BPDFamily.com

First time poster here.  Looking for help with my sister (age 37) - I guess the lingo is uBPD? She has been hospitalized several times since 2014 for psychotic episodes and may have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. We don't really know because she used HIPAA in the hospital to refuse anyone access to her records, and asking any questions about anything makes her angry. (She has diagnosed herself with complex PTSD.)

The last year has been exceptionally rough with her and over the last few months I have become more and more convinced that she has BPD. Luckily there are no substance abuse issues or suicide attempts (yet), no self-harm that we are aware of, and she is on three different medications which I guess are currently keeping her from going completely psychotic.

She is more or less functional, or at least has been in the past, but was unable to keep her last 3 jobs for more than 6 months, and hasn't been able to get another job in over a year despite multiple interviews. She is desperate to find her place in the world but is absolutely self-sabotaging everything in her life, including her romantic and familial relationships (as well as job prospects, if she communicates with them the way she does with us, which I believe she does).

She is savagely manipulative, hurtful, and abusive with her word-lashings that are sent by text and email CONTSTANTLY and are absolutely filled to the brim with projection, and she makes everything way more complicated than it needs to be. She also makes everything about herself (including global news events), and is an eternal victim of "everyone else's dumb decisions."

I find it difficult to process her barrages and have had to withdraw and basically ignore her for my own sanity, because before I can come up with some kind of empathetic response to her anger and blame, there are 25 more angry and blaming messages. I find it extremely difficult to remember any of the information or tips or tricks or tools given in any of the books I have read about BPD during the times when we are getting sprayed with the firehose of hatred, which seems more and more frequent.

My brother and I are at our wits end and are considering blocking her; our mother only knows how to react to anger with more anger; and her father is oblivious. (There is a long and complicated history if anyone is interested.) Thanks for reading.

Sigh.

I feel for you.  

Good for you for acknowledging your limit has been reached or exceeded.  Like you, I exceeded my limit before admitting I couldn't go on with the behaviors.  Remember that "blocking her" can be temporary, it doesn't have to be forever.  So why don't you try blocking her for a period of time (days? a week? two weeks?) and see what impact that has on you.  That will give you information that could help guide you moving forward.

Sounds like "giving her some space" could give her an opportunity to calm herself down.  "Still being there" through that kind of behavior gives her the message its ok to treat you like that and it's ok for her to keep doing it because there's no consequence.


Just curious, has she ever listened to you?  Really listened?  Followed any guidance?  Do you feel responsible for her?  

In some book I read once upon a time, in a story told by a person in recovery with BPD, she stated explicitly that she needed to learn from consequences.

I can say with certainty that is the only way my mom learns.  Even if the consequence means going blind in one eye because she can't put her own eye meds in because of her Parkinson's shaking, but she didn't want home care doing it because getting home care makes her "feel like a child".  She would rather go blind in the eye than accept help.  Not a good decision.  Not a great outcome.  But hey - she's happy she's not getting home care and that's what matters the most to her.  She still likes to complain about losing her sight in the affected eye.  I just change the subject (she has severe ADHD so it's a strategy that works 100% of the time).

We can't protect them from themselves.  If we try (because we actually do care for them) it just leads to conflict, drama and chaos, anger and resentment, and rages.  

So - natural consequences are ok.

Your job right now is to be ok with just taking care of yourself.  If that means blocking her, so be it.  What other things do you do to calm your own nervous system and take care of yourself?

HerOwnReality,

I feel for you.  I experienced that kind of behavior from a exwBPD and as she was starting menopause that seemed to kick the behavior up by a factor of 100.  Perhaps your sister is starting the change?

Please, take steps to love, honor, and protect yourself.

I know it's hard but you have to allow the consequences to happen.  If you don't then, well, if my experience is any indication, she'll probably increase the negative behavior.

I wish you peace

Thanks. I have been trying to take care of myself but haven’t gone as far as blocking her just yet - probably because of another lingo from this website, FOG. This week she drove down to my house unexpectedly, and then just this evening I had a phone call with her that did not end well. (This is in addition to the usual texts and emails). I absolutely MUST have a break from her, so I’m going to block her for at least the weekend.

Menopause - I think it’s a little early for that but definitely something to consider…I’ll keep it in mind.