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Hey everyone. About to hit my 6 months since leaving my exBPDgf. I've been working on progressively making changes for myself like avoiding social media and attempting to dodge any doomscrolling. I've also applied for a different job closer to home and far enough away from her that I don't ever have to worry about bumping into her. The drinking problem still persists which has been a struggle, but the main problem I'm having is when the rumination starts.

I've been doing a "windshield wiper" technique where any time I'm able to recognize thoughts or feelings of her coming up, I just turn on the "wipers" and instantly clean her from my mind and think of something else. It's mostly effective when I have something else going on like my day job or if I'm spending time with my family. The problem is that on days off or days where I'm able to have time to myself, the wiper technique doesn't work. Some mornings I just lay in bed for hours either mindlessly doomscrolling through YT shorts or just staring blankly at nothing while those intrusive thoughts wash over my mind and keep me motionless and depressed. I think of everything, the good and the bad. I try so hard to convince myself that I should reconnect in some way, ANY way, just to see how she's doing. If she's getting the treatment she needs, if she's seeing someone else, if she's as heartbroken as I still am. I even try to convince myself I should write a letter to her or her dad(he was incredibly supportive towards me in the relationship and we had a strong bond). I haven't though. I haven't broken NC because I know how vulnerable I still am.

But what are some things you all do when those thoughts come up? Part of me thinks I just need to constantly keep myself busy or distracted to keep using the Wiper technique, but another part has been really struggling when I can't. I'm afraid to be alone with my own thoughts.

Hello and thanks for sharing.  This is something I struggle with as well since our minds really are our own worst enemies in this type of situation.

For me, if I start focusing too much on my ex, I'll pick up the phone and call someone...anyone...to talk about whatever.  If there's nobody to call, I'll get in my car and go for a drive to listen to music and enjoy the outdoors.  Sometimes I go for a walk, sometimes I'll just visit a local park or go grocery shopping.  The activity itself doesn't matter as much as doing something to help shift my mindset.

For instance, for the first 6 or 7 months after the breakup, I'd get up before sunrise and go to a local park to listen to a sermon on YouTube.  That became a habit and I genuinely enjoy it, and I've also made a few acquaintances that also hit the park at sunrise.  That became my thing though, get up, make coffee, go hang out at the lake at the park a few miles away. 

It felt normal, it felt good and safe, so if I'm having a difficult moment, guess what I do?

Also, exercise seems to help me a good bit.  Scientifically, the body releases anti-depression chemicals when we exert ourselves physically, and we also feel better from actually getting into shape.  I think I lost around 40 pounds the first 3-4 months after breaking up?  We won't talk about how much I gained back, LOL.

Finally, talk to people about what you're going through.  You might think that they won't understand...and maybe you're right.  But if they're a friend then they'll still help you get through this.  Hiding from our feelings is almost never a recipe for success, so don't be afraid to open up.  Counseling is a great tool as well in this situation.

Hi and thanks for sharing this. I think this is something many of us (including myself) are dealing with. Here are two guided meditations that I've found helpful:

A Message to Anxiety - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxyyvwFtyZE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxyyvwFtyZE)

I Do Not Have To Hold This Now - https://soundcloud.com/alison_potts/i-do-not-have-to-hold-this-now (https://soundcloud.com/alison_potts/i-do-not-have-to-hold-this-now)

Is there a hobby or passion you have always wanted to do but haven't? This is would be the time to get into it. Additionally, the more unique and novel the better. You have to place your focus and thoughts on the passion or hobby instead. Also, it has to be something where there is a element of challenge. The point is to direct your energy and thought space towards something constructive and productive and not destructive.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

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When all else fails? Try leaning into them.

Ruminating is your psyche trying to resolve something.

It can certainly be excessive, even debilitating, and both techniques and limits can help, but sometimes I just couldn't turn it off, so id journal it all. It probably resembled that it's always sunny in Philadelphia meme, the one with all the connections made all over the place, but at the very least, id eventually tire myself out of it, and at best, id do it in a focused way, and try to actually find a resolving point, organize those ruminations into something coherent. There was some healing in that process.

In other words, try setting limits, but also allow time to explore your thoughts, in a focused way.