BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone!
I have suspected for years that my partner has bdp, he has close family members who have been diagnosed with it, but I have never mentioned to my partner because I´m afraid of how he´s going to take it.

We recently got into a fight yet again over something inconsequential, hopefully, it won´t be long and someone can help me understand how to address this, I am coming to a point where I don´t know if I´m doing something wrong, I feel a little manipulated or perhaps I´m not seeing something?

He was complaining about the fact that he cannot cover himself with the bedroom sheets at night because they are tucked into the side and that he cannot sleep well over that because he has been stressed. So he suggested that the sheets not be tucked under the mattress because of that.

And I said: Perhaps you could just untuck the sheets from the side before you go to bed, that way you can have free access to the sheets, but also the bed is made properly during the day. I didn´t yell, I wasn´t mean, nothing. It just seemed ridiculous to me that he wanted the bed half made because he could´t pull the sheets at night.

He snapped at me, commenting on how he doesn´t complain about the fact that I´ve had some clothes on a chair for a couple of weeks.

At that point, I knew he was getting triggered and just responded by saying: ¨ok, we will have the sheets undone at the sides of the bed¨. Just so he wouldn´t get mad at me, I didn´t say it in a snappy way, I just didn´t want to get into a fight over sheets, so I let him have is he´s way.

We were preparing breakfast when this happened, and after that small interaction, instead of sitting with me for breakfast took it to the living room and ignored me.

I proceeded to do the bed as he wanted to, even though the room looked untidy that way.

He then returned and told me he didn´t like the way I had spoken to him, and I was clueless, just in shock as to what he was referring to. There wasn´t even an iota of ill intent in the way I spoke to him, nothing, but he was bothered still and wanted me to know, how rude I had been, which was totally untrue! He then proceeded to tell me that he had just pulled the sheets from the bed I had just made, which was a lie! Because I had purposefully made the bed the way he wanted to, and I was so mad about the fact that he was lying or hallucinating.
He tends to exaggerate and hallucinate things when he gets into this state, which I call episodes, because he transforms into another person.

It turned into a big fight over the sheets, and I told him I wanted the fight to end because it was pointless and attempted to leave the house but he kept on wanting to talk about it. After a while, it fizzled and then he started ignoring me. During the day I tried to reach out to him, giving him hugs trying to put the fight behind us, assuring him that I loved him and that this was inconsequential. To which he told me that he wasn´t in the mood and that we wanted space to think about the relationship. This was 2 days ago, and he´s still ignoring me. He´s been sleeping in the spare room. I have been crying for the last 2 days, and haven´t had the energy to eat or do anything at all. I have just been crying in my pijamas for 2 days.

I have no idea if this is manipulation, silent treatment, or if he just wants space and I should let him have it?

I´ve been feeling very depressed, and crying all day long. And what is more disheartening is the fact that he has heard me sobbing through the walls for 2 days, and hasn´t even comforted me. I haven´t been trying to manipulate him with my crying whatsoever, it´s just the way I feel.

If I ever heard him crying the way I´d been crying for the last few days I would approach him and give him support even if the fight was still going on, as I have many times. I feel I always put my feelings aside to cater to his feelings.

Hello and welcome to the forums.  I am so sorry for what you're going through.  Most of us have been there and its definitely no fun.

The disconnect you're referring to isn't about actual words, it's about feelings.  For example, if you ask any kid how their day was at school, they'll probably answer, "fine," in the most bored voice possible.  We translate that to mean that nothing bad happened and they simply don't want to talk to us right now about something as inconsequential as school.  We get a lot from that single word and the way it's spoken.

For your husband, the problem probably isn't the bed sheets at all.  The problem could be one of a million things he thinks about when he's unstable and not thinking clearly.  It's easier to argue about the sheets and let out all of that negative energy than it is to talk about what's really going on (admitting weakness and unbalanced thinking), so you never get to the root of the actual problem.

To move past that, you ignore the actual words and focus on his emotions.  Try to get to the root of the instability through love and compassion.  Your husband will push back because exposing his inner feelings is terrifying- what if you reject him when he's vulnerable?  There's nothing more scary for a disordered person because of their deep-seeded fear of abandonment.  You job is to reaffirm that you're there for him no matter what, that you can relate to his struggles and love him for the man he is, flaws and all.

This is an impossible task, of course, and it would do you good to read the sticky threads on this site since they'll help you deal with emotional outbursts and that push/pull dynamic.  I always recommend the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells, 3rd edition" as well since it's packed with practical tools to keep your own sanity and know how to react to stressful, unfair situations.  Again, don't focus on the words...they're just words spoken by someone lashing out in pain.  Focus on reaffirming stability and being there no matter what.

I hope that helps- we're all rooting for you regardless of the outcome!