts -- if any of that resonates with you.

Feel free to post and update whenever works best for you, and again, welcome;

kells76

Oh, snap! Seeing it from that angle, it makes perfect sense!

Only 5 days before the incident, during one of our check-ins, I actually verbally expressed that I was very happy with the way things were going. Looking at this excerpt, it seems like I might have shot myself in the foot...

The advice about not showing too much excitement and advising caution is definitely something I'll be trying moving forward! I'll also read the whole article to see what else I can learn from it! Thank you so much  :)

The therapy appointment on Saturday went really well as well! I'll keep everyone posted as to how things develop.

Having gone through a similar situation (details are different but the overall theme is the same) be VERY VERY careful about what you do going forward.  Very careful.  Oftentimes the significant others of pwBPD are fraught with insecurity and codependency and those are a dangerous combination.  Speaking from experience, you may be finding yourself in a situation where you're determined to "prove" yourself to her. Thinking that if you only model loving, mature, reasonable behavior long enough that eventually she'll see it and come around.  Maybe she will.  I hope she does.  But *in my experience* it does not work.  She won't come around.  She'll level off, stabilize for a while, but it's only a matter of time. 

Take some time to really examine your own behavior, your thoughts, your FEARS.  Ask yourself:
"Is this normal?"
"Is this healthy?"
"Is this really what I want?"
"Why do I continue to do things that I don't actually want to do?"
"Have I seen this behavior before? Mom and dad maybe?"

Realize that you may be carrying just as much baggage into this as she.  If you can get a handle on your stuff you may realize that this is more dysfunctional than you previously thought.

Regardless, I wish you all the peace and happiness in the world.

I appreciate the words of caution! I think you are right. It's very easy for one's boundaries to become blurred amidst the ups and downs of this kind of relationship.

I do think I should remind myself periodically to take a look at these questions and ask myself if what I am living through is something healthy for me.

Recognizing also that being a pwBPD's partner and primary supporter is especially difficult because of all the feelings involved. I am a firm believer that pwBPD are capable of recovery, or at least of acquiring tools to better cope with the disorder. It's a long and difficult process for everyone involved.

Last week my partner formally broke things off with this new person. When I asked her why, she said: "Because I feel it is very detrimental to what we're building." I see this as a desire for growth. And it's true that there may be instances of relapses into old behaviors and difficult moments moving forward. But she knows what she does is harmful and has a desire to change it. I think that's worthy of admiration and a very important part of the process of change!

Thank you for your words! I, too, wish you the best in your own situation!

Something very intriguing came up in one of our most recent conversations.
We were talking about things that had happened in the past and it seemed like a few events had completely disappeared from her memory. I had read about this kind of "targeted amnesia" or "selective memory" in "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" by Dr. Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus.

Has anyone experienced this with their partner or family member wBPD? Is there much point in working to unlock these memories to process them or does it do more harm than good?

Hi Czr_Crrll, good to hear from you again.


My first thought is -- it depends (helpful, right  lol )

You're here on the "Bettering a relationship" board so we can think through options with that approach.

Are these "events" things that will have a logistical impact on day to day functioning in your relationship? Things like -- she can't remember driving the car and leaving it elsewhere, she can't remember that she ordered groceries online already this week, she can't remember agreeing to do Thanksgiving with her family and Christmas with your family this year, etc?

Are these "events" things that won't impact logistics/decision making going forward, but are things that happened between just the two of you? Like -- she can't remember that the two of you argued yesterday, she can't remember where the two of you met...?

Are these "events" things that happened between her and another person, but not you?

Or some other sort of events/occurrences?

From what you say here:


my guess is that it isn't just logistical stuff.

...

If the memories are about things that happened between her and another person (not you), then that's going to be her journey. Because BPD impacts the most intimate relationships more than less intimate relationships (generally speaking), you, being in the most intimate relationship possible with her, may not be in the optimal position for her to hear advice from. Sometimes we can "shoot ourselves in the foot" by trying, through love and concern, to suggest therapy/processing/resolution/closure to a loved one wBPD.

That doesn't mean you can't support her, if she's thinking about getting help for it. "Let me know how I can be there for you" will probably bring the two of you closer together than "I think you should work through your repressed memories". Likewise, "what do you think you want to do about that, moving forward?" is less pushy but still telegraphs that you believe in her (it's saying that she is strong enough to figure it out) and are aware of her struggle. If she's thinking of getting help, validating where she is at in that process -- versus where you think she should be in the process -- may also help. Kind of the difference between "I'm proud of you for researching those three therapists" versus "why haven't you made an appointment yet"?

This presupposes that she already thinks that forgetting these events is a problem for her. Do you think she does? Has she said/communicated anything like "it freaks me out that I can't remember XYZ"?

...

Probably should've started here!, but can you walk us through how this conversation went:


What did you say, what did she say, how did both of you respond? What was the emotional feel during the conversation? It can be helpful for the group here to read a "he said-she said" account (if you're comfortable posting that) -- lots of members will likely have experienced something similar and can then share what they did to make things better.

i think most of us have experienced some form of this, and almost everyone has a theory about "whats going on".

there are several things that are true for sure though.

1. think of a time you have been at your greatest level of emotional arousal, and assume that your loved one frequently experiences that level, or higher. it is hard to accurately process much of anything in that state, and when youre that dysregulated, it can be like emotionally blacking out.

2. often times, revisiting these things provokes a shame response. people with bpd traits pathologically avoid feelings of shame, with powerful defense mechanisms. its like when therapy becomes too intense for a patient, and theyve gotta walk out. this happened all the time in my relationship. wed have a big blow out. shed say very hurtful things. i would want to revisit those things; not necessarily to prolong the conflict, but if she really felt that way, it was a concern. when we could talk about it, and to the extent we could talk about it, she often didnt remember. she could often apologize, but she couldnt talk about it, she couldnt make me feel seen or heard, and she couldnt validate my feelings. unfortunately, those things are just not strong suits for someone with bpd traits. but i never got anywhere with pushing, at least not anywhere good.

i get the impression that your wife is learning to do some of this in therapy...to be able to communicate more openly and honestly, and to "hear" (validate) you. that is promising.

but as general advice, if its something she struggles to talk about, i wouldnt push; it does more harm than good. find that need to be heard, seen, validated, from people whos strong suit it is.

What changes have you seenf from her communication wise with therapy?

Hi, everyone! Thank you for your replies! They really help me get some perspective on the things that are going on. Having talked about it a bit more with her, it seems that a lot of these events that get blocked are linked to sex and childhood trauma. That's something she has to resolve on her own, at her own pace in therapy, but as kells76 mentioned in their reply I can offer to be supportive in her process.


I think this is a great approach and I will definitely be trying this moving forward!


Thank you for the great insight! She has been doing a lot of personal work in individual therapy lately and getting better at communicating her needs to me and letting me know when it's okay for me to be involved. I also got her a copy of Dr. Daniel J. Fox's BPD Workbook, which she's been working through.


A big part of our therapy process has been identifying that a lot of the things that trigger anger, resentment, and mistrust towards each other are the result of poor communication. Thanks to the regular check-ins we implemented outside of therapy, now we can identify emotions before they grow. For example she might tell me: "This week I've been feeling very angry at you." This allows me to find out what's making her feel that way, validate her feelings, and work with her to see how we can make it better! This helps deescalate a lot of situations that could have turned into bigger problems. Forgiving each other for things we have done in the past was a big point in the beginning of our therapy. Lately, we've been exploring how a lot of things that make her want to escape or break off the relationship actually have more to do with guilt and negative self image amplified by BPD than actual problems in our current relationship. Things like "I am the evil one in this relationship." make her want to break it off and start a new one. So we're trying to see the pros of strengthening the relationship and creating long term stability.

We were lucky to find a really good couples therapist, but a lot of this has been possible thanks to my GF's willingness to receive help. I feel that her being so driven to get better plays a gigantic role in our relationship getting better as well. Stimulating that drive and shifting the focus to the benefits it brings her and not me or the relationship (even though the relationship and I are greatly benefited by it) seems like it's been helping.

Still, as we mentioned earlier in the thread, we have to be aware that there might be a relapse in destructive behaviors. But becoming more aware of how my partner is feeling through improving communication definitely makes it easier to navigate the twists and turns of the emotional rollercoaster.

I am glad you are keeping in mind the relapses. I am currently in a situation with my wife that is similar. Keeping the relapse in mind helps me stay grounded as well.