BPDFamily.com

First of all sorry my English (am non American)

Me and my girl we both are in a relationship for the past 7 years,we had fights we avoid eachother,we stopped talking to eachother but never got separated,we always find a way to get back together, for the last 2 years she went abroad and am in our home country,she was diagnosed with BPD there and now she is always ignoring me,seen and not replying my texts,not answering my calls,am trying my best to communicate with her , sometimes she was behaving like she can't live without me but all of a sudden everything changes,iam getting ignored for reason,how to deal with this, I really love her but this is deeply hurting me,how can I deal this

Hi and welcome to the group  :hi: really glad you felt ready to reach out and get some support. Relationships with pwBPD (persons with BPD) are challenging at best, so the more support and resources we have for ourselves, the better.

In the past, when you two would have fights and stop talking with each other, how long would those times usually last -- hours, days, weeks... longer? And how would the communication usually start up again (from her, from you, something else)?

Does this time feel different from those times in the past, or are there similarities?

Getting a diagnosis of BPD can be a big deal. How did you find out about her diagnosis -- was she the one to tell you? If so, how did she seem to be coping with the diagnosis? Some pwBPD can be relieved, as it explains a lot, other pwBPD can reject the diagnosis as too shameful.

One key part of being in a relationship with a pwBPD is that the "non" (the person without BPD) needs to build relational tools and skills that aren't always intuitive. For example, in a "normal" relationship, explaining yourself or defending your choices can be a normal part of an argument or a conflict, which can then move to resolution. However, in a BPD relationship,  "JADE-ing" (Justifying, Arguing/Attacking, Defending, Explaining) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0) often makes things much worse, as the pwBPD can experience that as hurtful and not validating.

It can take a lot of emotional strength to stay in a relationship with a pwBPD, and, especially, not to lose yourself and your own emotional health in the process. If you have a minute or two, take a look at our article on What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship (https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship) with a pwBPD, and let us know -- what do you think about it?

We understand the hurt and confusion that you're feeling, and we're here for you.

-kells76

Hey David.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Hopefully this will help.

For BPD's, their greatest fear is abandonment.  So they're always scared of you leaving, and in turn they behave badly and push you away so you can't leave them.  It's very sad and painful for everyone involved.

Where you're at right now, she's stepped away and can't decide what she wants.  If she's not replying, the best thing you can do is give her some space.  Try to avoid texting and calling unless it's necessary, and when you do reach out, be as loving and supportive as possible.  Just remember that once you send a text, you can't take it back.  So make each message count.

Also, as you communicate in the future, it is essential for you to stop passing blame.  I'm sure she made plenty of mistakes, but if you want her back then you have to truly forgive her.  Likewise, don't focus on what you've done wrong either since that only brings up the past and bad memories.  Focus on today only and keep the tone positive. 

Reassure her that you love her and miss her- that should be the core of every message.  And if she replies, then be sure to focus on her needs and how she's actually doing right now.  I hope that helps.