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Hi all. I'm here again. And I don't know where to start but I'm here anyway.

I've been through awful months recently. Tense relationship led to a major break up by my partner for 22 days, then reconciled for 2 weeks an broke up again. We've been separated since 9th September. Some days no contact, and some days fighting, or at least it sounded like that to me.

It wasn't a clear, direct break up tho. Just got blocked suddenly after an "inappropriate" reaction to a poem he shared with me about his SA trauma. And since then, I'm not able to find any reason to why he hasn't been back. He's given me many reasons, like he doesn't love me, he was forced to stay with me, he hates me, he loves me but being with me makes him suffer, he's changed and I'm not his type anymore, etc.

I've started to take care of myself a bit. Even though I should confess it's very hard for me and I kinda stupidly have some hope for getting back. After all, 10 intimate years is not something I can easily forget.

I've had an attempt of talking to him to make things clear, but his guard is all up for me. And even though he says otherwise, his previous actions prove me he loves me (or at least has loved me at some point).

I'm not still chosing to move on. Things are more complicated than I can easily let go of them, so maybe that's why I'm still writing in this topic. And I'm looking for your opinions. :)

Other than the length of time you’ve been together, what are some of the compelling reasons you’d like to repair your relationship with him?

The way that we match actually. We have similarities in the way we look at life and world, we share same values and moralities (not totally the same but well people are different in the end) and the way that a relationship means to us and we want it to be. I can tolerate his negative traits and he can do the same with mine, and actually when he's not splitting on me he's a very good partner.

[ And all these is also what made me confused. I can't see what he means when he says I'm not his type or he suffers with me or what had made these last three months tense for us. We were really a match for each other even in our weak points in our personalities, and even this immigration experience has changed us a lot we're still. So how did all this happen? ]

When he’s splitting does he seem to have different values?

Um I guess. During the splits that he cuts off contact I can't really know, but during those that he doesn't I think his whole view to everything changes in some way, but especially to relationship.

Now that you asked I realized a funny thing. We even have noticable similarities and shared values when he splits. :)) kinda hard to explain, but it seems like he has two color pallets for me (one while splitting and one while not) so I always have things to love and appreciate in him, but I'm only two colors for him: black (in contrast with all he wants, so he has no interest in me), or white (I'm a great person and he loves me).

What are things you appreciate about him even when he is in a splitting phase? While you always have something about him that’s positive for you, he seems to either only idealize you or keep you at a distance?

I guess more than anything I like the way he tries to accept life as it is. I know he tries for this when he's not splitting, but at these times I have seen that he's mostly struggling more than before.

And kinda yes, because I've felt like his splitting proceeds step by step, and first he's like "You're a great person, but I don't love you" so I'm not totally black or idealized. Then slowly it becomes "you're abusive, you're not empathic, you don't hear me, I've never loved you at all".

And when he's idealizing me, he kinda sees my weak points too. I'm not totally black, but he loves me the way I am. When he's splitting on me, it seems like the person he was before is all gone, and now there's a new person who has literally no feelings for me.

As many times as he has split and come back- what makes you think this time is really "it"?

Um, in which way do you mean exactly? If break up, I guess based on his reactions, the reasons he brings up, the length and severity.

Btw I was thinking that more than the break up itself, this big question hurts me so much that what did I do to deserve this much hate? Last time he said (with a lot of anger) that he knows it's hard for mr and my life is difficult too, but he feels no empathy with mr because he was in a relationship with me against his will (??how were I supposed to force him exactly??).

I can't really know if he ever loved me. I think about his "actions" and I don't think (and I can't believe) someone would do such stuff for someone they don't even like, or they're with them unwillingly. But then I think about this person he's been these two last months, someone full of hatred for me, who seems to enjoy telling me hurtful, cold words, who seems has forgot all we've had together, and think how did all these happened?

Maybe I was living a lie all these ten years? Maybe I was the abusive one torturing him to stay? I don't know.

Hi Bella! I am sorry you are going through this situation. It`s normal in such a situation to be thrown off base, and have all these questions. Here are my two cents. For some people, lashing out and projection are ways of exteriorizing their own internal pain. His behaviour is more a reflection of his own abilities to manage his emotions.  It can be affronting to have these accusations thrown at you. Reflecting on your own flaws has its merits, but it`s important to stick to the facts, and understand that his view right now is skewed.

How are you feeling?

You did nothing to deserve this much hate.  He has a mental illness.  The paradox of this and other mental illness is that they lash out at the ones that they love the most.  It is a sick, distorted, and even a perverted way of showing his love for you.  All one has to do is look at severe dementia patients, they lash out at the ones they love too.

I know you have a physical distance between the two of you (Germany vs Turkey), there was absolutely nothing there to keep him in a relationship against his will with you that the love and care that you had for each other.  This is illogical, it makes no more sense than saying there is a herd of pink elephants in your room.  You know this is not true as it too is a manifestation of the ill mind.

Unless your friend has an epiphany, you will never really know how much he cared for you as he cannot articulate it.

From your posts, it is evident that you cared for him all of this time - please don't beat yourself up on this.

If he has determined that your relationship with him has expired, by staying, and pining for him will only generate more hurt for your own well being.

I know it is very difficult to find help in Turkey, but seek out additional advice here.

In the meantime, please do some self-care for yourself, whatever that may look like for you.  Exercise, going out for a walk in the sun, losing yourself in a good book/tv show/movie.

You may want to try journaling your feelings, and put your pain on paper.

Just some thoughts to help you cope with your current situation.

Hugs.   :hug:

My dear Tina, thanks a lot. :)
I actually don't know how I feel right now. I know he's in a lot of pain (or at least I guess so). He feels like his old self is dead, he's dealing with problems with his residence permit, studies, probably being alone, his eye illness which is a really serious one and all of this has scared him out, and there's not much I can do for him probably.
I'm probably more confused than anything else as I can't find the source of this severe split, hatred and anger he has for me and living in the uncertainty of having him back or not after all these years is making me feel dizzy. I guess I should've had gotten used to it after all these years with a pwBPD. :)

My dear SaltyDawg, many thanks for all the stuff you wrote for me. It really helped.

You know the painful paradox of such relationship for me is that I kinda know that probably this is also the way of showing love to me, so I still have a part of me waiting for him to come back to his senses, because right now he seems like a person on fire who's running away from me as if I'm the one putting him on fire. But in the meantime, I know there's nothing much I can do for us if he has his mind on thinking like this. In previous splits, I could kinda help us by talking to him and reasoning with him, but this time it seems like it doesn't work.

I don't even know if I want to move on, or still want to wait. And funny that I feel much calmer than previous break ups. Maybe it's due to my efforts for not quit normal living. :)

Hi Bella- I pointed this out because- you and he are both humans, each with your own set of feelings. You are focused on how he is feeling and not sure how you are feeling. This is a common situation when we are so focused on someone else to the point where we lose touch with our own feelings.

You can have your own feelings too. Surely all this time you must have felt angry at his behavior, or sad, and even happy at times. It's important to tune into your own feelings. Sometimes we over focus on to someone else as a way to cope with our own.

When I said "how do you know this is "it"- I meant that he has cycled through painting you black and then reconcilled again. You think this time is different, and I wondered why.

While you also want to know what is the reason for his behavior- as if it's something you did- it may not be anything about you. You didn't deserve this. It's his own disordered thinking that influences how he perceives things.

He is not in a relationship "against his will". You two are in different countries.  He's free to do whatever he wants to do. This is his own victim perspective.

It's good you feel calmer. You don't have to feel anything is wrong about that. You can take care of yourself during this time.

My very dear Notwendy, thanks again for all your words.
I admit it, I've been really focused on how he's doing and seeing all the reasons behind his behaviors, while he wasn't really caring about me at some point (I say at some point, because before this blocking happened, he was still trying to be considerate of my feelings among avoiding me :/ ).
But more than that, I'm exactly feeling all those you mentions as a mixture and this is too much for me to feel so I kinda also feel numb to all of them. I don't know if I'm making sense. :)


Also, to be honest with you, I'm not sure if this is the pain of separation and anxiety that leads me to think like this. Because all the words I've heard from him and all the behaviors are all the same. I've been here and heard the same stuff before. With the only difference being the length of this cycle. And the uncertainty of not getting seen white again.
But what you say sounds very exact: he is definitely painting me black. I only don't know if this rollercoaster will ever comes back to the place it was once, again. This ks frightening for me, I have to confess.

And yes, I've been doing some stuff for myself lately. I've gone to watch movies with my brother, we play online games, I dyed my hair to have a boost in my confidence, but there is still a sadness deep inside me. Maybe it takes time, regardless of him coming back or not.

One idea that might help explain what you are feeling is that these up and down cycles replicate something like a drug dependence. Our brains release neurotransmitters during times of stress and happiness and drugs do the same thing. Our brains repond to neurotransmitters no matter what the source is.

The cycle of stress- relief and happiness when together- stress, anxiety when apart replicates the drug high and withdrawal. People can actually get "addicted" to drama, anger, and stress.

In 12 step co-dependency work, there's a term called "emotional sobriety". It took me a while to understand what this meant. I don't have issues with drugs or alcohol, so I didn't understand at first.

But I recall turning 21 ( legal drinking age in the US) and having the first mixed drinks ever in celebration  and waking up the next day feeling terrible and thinking "this is what a hangover must be like" and promising myself to never do that again.

Never did it with alcohol again but I have felt similarly terrible the next day after an argument or stressful situation and now I realize that is an "emotional hangover". When people turn to substances they tend to "numb out" their own feelings. Over focusing on someone else's ups and downs can have the same effect.

You are feeling the "withdrawal" right now. The cure? Self care as you are doing. The challenge ( should the relationship resume) is- how to take care of yourself and stay "emotionally sober" even if he is on the rollercoaster?

I guess this is one thing that actually triggered us both in different ways. I was constantly dragged into his emotions and that rollercoaster he was on, to the point that it triggered him because he got mad at me over not being emotionally sober. That made him go on a rage, blaming me all, then feeling huge guilt but he seemed unable to manage his anger. He had good steps before but I guess it was out of his control with all he was going through.
And I didn't have control over mine too. I wanted to stay sober, and have control over it but I was losing myself the moment it was starting to happen.
I don't want to blame myself for things that aren't actually my fault anymore. I know that this was probably due to many fights that we've had and my fear of losing him, but I don't think it's all his fault. I play my part in this problem.

I can relate a lot to your experience.

His fluctuations brought out fear and anxiety in you, because you cared a lot about how he was feeling. On his end, seeing you upset and facing the impact of his outbursts was difficult because he cared a lot about you too. At the same time, it is within your right to have the expectation from a partner that they communicate how they are feeling, and realize when other events in their lives are impacting their mood, instead of lashing out at you. Being on the receiving end of this sort of behaviour takes its toll not only on your mental health, but also on your physical health.

As was suggested, take the time to focus on yourself and tune into how you are feeling. I still struggle with this! You can grow a lot from this experience, whatever the outcome down the line.

About emotional sobriety or the lack of it—Having done this myself in two marriages, I realize that there was a point when I became more focused upon my partner than I was on my own life. Sure, I paid attention to my own wants and needs, but much of my daily preoccupation was on my husband’s moods and trying to figure out how to manage them.

Over time, it became a singularly focused pursuit. I thought there must be some magic *key* that if I could figure out how to respond, then perhaps I could keep him from getting emotionally derailed.

In retrospect, it seemed that my attempts of keeping him emotionally balanced backfired. With time, I think I can now understand how my efforts were counterproductive.

By becoming his monitor, or emotional caretaker, I was putting myself in a supervisory position. He obviously felt that and frequently accused me of “feeling superior”, which I denied. Though on the other hand, I was far more able of controlling my emotions and behaving rationally than he was at times. So I guess there was a sliver of truth in his accusations.

Since people with BPD often have a deep lingering feeling of shame and self loathing hidden under the surface, even for those who present as confident and self assured, my behavior was undoubtedly perceived as criticism.

Though I felt I was well meaning, wanting to *help* him, now I’m aware that a big part of my motivation was wanting to have emotional peace in my life.

It has occurred to me that my distress tolerance needed some work. I now realize that he is a far more emotional person than I, and that I can feel really uncomfortable when he has what appear to be *extreme* responses to situations that seem overly exaggerated to me.

So currently I’m trying to be more comfortable with him being more emotionally reactive. That said, I don’t need to participate in whatever he’s upset about, nor if I’m uncomfortable do I need to be in close proximity to him.

I’m just writing intuitively here—not sure if any of this may be relevant to your situation, but offering it as perhaps another option to interpret your partner’s inexplicable behaviors.

I totally agree. And it had actually affected my physical health too. I remember he once said he's tired of being the monster, while I never blamed him even by one single word for all of these. I know he was struggling inside.

This is something I really need to work on. As well as acceptance. He said you weren't open to the possibility of my suicide, but the only thing that helped me to cope and accept my illness was the I knew if it goes in the direction of making me blind, I have the opportunity to not live in that way.
I don't mean engaging in his suicidal thoughts or something of course, but I kinda always got super anxious and reactive when he was suicidal because of hus eye illness. I never accepted his fear maybe. Because exactly as you said, now I know, I was looking for stability.

Your words have helped me more than you think, thanks. :)

I just mentioned something to him yesterday. That when I told him he's not being true to himself, I didn't mean invalidating his emotions and thoughts. I was just trying to say that what he sees of our relationship is not only 0 or 100. But since he hates me and there's nothing I can do about it, I'll leave it to him.

He answered he doesn't hate me and I don't even understand this, and he's tired of explaining. So he'll block me on that platform too if I text him once more. I didn't answer. Today, he sent me something like this from a tweet: Dialogue is not impossible, however, there is usually no reason for it to occur. It is useful for people to know that the opposite situation (assuming the possibility of dialogue and the necessity of its formation) can be neutral or harmful.

And then blocked me on that platform too. Now I totally look like a question mark. I don't even understand his reasons. I don't understand his actions and I didn't even get an explanation. Confused 200%.

I will allow more experienced members to weigh in on what he said. It is indeed confusing!

Amidst all of this, remember to take care of yourself. I know that a lot of brain power can go into deciphering this kind of behaviour. As much as possible, try and seek a balance. Differentiate his perception of the situation from your reality.

Thanks dead, I try my best to not put too much energy in making sense of his behavior. A part of my mind is struggling with it always tho.

And I sometimes stick to what I know as facts so hard in spite of what he says. Like when he says he's never loved me, but I can't accept this after all things he's done for me and just to be with me. He chose to take the risk of immigration for me (not his only reason but I was one of main reasons), fighting for me with his super religious, queerphobic parents for many years since he was very young and even dependant on them, etc, I can't tell he did all those for any other reason than love. But when he insists on me invalidating him, it makes me doubt that maybe I'm Just delusional. It's a bit hard and probably there's never 100% wrong or right, but I try my best to. :)

If someone were to tell me `you have ugly blue hair!`, it wouldn`t bother me at all. I know I do not have blue hair. What tends to stick longer in my mind is when I feel reproached for something that may have truth to it, something that I doubted about myself before it was brought up. Something that I feel vulnerable about.

I`m still trying to figure out how to navigate these cases myself. You can take the time to reflect objectively on what is being said. You can show compassion to yourself, and learn from the situation. All the while, taking into account where the other person is coming from. You don`t have to accept everything that is being said to you either. Again, it goes back to seeing yourself as an individual and deciding what you think for yourself.

Kind of...venting?
I'm terrified, I guess. I'm so scared. I was thinking about the future in which I see my partner as a stranger, and it scared me so much to have someone I love in such a distant position. And I know that if this is going to be a permanent break up, it's wound would never get healed. Not because I'm addicted/used to this person. Because beside all the bad manners and traits he has, despite all those awful (not bad, because I guess we all know as people in relationship with pwBPD, we can have far worse memories with out partners than others have and consider as bitter experiences) memories, I know this person was one of a kind for me, the one.
There will be probably many people out there that I'll find them quite nice and attractive, but with all the flaws, this person will probably stay the one I share a soul with.

I'm not depressed, I function quite well in my daily life, I tend to enjoy, get excited, follow my goals, I can feel happy. But deep down, I'm still searching for answers he's not willing/able to give me. And also worrying about the end of my relationship.

I've made some guesses myself about what happened that he suddenly got that much distanced and "neutral" with me. Or even not neutral, because I can understand the difference in him while feeling anger/hate at me deep down, and being neutral to me or anyone else. But I hate that I can't confirm them. And I know that I should try to accept what's unpredictable and unclear, but I wish I could just discuss it until I could reach a stable point, or at least get it out of my head.

And... I'm tired of having nightmares. It's been four nights and I'm just tired of waking up in the middle of the night with my heart beating mad.

I can tell he means a lot to you.

I understand feeling that, you could maybe see yourself with someone else, but that it won`t be the same. I don`t think moving forward and healing has to look the same for everyone, and I don`t think that any way is `better` than another. It`s all about the perspective that works and fits you, and that perspective can change with time and your own reflections. For some people, dating again and leaving it all behind is what moving forward looks like. If that doesn`t feel right (it didn`t for me), there is no pressure to force it upon yourself. You can spend your time, in my opinion, equally as fruitfully, in learning about yourself, and embracing how much the relationship meant to you, flaws and all.

It`s understandable that you are searching for answers that could bring clarity on what happened. I felt the same way, and I`ll paraphrase what was said to me at the time. While it`s not unreasonable in general terms, it may be unrealistic to seek that clarity from this person in question. I hope you can understand what I mean. He probably has many unresolved feelings himself, and opening that can of worms with him wouldn`t provide any constructive feedback, but rather become a superficial blaming game. At least, that`s what he seems to demonstrate for now. You can still learn a lot, and even come to deeper truths from within yourself that no other person could provide.

Focusing on yourself, while definitely hard at times, gives a certain stability that helps you maintain a balance no matter what comes `at you` (you hear from him again, you don`t hear from him again, he sends you cryptic messages, he declares his undying love from you, etc.). Hang in there, and take care of yourself.

So, I propose this to you.

A simple Pro's and Con's list of him. Only do this when you feel you can be objective about it. This is more of a self-exercise for you and not to necessarily appease me or anyone else. I have no dog in the fight so therefore I am just here to help you sort through things.

Also, what do you truly want for yourself? What do you think it truly is that prevents you from wanting to move on? Besides any abnormal behavior or disorder being involved, what incompatible traits in your relationship did you see? What makes you two compatible.

In essence, just food for thought and providing you a vehicle to explore multiple scenarios, outcomes, and avenues.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

It seems like he's experiencing a heavy depression (as he said on his story on his ig). And also shared a video about missing people after break up:
"-will you ever stop missing them?
+ You dont. You miss them, miss them, miss them, miss them, and move on."
I just don't get it. Why should you do something that hurts you like this and force yourself to move on from someone when it's not necessary?
Maybe I should stop thinking about whys and hows.

Dear SinisterComplex, I kinda sis what you said. It's not complete tho, but it's better than nothing anyway.
I've been unable to find the real reason behind my unwillingness to move on actually. At the moment, the reason that appears to me on the surface is that abnormal behavior and disorder. And probably also the pleasant relationship we've had over years (even with all difficulties and ups and downs that I'm well aware of), and the way that he matches to what I want from my partner.

And we never had that kind of challenges or serious incompatibilities before his BPD traits showing up. Maybe. We had disagreements, fights, but even when we were discussing polyamory, there were no serious problems or at least I didn't see one. All our fights, break ups, etc, were caused by stupid stuff which I think they're BPD related. When he was severely mad at me for not letting him die, for using a certain word instead of "delicious", for wanting lemons (

Lol I came to re-read what I wrote and now I see that my previous post seems cut off or something?
Anyway. I've talked about that lemon thing on here before, and it really hurts me to see that all those serious problems were caused by kind of BPD traits and the mixture of it with me not being emotionally matured and in control enough.

Probably this is the biggest reason why I'm shocked by this break up and the reasons he gave me (which are not rational to me compared to his actions).

I was sharing something about my partner and my feelings with one of two friends I have their support during these times (or at least I thought I had). One is going through a break up as well, longer than me tho. And her response was "damn, just get over it and forget about it for a while, I think about my ex too but I don't hurt myself over it". And I was like "yeah, thanks for the advice I didn't know I shouldn't hurt myself for it, I would definitely do that if I could"!
I she's going through another phase of her break up and is having her own ups and downs, but I don't expect someone that much close to me to say such stuff; especially when she personally doesn't like to hear similar words from others. I don't think she can ever know or understand the complexity of a break up/split with someone with BPD.

I just feel so alone in this path.

Hey Bella, I`m sorry your friend said those words to you. `Just get over it` is something I heard too, and it made me feel dismissed and like something was wrong with me. You seem to already have the insight that she is going through her own ups and downs. She might be projecting her own frustrations onto you, or not be in a place where she can extended compassion and understanding right now. It doesn`t make what she said right, but it means that you really shouldn`t take what she says personally.

Whatever you feel is valid, and we`ve been in similar enough positions that we know it isn`t easy or simple. You`re not alone, we`re here with you.

So... Yesterday I got unblocked by him again, everywhere.
I gave no reaction. Today, I received this message from him:

"The reason I unblocked you was because I thought maybe I can talk at some point, but not to return or have any kind of relationship, just for a closure. I thought you have to know that so it won't be a question for you, so you don't think about it"

I don't know what to say. :|

Hey Tina, thanks for your reply. I know she's going through some other stuff herself and I appreciate all the support and help she could and was to me during this time, but that hurt anyway as you said.
Thanks for your kindness, dear, it means so much to me. :) :X

And a shocking finding (although I wasn't that much shocked because I was kinda sure and we even had a fight over it): He's got a diagnosis for autism.

(I opened his first message that I wrote here and didn't answer, he texted again to say he didn't mean to be rude and looking from top to bottom, then again sent a message to say he got an official diagnosis for autism).

It seems to me like he might be purposefully trying to provoke a reaction from you (by unblocking first, and then sending a message when you didn’t say anything).

How are you feeling about this development, and his diagnosis? What is on your mind?

To be honest, I'm not sure. I'm a bit anxious and my overthinking mode is activated again. :D I'm happy that he managed to unblock me without me making any effort like before (although I tried a lot to make him talk about what's happened during these two months, but I've been quiet recently).

And I'm confused. Last time we spoke, he believed there's nothing more to talk about and we've already talked a lot so that's the closure and there's no need for more talks. He kinda believed this everytime we talked. So I'm wondering what has made him think that there might be a need for a closure again that he felt a bit ready to give me one?

About his diagnosis, I'm not shocked. I already knew it actually. But now, many stuff make sense that I just considered them as him being hypersensitive. Like when he got really MAD over me for craving lemons, for using certain words, considering my tone "mad, angry, shouting" at him while it couldn't be interpreted like that, etc.

Bella,

   I hope you realize that you ARE stuck in this loop of his behaviors, as it happens over and over again.

   I know you have welcomed this, and I sense you may even see this as a positive re- development in your relationship with him.

   My question to you is, since you recognize this as a pattern between you and him, do you want to continually be hurt over and over again, each and every time he does this to you?

   If the answer is 'no'; then, what can you do to change this dynamic?

   Being mindful, that you cannot fix him -- so that leaves what can you fix about yourself to prevent the hurt and pain that you have been experiencing for the past two months?

   What are your thoughts on this?

SD

My dear SaltyDawg, I actually came here to write an update on the situation when I saw your post.

The update is, he texted me offering help for an exam I'm going to take, "as I had helped him with it before" (though I didn't help him back then and he managed it himself). I didn't open his message until today morning, and he deleted it but I answered anyway. He asked about the exam's date, and wished me luck.

Considering this, what I was going to tell was that I'm not sure if this loop will be back or it's broken. I can't still figure it out. Maybe he's not willing to contact me further and bring the relationship back after two months, or maybe he is. I can't be sure. But I've decided on something:

If he manages to come back, I'm going to accept on some conditions. I'm not making excuses for him this time and lowering my expectations for him. And if he doesn't come back, well, I'll be going on the path I am now. I've done this for two months, and probably I can do it more.

"Conditions" - that sounds like a boundary.  Boundaries are 'good'.

Whatever boundary or condition that you chose for yourself, make sure the boundary is a solid one - one that he cannot break down, or bend you to do something to 'lower your expectation' for yourself in order to accommodate him.  The boundary should be something that you do, if he isn't treating you 'right'. 

I do like your outlook if he doesn't come back you have come to the realization that you do this without him - you got this.  I think you have a lot of resilience and strength to stand up for yourself.

Take care with self-care.

To be honest, I'm not sure what boundaries are rational and effective. I don't want to put pressure on him and on my self as we're both dealing with many issues in our lives, so I want our probable relationship to be flexible.

But on the other hand, I don't want to have zero control over what's happening. He said once that he was forced to be with me and couldn't leave, but he had complete power to leave whenever he felt to, in a brief moment, without even considering that it was 3am, we were tired, I had an awful day, he was tired, etc. He had freedom to do whatever he wanted to the relationship and I had to accept what he thinks and decides without having an active role. I don't want this to happen again.
I don't mean that people are not supposed to leave without their partner's permission; that's what happens in toxic relationships. But I don't want to be left only because I said something like "savoury" instead of "delicious", or because he just decided to, in silence without even talking about it.
I can deal with tantrums. I can deal with anger outbursts. He makes up for it and tries to not to act like that again. Maybe he's not 100% successful yet, but I could see that he's trying his best even in this break up. Especially with him knowing that he's somewhere on the autism spectrum, now he might probably know that it wasn't "me" who was the problem, neither he was, we should've just learned each other's languages.
The only thing that I can't tolerate anymore is being left, powerless in my own relationship being forced to accept what I wasn't allowed to even discuss.

I don't know how can I create a boundary for this matter and even if a boundary means something at all in this case.


I hope I really have that resilience and strength that you mentioned. Because even though I'm trying to think rational, my deepest desire is to have this person back and unfortunately I've gained slightly more hope after these four texts he sent, also more stress. (There's a phrase for this feeling I have in my mother tongue, which describes a state in which a person is waiting hopefully for something to happen with stress and irritation- I don't know the synonym in English)

After writing you about what I want as boundaries, I realized how much I still love him and want him back. I haven't lost that realistic pov though.

To be honest, I'm not sure what boundaries are rational and effective.

There is a section on Boundaries here:  https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

But on the other hand, I don't want to have zero control over what's happening.

I am going to be very direct.  Specifically, what control do you want over what is happening to you with him?  This answer you come up, for you, is where you should come up with a suitable boundary to enforce.  You deserve to be treated better than an on/off relationship where he ghosts you.  Only you know your situation the best in which you are in. 


I don't mean that people are not supposed to leave without their partner's permission; that's what happens in toxic relationships. But I don't want to be left only because I said something like "savoury" instead of "delicious", or because he just decided to, in silence without even talking about it.

That is a tricky thing to set a boundary on to maintain a relationship, I really cannot think of specific examples of this.  Being ghosted because you said an incorrect word is a form of stonewalling.  If you Google "how to set a boundary on stonewalling partner" you will get a variety of suggestions; however, based on what you have expressed these may not be what you are looking for.


I can deal with tantrums. I can deal with anger outbursts. He makes up for it and tries to not to act like that again. Maybe he's not 100% successful yet, but I could see that he's trying his best even in this break up.

I know it is not an issue for you; however, it was for me this is where I set a boundary on my uBPDw.  I would not talk to her, and go gray rock (do not JADE) when she was this way which is a form of stonewalling towards my partner.  She didn't like it. 

Stonewalling is perhaps one of the more powerful psychological behaviors that can be used for both bad and good.  However, your partner seems to enjoy the stonewalling of your emotions - you might want to explore and ask him why he does this to you, when he is not triggered? 


The only thing that I can't tolerate anymore is being left, powerless in my own relationship being forced to accept what I wasn't allowed to even discuss.

I hear you, and this is extremely frustrating and unfair to you.  You deserve better.


After writing you about what I want as boundaries, I realized how much I still love him and want him back. I haven't lost that realistic pov though.

4 texts is a very small number of texts to pin the hopes of having him come back into your life the way you want him to.  Do you think he is emotionally unavailable?

I am going to give you a hypothetical situation - If you had a girlfriend of yours who was being treated in the same manner with her partner as you are with yours - what would you recommend that your girlfriend do with her partner?  Why?

While you are contemplating my most recent set of questions, be sure to do some self-care, whatever that may look like for you.

Take cafe with self-care.

The funny thing is that, when you told me setting boundaries is a tricky thing to do in a relationship, I remembered that my partner actually and actively wanted me to do so, when he was in his rational state of mind. I even tried a few times and it worked really well, until things got worse and harder these last days and out of hand, and I was too shocked and tense to act on time and maintain my boundaries; I was overwhelmed with the fear of losing him. Maybe if I maintained my boundaries, things would have been different now. I know he blames himself so much for the way he treats (treated) me and he has said this many times in the past in different ways. And I know he tries to make up an excuse for his behavior: "I don't love you and I'm forced to stay with you so I hurt you".

4 texts are indeed very small amount of stuff to rely on for having more hope as you said. The reason I have more hope is that I compare his behavior to previous break ups, and considering the fact that I know he would keep me blocked if he RATIONALLY wanted me out of his life. Probably. But exactly as you said, this very very small amount of communication and the length of the break up this time also makes me doubt about it. And yes, I think he's kinda emotionally unavailable. He was like this before our break up, some days before. It was like he was holding back something. Some emotions and feelings. And he was making himself distant.

In the previous break up which lasted 22 days, finally we got to talk on phone for a closure. He had his guards all up and I told him that I have no intention of convincing him to come back even if it's my desire, and I'm just telling him what I think. At the end of the talk, I could sense and hear that it was like that person I knew was slowly coming back, and he was letting his guards down as he said he'll think on the relationship again.
I don't know why I wrote all this; maybe just to make my mind more clear.

And for your last question; I think before this relationship I would tell my friends to just walk away from that partner, but now I don't think I would make suggestions this quick and decisive. I would probably only offer my support based on what they wanted, but I would suggest them to keep boundaries (or make) and do some self care, whatever it means to them. I would do so, because I know that life and relationships are much more complicated than to only say "they're toxic, you deserve better, move on girl, are you blind?!".

And by the way, I really appreciate your help, my dear SaltyDawg. :)

From your description, you have a 'fear of abandonment' as you have an 'overwhelming fear of losing him'.  This is a very big fear, I know I have it, when my uBPDw has threatened me with divorce countless times.  However, when I called my wife's bluff the last two times, she has stopped making these threats, as pwBPD have even a greater fear of abandonment.  Sometimes this is great, they will push those they love away from them before they can be abandoned themselves.  Correct me if I am wrong, but I know there is a physical boundary between you and him.  He is in Germany and you are in Turkey.  Is there any possibility of the two of you being together in the same country?  Why is there such a physical distance between you and him?  Does this distance make you feel safe?

You quoted him saying to you "I don't love you...so I hurt you".  I know this is painful, but I am going to ask you another question...  Why do you want to be with a person that deliberately hurts you?

You go on to say,
"he would keep me blocked if he RATIONALLY wanted me out of his life."
...
"he's kinda emotionally unavailable"
...
"he was making himself distant"

He did block you for a while, now you are unblocked, so the cycle has the potential to repeat...  Also, you indicate he is emotionally unavailable and distant.  This is what he has chosen to do to you - it would appear that he is trying to set a boundary.  How does this make you feel?  I am specifically asking how does it make you feel that he previously has blocked you AND he is emotionally unavailable and distant?  What kind of relationship is this for you?  Is this relationship healthy for you?  Why do you want to stay in a relationship like this?

You also said, "I would tell my friends to just walk away from that partner" followed by another  statement of "they're toxic, you deserve better, move on girl, are you blind?!".  I think you realize that I am asking you some thought provoking questions as to why you are still in a relationship, where your partner has essentially cut you off with his behaviors, yet you still hang on.  I think and feel that you do deserve better, yet I can also see you have strong emotions of empathy and the 'want,' or rather the 'need' to take care of him with his issues.  Why is that?

I do understand your life and this relationship is much more complicated, and I am offering my support to you.  He has the boundary of distance, he has also used the boundary of blocking you, and is emotionally distant and emotionally unavailable to you.  Other than being emotionally available, that would require him to reach out to you - what can you do so you don't continue to be hurt by him?  Is this the relationship you want with him?  If not, why not?  What can you do differently about it?

If he does open back up to you - what can you do differently so you aren't hurt emotionally when he inevitably will likely block you again and become emotionally distant?  So, I will ask you again, "what can you do to change this dynamic"?