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Me and the uBPDh have had ups and downs but generally the conflict and upsets have been contained to our marriage counselling sessions. I briefly had some hope for us recovering but I'm pretty certain now that our marriage isn't going to work long term. He's actually doing pretty good himself at the moment, by the standards of the last few years. He's putting a lot of the therapy he did into practice at last, and we've been talking things through and although its slow he's started to see a few things from my side at last. But I think it's clear enough for me that he's not the person I thought I married.

My ideal is to keep supporting him through his training, into more therapy once that's done if possible, but have us both come to the conclusion that we can't give each other what we each need in a marriage and amicably separate. In fact today something happened that gives me some hope that I might even be able to say that (relatively) soon, directly. Today I'm hopeful that taking it slow but firm, truthful but tactful, might pay off and sooner than expected. I'm still tired, still depressed, but there's a gleam of light starting to break through. I'm just hoping it's not pure naivete on my side to think a jointly-agreed breakup is something possible.

That's a healthy mindset to have and I'm glad you guys are working this out together. 

In my situation, the marriage blew up and I spent the next several months trying to right the ship, to save the relationship.  But the honest truth was that my wife wasn't stable enough to be in a relationship and her healing was the most important thing.  The second most important thing was me healing and learning how to deal with BPD head-on, and I'm very thankful I had that time to reset and refocus.  It served me well and allowed me to be there more for my wife and the tidal wave of emotions she was going through.

We often think that the most important question is whether or not the relationship can be saved.  Whether both people can heal and be happy should be the true goal since a relationship can't work without it.

Thanks Pook075. You’ve put it really well, his healing is important and I’m learning to deal with it. I’m my case I am realising I can deal with his BPD  and love him as family but it by necessity means I don’t feel I can depend on him the way I need in a partner (reliability is important to me). I think on his part he needs someone who won’t react to some of his particular triggers which clash badly with me. But still hoping he’ll realise that on his own soon.

That's the thing- his healing is on his timelines and you can't force anyone to realize anything.  But you can focus on you and your own journey to renewal, which will only strengthen your chances of having a great future relationship. 

Supporting him healing and fixing the relationship are two different things, and its great that you've realized that on your own.  You can do one without the other and its the healthy way to approach this.