BPDFamily.com

My husband has BPD. We've been together 6 years, married for 2 1/2.

We just figured out that he has BPD in the last few weeks. The good news is we finally know what's going on, the bad news is it's BPD.

As I'm sure anyone who might read this knows, the episodes have been absolutely hellish. I watched a few tiktoks about being a partner of someone with BPD and they all say don't take it personally, we don't mean it. But, my partner says the most hurtful PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) and it is always a scathing critique of a vulnerability of mine, often something I confided in him, in a time of closeness and support.

Then later, he doesn't mean it? Some of the PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) he says is ludicrous and that's easy to disregard. But often there's a seed of truth in the insults, a bit of something I'm worried about in myself, a point of view that is the ugliest and the most unkind. The knife is sharp and the cut is deep.

If he can observe those things, in that way, it feels like they are always there, underneath, after he calms down and apologizes and life goes on. How is it for you?

it is a bit of awkward phrasing.

how do you not "take it personally" when its coming from your loved one, and its incredibly hurtful?


have you ever just lost it emotionally? whether you were angry, or lets say incredibly depressed.

and then later, when you were back to baseline, maybe you looked back and it seemed a bit extreme?

bpd can look a lot like that, but more frequent, and at a more extreme level. and when you have bpd, it can be hard to separate, because those feelings are a lot more extreme.

that, ultimately, is what is meant by "dont take it personally".

it means that people with bpd traits, generally speaking, speak and act in extreme ways. they love in an over the top way, and they 'hate' in an over the top way. both are exaggerated, and to invest too much in either one is going to drag you around.

youre not the best person in the world. youre not the worst person in the world. but in a moment of extreme emotions, your loved one may tell you that you are one or the other. it is best to think of these as, not insincere expressions, necessarily, but, extreme and overstated ones, that may be subject to change.


i do not mean to suggest you merely dismiss or ignore these things.

our partners may have genuine and reasonable needs, or asks, or critiques of us as a partner. these things may still be communicated in an extreme, or dysfunctional way, but if you are able to step back and examine them in a detached way, you can tend to find the underlying feeling thats driving it. so you dont want to get in the habit (as i often did) of just dismissing any concern your partner expresses.

but you also dont want disrespect and abuse to thrive in your relationship. you certainly dont want to just "ignore" those things. you want to, as much as you can realistically expect to, nip them in the bud.


riling you up, getting your reactions to these hurtful things, is, on some level, a way of trying to emotionally regulate himself. its a dysfunctional way, obviously, but your reaction to it "works" on some level.

when hes doing that, hes trying to get some need met. maybe he senses a waxing a waning of your feelings/attachment. maybe hes feeling insecure, maybe hes asking for attention. but part of "disorder" is, well, trying to get those needs met in dysfunctional ways. its, for example, yelling at someone and calling them a terrible person, when what you really want to say is "i need a hug". at some point, life taught him that the former would work better for him.

so, what happens after these fights, when he tells you he doesnt mean it?

what led up to his diagnosis? a diagnosis can be a torrential event.

All I can say from personal experience is to take care of yourself during this time. I've spent the last 20 years in a marriage with a DBPDw. I had my suspicions about her diagnosis for some time but only got a diagnosis of BPD traits last year. My own mental health has suffered immensely for many reasons but this certainly takes a toll. My own depression tells me things that are bad enough, then she piles on. As you put it, the ludicrousness is easy to shrug off, but if they know you at all they will find the weaknesses and exploit them, knowingly or not.

Taking it personally is nearly impossible when you hear it over and over again. At least you're getting an apology, hopefully that helps. Encourage them to get into some sort of treatment soon for both of your sakes.

Good luck

I agree, I have had my partner dismiss her hurtful actions as "Oh I was just being hormonal" or "It should have been obvious I didn't really mean that" but in a relationship, there's an expectation that each partner will be patient and kind with the other. Sometimes it hurts not just because it's true but because the person you have chosen to love more than anyone else in the world is attacking you! We mourn the loss of what we had hoped our romance would be like.

I feel if a relationship is going to work both partners need to be able to express how they feel about the other person. Since our partners are sensitive we have to put a little extra effort into how and when we say these things, like by using "I feel" statements after validating their experience. "I understand you were upset and don't really mean those things, but when you say stuff like (bla bla bla) I feel very discouraged." If the response is "Well you shouldn't take it personally" you can say "That's good advice and you may be right but I'm just letting you know this is how I feel" or something like that. You know your partner better than I do and can better choose specific words. If your partner really doesn't want to hear about it I think it is helpful to share your feelings with someone else (even if it's us  :hi:) so that you don't end up feeling permanently invalidated and gaslit.

A couple of points I’ve learned that have helped me immensely:

1. Develop a thick skin   As once removed stated, the expressions of praise and devaluation we can experience from our BPD partners tend to be over the top. I neither take in the adoration, nor do I absorb the criticism. I merely chalk it up to a momentary expression.

2. Typically when our partners are engaged in brutal dissection of our flaws, they either are dysregulating or on the verge of doing so. At this point in time, they are not receptive to logic nor entreaties for kindness and respect. I figure out a way to exit the conversation politely but as quickly as possible. There’s no point in exposing oneself to having one’s character broken down. I then wait and check back at a designated time, say at least 20 minutes—time enough for his amygdala to return to baseline.