BPDFamily.com

 :help:
Hi there,

My partner has BPD from past trauma. I won't go into it for their privacy.

We just had a bad arguement, I could sense that it was an episode since they were visibly stressed and angry over small things such as me not making the bed properly. A lot of harsh things were said towards me and after a little it broke me a bit and I regrettably retaliated. I understand my wrongs here, ignoring the signs of an episode and arguing back...I cornered them and I really want to make it right. I've apologised and acknowledged my wrongs to them, they want to accept blame for what they said but I feel more to blame for not seeing what should've been done. Post pone the conversation and allow them to vent.

They've gone out for a bit but I'm worried they won't come back and that I've completely ruined our relationship. I love them very much and don't want them to leave. Is it too late? How can I make it right? And what ways can I remember in future to remain calm?

Thank you

Hi DesperateHelp and welcome to the group -- glad you found us.

Wondering if a partner will return home after a blowup is so stressful. It makes sense that you'd find yourself in a position of feeling self-blame, like you should have known better than to say or do what you did.

Being in a relationship where a partner has BPD adds a whole other level to the stress. It can make it difficult for us to regulate and manage ourselves, and when we want to stay in the relationship, knowing a partner has BPD, we have to step up our own stress/anxiety management -- no small task, especially with a question like this on the table:


Sometimes we can help ourselves get back to baseline by reflecting on how things have gone before. For example, has your partner left the house after arguments in the past? If so, what typically happened after that?

Or, if not, what would your partner typically do after arguments in the past -- go to another room? How long would it take your partner to get back to baseline (minutes, hours, days)?

Thinking through that information can help us make a plan for how we will take care of ourselves in the near future. If you know that your partner typically takes hours to calm down, then you can think up how you will spend the next few hours in a healthy way, versus in a "spinning up anxiety" way. For these relationships to have a chance at success, the non-partner does need to build those calming skills.

In fact, we have a thread on Distress Tolerance Skills for the non (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331665.0) -- I'd love to hear your thoughts on it if you check it out, especially if anything seemed to resonate with you or be particularly suited for your situation right now.

Hope you have a chance to take some deep breaths and enjoy some moments of calm.

Post back whenever works best for you, and again, welcome;

kells76