BPDFamily.com

i am a 35 yo guy with ADD until recently living with my girlfriend with ADHD and undiagnosed BPD, pluss her 3 children. we’d been  together for 2,5 years. The first year was great, and she was welcomed into our family by my parents, who invited her and the kids for christmas and easter. The first year or so was great, no arguing, and i thought id finally met a stable woman. Then about 18 months in, out of the blue my xgf started to pick fights over nothing. Just asking her if she could not put garlic in our dinner because it made me have stomach problems, caused a to week long fight because "i had made her into such a horrible person" just by asking. Time went on and there were small fights now and then (usually about nothing).

In may of this year my mom was told she had a tumor in her stomach so i went to visit my parents who live 20 minutes away. My mom came home form the hospital and told me she had colon cancer and spread to the liver. After about 3 days at my parents, still being in total shock i called my xGF and asked if she could come pick me up, but she answered "cant you just take the bus"... Later that day she texted me saying it was best if i didnt come home at all, because she had "so much on her mind ant things going on with her kids".. after things calmed down i went home a week later, but soon arguments arose again.

This time i wanted to close the bedroom window because i couldnt handle the traffic noise outside because my head was so full of grief and shock. My xGF stormed out of the room, slept on the couch and ignored me for 3 days. I again went to my patents (with my mom now on chemo), for 14 days. After two weeks i went home, and my xgf cried saying she was sorry for causing me so much pain, and that she was "testing me".This is the only time she has been apologetic for her behaviour. My mom has now been told she has months to live and the cancer is incurable.
When i told my ex we both cried and she told me "we would help my father together".  After our last fight 14 days ago i went to my dads (my mom beeing in palliative care). Its been two weeks since i was at "home", and my xgf has not called or send ONE text asking how i, or my mother is. The hardest thing is feeling like you met a soulmate only to be let down when you need them the most... 

First off, I'm so sorry for what your mom is going through.  I lost both my parents over the past few years- my mom went fast, my dad went slow.  This may not be any consolation whatsoever but fast is so much better.  I'm sure your mom is a great woman and nobody wants to see her suffer. 

My best advice, my only advice, is to be there for your father at the moment and help him get through this.  These are days you'll never get back and you'll remember them for the rest of your life.  Make the most out of every moment and cherish it.

I also have quite a lot of experience since our stories are so similar.  I cared for my sick father with cancer at home with my BPD wife for 2.5 years, starting right around the initial COVID outbreaks.  Again, fast is better, my friend.  My wife loved my dad very much and she never recovered from him passing, the pain was just too much for her.  She left me about a year later when my brother shared he had cancer and very little time left. 

My wife didn't leave because she didn't care, she left because it was simply too much for her.  So she threw away our 24 year marriage and started living her best life.

I told you my story to share this- your ex going no contact may not mean that she doesn't care.  In these situations, there's really not words to express how much hurt comes from losing a parent, and its quite possible that your ex simply couldn't handle the hurt and pain.  Has she lost a parent or a close relative?  Maybe that's the catalyst here.

The advice that we'd generally give anyone in this situation is to focus on yourself and find activities to keep you busy that you enjoy.  Normally I'd say to focus on your health, catch up with old friends and maybe revisit old hobbies.  But your path is crystal clear, focus on your parents and be there however you can be. 

I personally understand how difficult it is to deal with relationship pain on top of family loss, but I got through it and you will as well.  For now, you must let her go and accept that she made a flawed decision in the worst of circumstances.  Know that she is hurting as well though and probably feels like complete crap for what she did.  BPD's carry so much guilt and shame for what they've done, that its often easier to destroy something than to try fixing it.

That's where you're at, my friend, and I hope you find a few nuggets in there that give you some guidance.  Good luck- the community is here for you if you need to talk this out.