BPDFamily.com

In addition to emotional abandonment when I was sick a couple of times, my uhwBPD is now refusing to help me with things I took for granted. He’s done with driving me anywhere that takes longer than  10-15 minutes, unless he wants to go there.  I’m a senior who’s a city gal who can’t drive. So I must now ALWAYS use public transportation, which he claims is “beneath him.” He drives himself everywhere.  But apparently, public transportation is good enough for me. If I want to visit a friend who is a bit too far away via public transportation, I can no longer ask him to drive me.  So either my girlfriend adjusts, if possible, or we just can’t meet. Fortunately, most of my friends live nearby, but it still stings. Now, the  car is for him ONLY, unless we go to a place of his choosing or to the doctor, together.  This is new.  It’s not so much that he’s getting worse — it’s more like the “flavor is changing.”

He’s in charge of our food budget, but now he’s reluctant to buy simple things for me, that I want for myself, like a few containers of yogurt, for example. So I’ve decided I’m not going to fight for a yogurt — I’ll just buy my own. It’s so crazy!  When I told him I’d buy my own, he got MAD! I thought I was offering a solution to a problem. Now I know better.  I buy my own stuff, without announcing it.  And I don’t beg him for anything.  I’ve learned a lot from this website.

My home is more peaceful now, because I don’t fight back. I use S.E.T.  Sometimes I just walk away.  But more and more, I try to operate like a single person now. I dare not count on him for anything.  Perhaps I can get him to be more accepting of the idea that it may be best to live like roommates— you do your thing, l’ll do mine. We’re almost there anyway.

Dinners with friends are a joy, compared to the veiled insults and put downs that I usually must endure from him at the dinner table. I sit there and play “rope a dope,” like I’m sparring with Muhammad ALI! That too has escalated, but he sneaks it in, rather than yelling. It’s little digs about how I place my napkin, etc.  And he barely listens to or remembers  anything I say. With friends, I’m a person — they’re a person. We enjoy each other.

I just had to vent. It’s hard to see him just letting go of husbandly responsibilities, but on the other hand, I guess it’s for the best, as well as inevitable.  The marriage is falling apart.

I’m wondering how long you’ve been together.

Another factor is that you are responding differently to his behavior. What you could be experiencing is an extinction burst.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

The behavior that previously triggered a particular response from you is no longer working, so he’s trying new tactics to engage you in arguments or trigger an emotional response from you. Your calmness and equanimity is not providing him the jolt of negative attention he wants. (Remember, with pwBPD, any attention, negative or positive, is what they seek.)

Cat, Thanks so much.

I’m going to read about extinction bursts shortly. 

We’ve been together for 20 years. I just discovered BPD back in May, when he had one of his worst outbursts ever.  I was searching for understanding.

I’ve been behaving differently ever since. —  Not responding to much. Stepping away from him.  Being careful not to fight back, etc.  I’ve also been getting out and socializing more with friends. It helps a lot, but the constant picking at me is intolerable at times. 

We’re seniors on fixed incomes now. A breakup would be a mutual financial disaster.  So m trying to cope.  It’s not easy. 


Thanks so very much. 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Keep your friends close, you need to be reminded you are a person, and you have value and people enjoy your company. And to remember that human interaction is not allways war for everyone else. But we are here too to understand how it is war for you and for us. I hope you find the way to live with some peace at home.

Big hug.

Thanks so very much, Joe.  This helps a lot.