BPDFamily.com

Hi, I’m new to this group. I live in Europe. In 2009 a met the woman, I thought of my dreams. Things were stormy enough from the beginning, but by 2014 we had two kids. Things were difficult, rages by both of us, constant deep emotional pain on my partner’s side, me trying to fix getting worn out and worsening depression. I believe my former partner to be uBPD, nearly all the symptoms are there apart from self harm - more of the Queen variety. We separated in late 2017 but remained looking after children in the the same house, me hoping to reconcile. In 2019 June she declares herself a lesbian and moves out with kids 50/50 with new partner. This falls through by April 2021, she is back in the house, I’d had nervous breakdown during the intervening period but no let up for me looking after kids. We live separate lives, August 2023 she moves out after minor enough disagreement which I sought to take to a mediator  concerning a planning application. Since then 50/50 kids but they’re mainly with me. I have a long history with depression and have been off work since July when this blew up. I pushed for family therapy, 2 sessions so far but these have largely been untrue claims of violence about me (I did lose the head on occasion but the only physical assaults were against me). I want to create some form of stability for kids - question is is family therapy a waste of time or how should I approach it. I’ve been getting defensive with the constant accusations and criticism. She is only focused on getting the maximum amount of money out of me and my family - I would still have her back living in the house, if she decided, but I would have no support from family or friends on that - it is over a suppose but now I'm concerning court to secure my parental rights but very concerned what reaction that will produce. And of course I have now given in re the planning issue and are doing as she wished initially. All advice welcome, I'm at a loss what do to. (we are both in a late 40s but the kids are still not teenagers).

Hi Richard and welcome, I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

Before I reply, I do want to point out that you posted in the "bettering a relationship or reversing a breakup" thread, so the advice given here will be geared towards reconciliation.  If that's not your goal at this time, please ask a moderator to move this to another forum thread where you'll get different advice.

I have been where you're at and I'm currently in the divorce process with two daughters in their 20's.  It is definitely harder when they're younger and I completely understand your motivations for wanting some normalcy in their lives.  The path to getting that comes from better communication with your BPD spouse and learning to show her empathy.  While what she says may feel invalid, the emotions behind how she talks/acts is very real to her and it's what drives her actions.  So you need to learn practical tools to avoid escalating these situations so a productive conversation can take place.

There are several help areas at the top of the page to help you work through some of these skills.  Please take advantage of them and let us know if you have any questions.

Additionally, you must take this time during the separation to focus some on yourself.  Talk to old friends, pick up old hobbies again, and don't sit around the house letting depression get the best of you.  Every single person here has been there and we understand the pain and heartache, so please know that this isn't judgement.  The cure for depression is being motivated and happy, so start finding your happy place again in daily activities that you love.  It's not selfish...it's grieving and actually healing.

Please feel free to ask any questions.  I wish you luck!

Thanks Pook, I found your response helpful. I went down and signed the planning papers today, she will not even discuss the issue as it is her project. In the quick interaction we had the hate was evident from her. I’m also preparing a case to get legal joint custody of my children, something that she has never disputed being willing to do but hasn’t as wishing to use it as leverage re money, I really would give her whatever I can but need to protect our home for the children, we’ll that’s my view. I’m going to return to work soon. The real issue is I just want to lessen the hate towards me, court action is not going to do that so I fear it but I don’t want the kids used as bargaining chips. This situation has dragged on for years now.

Hi Richard,

Sorry to hear what you’re going through. Only thing I can advise is for you to work on getting your head straight as a priority. These relationships are inherently traumatic in themselves and keep us in a constant state of fight or flight mode. No sound decisions can be made in that state of mind, let alone looking to peacefully co-parent. Seeing an individual therapist may help.

It sounds like you may be in a state of codependency - trying to tend to her needs before yours in fear of what she may feel or do. Whether you choose to attempt at reconciling or proceed with a divorce, you need to have your head straight. Read forum boards and lessons here on BPD and how to diffuse conflict through validation techniques as well if you wish to try to have any semblance of “normal” conversations.

Unfortunately thats all I can advise but that seems to be the common thread in getting back on your feet - work on yourself first.