BPDFamily.com

Has anyone successfully mitigated increased BPD symptoms surrounding a menstrual cycle? My daughter is on the birth control pill and I've noted over time that her symptoms increase considerably in the couple days leading up to the week during the month that she doesn't take it and while she's having her period. It's pretty common for women without BPD to experience issues with irritability, depression, etc. surrounding their periods, so it's no surprise to me that my daughter's symptoms are elevated during this time-- but they are so pronounced that they throw off progress on a monthly basis and it's one step forward two steps back. It seems to to me that maybe her "regular" med regimen should be slightly modified during this time? ANY information you all could share relating to this would be greatly appreciated. Please let me know what has been attempted and failed, and (hopefully) what has been successful!

My uBPD hated how BC affected her. She only mentioned physiologically, but I thought that would also affect a woman psychologically, especially a person who was raw emotionally. I didn't ask her to go on BC, but she revealed later that she did it for a previous boyfriend with the same results, so she repeated the trauma... and took it out on me.

Hi, I have noticed that my udBPD Dau has terrible mood swings during periods and ovulation and she deregulates constantly. The anger outbursts are usually aimed at me, even though I’m staying 10K miles away, mainly due to the constant badgering over 2 decades while we lived together and then I decided I needed to get away to keep my sanity, after retirement. She most certainly felt/feels abandoned and manipulated me into feeling guilty every time we spoke, which was every day as a condition for moving so far away. She is single and has a decent job which pays her bills, etc. but I continue to pay her utilities which runs up my depleted savings! I live frugally which I could not have done if we had continued to live together. My last visit was a nightmare and I was asked to ‘get out’ from the moment the initial charm was over! I told her I would only go if she invited me. Recently she underwent surgery for her back pain and although it was very painful, I did not go but asked her many times over if she would like me to go. She said if I were a caring, good mother, I would have rushed to her side and not keep asking her. It was very hurtful to hear her say that but I didn’t want to go through the hell she put me through last time. Less than 2 weeks ago, my husband went to see her and stay with her for a couple of weeks and she puts him through the ringer day and night and tells me that I dumped him on her and enjoying life on my own. My husband is very naive and doesn’t understand, listen or try to understand what BPD is and keeps giving excuses for her behavior. I know he is not helping her by being so, but at the same time, I worry about him and his well being. Now she is having her periods, and the mood swings are terrible and he is at a loss. He is experiencing what I used to refer as the  ‘damned if I do, damned if I don’t’ syndrome. I feel completely lost and extremely worried. Any thoughts? Thanks

Manifest... Does your daughter acknowledge that she has BPD? Has see been diagnosed?

Hi: it’s a great question- but, No, my daughter doesn’t think she has any problem and whatever she’s experiencing is my ‘fault’, that I did or did not do something to alleviate her problems! It’s also more BPD symptoms that she has similarities with, since although she blames me for all her ‘mistakes’ as she would like to call them, like breaking up with her almost certain partner who she was dating for over 6yrs and was about to get engaged to, impulsively without discussing anything with her parents, and decided to follow her so-called friend’s’ advice, regretting it almost all the time even 15-18 years later and blaming me for not magically making them come together. Even last week, she was upset with me that I didn’t show any sign of caring when she ‘broke up with the love of her heart’  and my heart was bleeding! Soon after she made the mistake, I encouraged her to call him and apologize but her friends’ toxic advice prevented her from doing so. She also stayed focused on her studies, and has been working and taking care of herself and at times gets us gifts, etc. which differentiates her from full description of BPD. However her volatile nature, mood swings, not taking responsibility for her not so wise decisions in life, show some of the BPD traits. We have been to family therapy sessions and she accused me of collaborating with the therapist when the therapist concurred that some of her symptoms are BPD- like. We stopped going after 6 months or so since she was inconsistent and we did not benefit from it. The mood swings and blaming are constant. It is very hurtful, humiliating and disrespectful. When I visited last time, not a single day went by, without me being asked to  ‘get out of her house’. It was very painful. Thanks for the help..

I'm no expert but based on what you're saying and your daughter's age, maybe the "family therapist" approach isn't the best way to go. She a fully grown adult, right? It seems that she should be in therapy by herself, focusing on issues she has separate from you, and maybe then she'll start to see that that she has work to do on herself, for herself. Why didn't you just cut the visit short when she was kicking you out of her house (repeatedly)? It sounds to me like she was possibly testing (consciously or not) how much you'd put up with, and you missed an opportunity establish/reestablish a boundary. What do you think would have happened if you just calmly packed up and left?

Hi in4thewin:
I thought of doing just that myself many times, just leave and reestablish the boundaries. However I have the biggest impediment to doing just that in my husband, who always wants to do as she pleases and never heed anything I say. So I just stayed feeling miserable every minute of it. Re therapy, she went one on one for some years before we finally went for joint sessions since the therapist suggested we go together, based on whatever she had told her therapist prior. However once she thought the therapist and I were jointly challenging her beliefs,, she blamed me for manipulating the therapist and stopped going. I continued with the therapist for some time and then I moved away and decided to use the therapist’s advice and whatever friends like you suggested online, continuing to maintain the boundaries. Due to Covid, we could not see her for nearly 2 years and she has been acting out, trying to make me feel guilty, repeatedly badgering me for some things I didn’t do and it has been very difficult to manage. I’m not comfortable visiting her anymore and so I hesitated offering to go take care of her after her surgery in April, although I did say,  ‘I will come if you want me to come’. She said I offended her by saying that and that if I cared enough about her, I would have been there taking care of her right away and not ask her. I explained why I phrased it that way and she refuses to accept that she behaved badly when I was there the last time. My husband is with her now and I hope she treats him better. I feel completely lost and somewhat sad and  hurt for not being there with her.