BPDFamily.com

I haven't posted in a while...my client cancelled this morning and I'm having a moment. I've been trying hard to focus on the positive things and people in my life. But I wonder if I'm stuffing again? The other day I had a "meltdown."  My husband and I went out on a date night(VERY rare to be without our kids) and it all just spewed out to him. Afterwards I berated myself for "ruining" our night. Therapy absolutely helps but my pain comes up when it comes up and I've never been successful at scheduling it. I am 2 years completely NC with my parents. My boundary was for them to only communicate through email while I took time to heal individually after her last abusive incident. Their response was to ignore my boundary and immediately call. I texted them that I would only communicate through email...again. My Mom sent a vile and abusive email to me, scapegoated me by weaponizing a rape that happened to me when I was a teenager, outright lying about random events, and telling me she was done with me. My Dad sent an email to let me know that he would NOT communicate through email...only face to face. I now understand this abuse tactic. Their presence is and always will be intimidating, as they've been abusing me since birth. My Dad manipulates me into feeling bad for him and accepting her abuse to keep the peace. If I don't then he turns and will outwardly guilt and berate me. Hard to do through email...although my Mom succeeded. I never responded to his text. They never emailed. They never sent another text, call, or bday/holiday card to my children...they just disappeared from their life(which turns out is a blessing). TWO years completely NC and then my Dad texts me on my husband and I's 15th wedding anniversary. I know a lot of you will understand this...she STILL found a way to ruin a holiday/special occasion for me...which is and always has been very intentional. His text was: "We need to talk! Pick a location and time!" My response was to forward the email that she sent to me(I have no idea if he had ever read it or not since it was sent from her email) I said that if her email was still his or her version of reality then there is no way forward. I told him that they would never scapegoat or abuse me again. I told him that I would never push anything under the rug ever again to keep the peace or continue to protect the feelings of two people who have not protected mine. I then told him that my boundary was to only communicate to me through email and told him not to contact me again unless it is through an email. I wrote that because I fully intended to call the police if they showed up at my house. I fully intended to tell the police that she is a mentally ill violent person who once tried to physically assault me while I was pregnant with my second child. If I had been stronger then I would have followed through with calling the police and pressing charges...but I wasn't strong enough then. I am now. I am done...there is no more love for them...they used me all up. I'm proud of the fact that I recognized the intentionality behind contacting me on my anniversary...it's a blatant pattern since as young as I can remember. Her mental illness prevents her from being able to be happy for me or anyone else...she can't stand it if I'm happy. I enjoyed my anniversary. I celebrated the fact that I have defied many statistics but I'm most proud that I defied the odds of recreating my childhood by marrying an alcoholic/abuser. I'm proud of who we are as parents. I'm proud of how hard we both try to give them the love, support,  and experiences that we never had. I'm proud that we still love each other after all of these years and that he is still my best friend. We aren't perfect, of course, but we have BOTH been committed to growing and being better since the day I told him I was pregnant at 20 years old(not even a year after my brother's suicide.) I DID celebrate that. However, here I am a month after my anniversary and my Dad's text and I'm struggling to balance feeling my feelings and working through the pain and betrayal and also actually ENJOYING the life that I created for myself. The day after his text I scheduled with my psychiatrist and we adjusted my medication...but I'm angry that they still have this power over me to trigger my c-ptsd. I hadn't blocked them because I guess I still wanted to be available to them if there was an emergency?... I don't know why I didn't? I'm going to block them completely from any form of contact. They have my husband's number which will not be blocked. Even if they decided to email me... I no longer want to read what they have to say. Why would I willingly ingest more of their toxic poison or allow them to randomly text me in a year or two when I should be celebrating my own life! My issue is that I want to fully surrender my FOO, it's the only way forward for me, but I also don't want to stuff my emotions again.  I will absolutely talk to my therapist about this during my next appointment but I'd love a little perspective from anyone who understands this. Any input is welcome!

I’m so proud of you!  :wee: It’s so difficult to set boundaries and it will be an ongoing journey. But you did it!

You have every right to block them on your phone.

Grief comes in waves. When you feel the wave coming, allow yourself to feel it, recognize it, and then also allow yourself to let it pass. The waves will become less frequent and intense with time.

Sending love!

Thank you Dominos!    :heart:

I have always loved the grief comes in waves analogy because it is so very true! Occasionally I feel like I'm swimming along fine and then I'm smacked in the face and taken under water. It's hard to remember in the moment that I will breathe again. Thank you for the reminder!  :hug:

I have to second kudos your boundary setting. Very good job! 

I tend to hold in anger too which if I don't discharge it safely comes out in unexpected ways. I journal or exercise to release it. Am also attending a 12-step program which is helping me build a more satisfying life. There are a number out there - Al-Anon, CODA, and ACA - Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families.

Thank you Telhill! Thank you for recommending Al-Anon/coda. I have been telling myself that I would go back to a meeting... I absolutely see the value in them... I just struggle SO hard being vulnerable in a group. Did you struggle with this...if so would mind sharing about how you overcame it? My trust issues run hard and deep and my coping mechanism is to wall people off...so it almost feels impossible to communicate when I am so triggered by being vulnerable...if that makes sense? I do open open up to my psychiatrist and therapist because it's a professional relationship. I do open up to my husband, my best friend, and mother in law. I open up to my children differently, but am beginning to talk more with them about the truth of my past...but I am a big believer in the sacredness of childhood and know the detrimental effects of not parenting kids age appropriately. So I don't confide in my children the way my Mom did with me...she made me feel like I was completely responsible for her emotional well-being and if I ever opened up to her about ANYTHING she would use against me to hurt me or embarrass me. I recently worked with my therapist about a memory that came up one time when I confided in her about something as a teenager. A boy had asked me for my number one night and I believed it was love at first sight(gotta love that magical thinking part) I told ALL of my friends about him and how much we hit it off and liked each other, etc. Then...he NEVER called me? I was so embarrassed and I had no idea what to tell my friends because I had made such a big deal about him and kept asking if he'd called. It was a weak moment for me...at this point I was around 15(around my oldest sons age) and I wanted a Mom so badly that even though I knew she wasn't safe to confide in... I did it anyway. To my surprise, she acted like a Mom...she listened and acted supportive. I remember how good that conversation felt to me. Then the next day a few of my friends came over to pick me up. I must have been feeling overconfident because I normally never invited anyone into my home I would just run out the door. My Mom started talking to my friends and it was going well. Then my friend asked me if the boy had called yet. I told that I didn't know if he had tried to call because I had decided that I didn't like him anymore(lol) I had hoped that this answer would stop them from asking me about it and ending the situation. My Mom responded by laughing and taunting me about how that wasn't true. She told my friends that I was a liar and had just told her about how he had never called me. I was humiliated and I have no idea how I responded because I think I dissociated. I don't remember anything else about that night because of how afraid I was when I met her eyes after she did it. She outwardly displayed joy at hurting me a handful of times in my life and this was one of them. It was so incredibly confusing to me though because I had just felt love and connection with her, a feeling that was so foreign to feel. These feelings of hope and love and then the hurt of betrayal created a lot of trust issues. It's hard to be in a group of people and it's incredibly hard to ask for help. I have read so many books about the twelve steps and fully resonate, especially the book by Richard Rohr "Breathing Underwater" it was one of my most impactful books in my life. I think I may try a new meeting from the one that I was attending, and not because of them...they were lovely to me...but for a fresh start with it maybe? I have also thought about doing a virtual meeting to see if that makes it less uncomfortable to me. Anyways...sorry this turned into a rant. Thank you again for the recommendation because I feel like the recovery meeting route is going to be very helpful for me because I LOVE reading and listening to other people's testimonies and recovery stories so I want to get over this hurdle in my life and work through the discomfort of the group aspect. Sorry this turned into a rant lol

 :hug:

BPD mom created a lot of trouble for me as her only daughter. Her end goal was to make me cry as a child, get me to yell at her as a teen. To further that, she ridiculed me for my weight, appearance, the way I walked, the way I spoke, my handwriting, my efforts to help around the house. It was an all-encompassing critique of my being. 

She was aggressive too. She hit me as a kid for no apparent reason. She was like a juvenile delinquent older sister.  She seemed to want to prove her superiority to me by any means possible.  Really sadistic stuff!

Am so sorry she betrayed your confidence and is physically abusive.  :hug:  You are very smart to stay away. You deserve a good life free from danger and harm.

I tend to wall people off and isolate myself as well. It's natural considering our childhoods, but it doesn't help once you live your own life away from the disordered parent. Am still dealing with the fallout of the trauma she caused.  I find it hard to trust and am pretty suspicious of anyone's motives.

Most of the meetings are online via Zoom in the US.  Many mute the mike and turn off the video. I have noticed attendees speak generally about dysfunctional families, bosses or romantic relationships without getting into specifics. Some people do cry though.  I dragged my heels for a few years before I attended. Goodness knows, there's no shortage of dysfunctional behavior in the world. You can go when you feel ready. They will be there!