BPDFamily.com

Hello all!

This is something that has come up several times with my uBPD partner.  I will bring something up about our relationship or more frequently some experience I have with her son that I need to discuss.  Her response will be "stop acting like a victim".  In my mind, I'm just relaying information or want to start a conversation.  For example, one time she had gotten very upset and threw an icepack toward my general direction.  It was night and the lights were out so she said that she wasn't trying to hit me but it caught me square on the side of the head.  The next day I tried to tell her that I was uncomfortable with her throwing things when she's upset and she said I was being a victim.

I'm not sure how to respond to this criticism.  She has said that, in the contexts of parenting, it's the way that I present the information that makes her feel like I'm tattling on her son, my step-son.  Any suggestions on how to handle this situation?

Thanks =)

I am going to be blunt here.  What she is doing is called "blame-shifting" where she is projecting and/or transferring her bad behavior on to you.  It is wrong, and not acceptable.  You are the victim (even if it doesn't feel like it), and she is the persecutor in the Karman Drama Triangle.

An icepick is a deadly weapon (at least the versions I know of, where there is a slender, sharpened steel rod attached to a handle) - if the sharp end enters your skull and is moved your brain is scrambled and your become incapacitated or dead - this behavior is absolutely not acceptable.

If she does this again, make sure you dial 911 (or the emergency number for you location) as assault with battery, or even attempted murder is not acceptable, and it is illegal.  Make sure you have video of the assault otherwise some jurisdictions will detain the man and not the woman if there are no witnesses and it is a case of "he said vs she said".  At best they will take your statement.  At worst, there will be an arrest, an order of protection (restraining order) may be ordered by a judge, and criminal charges brought.  If you are unwilling to do this, consider the text line I mention below (if you mention anyone under the age of 18 in the home they will also report).

Make sure you document this incident (and previous ones too, if applicable).  Perhaps visit the local police station and share exactly what happened here, that way they have a record of this.  Victims of DV (you are the victim here, and you need professional help) may have no say in the matter if charges are pressed against her, and all he11 will likely break loose once she is back home without the authorities.

Make sure you have a safety plan in place https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf as your safety comes first as do any children that you are responsible for and/or live with.

I recommend, if you are able to do the Mosaic Threat Assessment (law enforcement and DV shelters use this) which is free for the DV portions https://www.mosaicmethod.com/ it has 30 pages of questions and will give you a threat assessment on a scale of 1 to 10 (most will be 3 to 9 - my wife scored 8, which is high) along with a confidence index.

You could also make use of the Crisis Text Line by texting "HOME" to 741741 in the US and Canada or https://www.crisistextline.org/ anywhere where there is Internet.  This resource has trained people to talk to you 24/7 for this kind of behavior.

If you do not deal with this issue, it will most likely only get worse.  It did for me until our therapists intervened.  I didn't even think of myself as a victim until I was made aware of it in therapy.

Once this situation has stabilized, please make sure you do self-care.

Good luck, and I will pray for you.

The text number for Canada above is incorrect.  Here is the corrected number, and for other countries too...

US: Text 741741
CA: Text 686868
UK: Text 85258
Ireland: 50808

Thanks for the support everyone.  Luckily the "ice pack" was actually filled with barley (a novel way to have a reusable cold pack), so the impact wasn't too bad.  But I get the point.

This event happened quite some time ago and was very much an anomaly.  She's never done anything like this before or after.  But I get it.

I'm more concerned about the conversations we have had about difficulties in our relationship and co-parenting.  Maybe this isn't the right forum but it's the dismissiveness I get from her that is a problem.  Instead of talking about the issues she focuses on how I'm talking like a victim...

Sorry it was late in the morning, I misread 'ice pack' as 'ice pick'.  However, while it brings down the severity of DV down by a notch, it is still DV.  A good safety plan would be in order...

Shifting focus.  This is a good forum to talk about her dismissiveness and how she perceives that you are the perpetual victim.  Can you expand, and explain in detail with a specific example, and how she explains that you see yourself as a victim?

Holy cow, yes not "ice pick"...

Yes I do understand this is DV.  I don't take this lightly but I've decided to stick with this relationship and like I said nothing close to this has happened since.

Here's an example.  I went out to buy some wine one night for dinner at her request.  When I came back she was upset that I didn't buy two bottles instead of one.  I said that she was being overly critical.  She responded that I was sounding like a victim.

But mostly it has to do with my step-son who we co-parent.  I'll try to bring up a behavior I've seen that needs some consequence or I need advice on how to handle.  She'll accuse me of acting like a child tattling on him - again being a victim of some childish injustice.

I don't think I'm approaching her in a childish way but maybe I am.  Regardless, this poses a problem for our relationship and my parenting of my step-son.

I see two different dynamics going on here, one involving you, and the other her child.


A normal person would accept what you said.  However, if she has BPD, then she would perceive this as criticism, and as her emotions are amplified, a small slight like this would be interpreted as a big one and she would be ticked off for a few hours to a few days. 

When dealing with a borderline it is all about communication, and you need to address their feelings, not the facts.  Borderlines like being validated, so validate the valid (her feelings) but avoid validating the invalid.  Instead of saying something like she was "being overly critical" perhaps reword it to acknowledge (validate) her frustration that you didn't buy enough wine (even though you thought you did).  You will likely get a better response with something like "(wife pet name), when I was asked to get 'some wine', I bought a bottle and thought that would be enough.  Being mindful that I am not a mind reader, I did not realize you had meant two bottles of wine.  The next time you ask me to pick up 'some wine', I will pick up two bottles instead." 

The easiest way to communicate is using "I" statements, if you go back to the example I gave, you will notice I avoided the word "you" which has an accusatory tone (criticism).  This is the easiest way to communicate with a person who has issues.



90% of borderline mothers see their children as an extension of themselves.  If you attack him, you are attacking her.  Again, focus on the feelings, and not the facts.  While it is important to properly discipline a child in an age appropriate way - I agree with you.  You may want to 'pick your battles' carefully here.  If it is a matter of not doing a chore like washing the dishes (let several days pile up until she notices) with no long term consequences (short term are the smell of rotting food, and perhaps attracting vermin/bugs), let his mom notice, and let the mom do the discipline, if mom asks you to help, but if she doesn't 'stay out' only do ask she asks.  However, if it is something that does affect you, like stealing money from your wallet, make sure you have irrefutable proof (e.g. video).  If it is a matter of what he said vs what you said, she will almost always take the side of her son unless he readily admits to it or she saw it.  If this continues to be an issue, you may want to obtain some family therapy from a licensed therapist in this area.

Fortunately with my wife, we are pretty much unified in how to handle our children.  However, with my exgf (25 years ago) this was not the case.

Hope this helps.

Thanks @SaltyDawg

This is helpful.  I have noticed that I need to be very careful about criticisms with her as she doesn't react to it well.  I noticed this early on in our relationship.  I would try to use the skills I learned in other relationships of presenting things in a non accusatory way regarding something that was an issue for me and then talking through it.  But most of the time she would turn it back on me.

She is very protective of her son.  What makes things difficult is that he's been exhibiting traits of oppositional defiant disorder.  So he can be a very difficult kid to parent.  I have learned to be a somewhat effective parent with him but sometimes he gets under my skin, sadly.  When that happens I'd like to be able to talk with my partner about the situation but she usually sees it as a "me" problem.  "You are the adult in the room...".  I think there's some truth to that statement but it would be nice if I got more support from her.



 

My uBPD/uNPDexgf, a widow, had a son (not mine) with a diagnosis of ODD.  My own son with my uBPD/uOCPDw had traits of ODD as described by his individual T.  Seems like a very common theme ODD, if left untreated may become BPD once they are old enough to diagnose.  So, do pay attention to his emotional development and be as interactive as you can in his life.

I feel for you, I really do as I have been in your shoes and it hurts to see children being negatively affected by parents who are dysfunctional/disordered.  While my wife has said 'adult in the room' comment many times to me, ironically the exgf was relieved I was there to handle the ODD with firm boundaries as she was at her wits end with him on several occasions and couldn't handle him.

My suggestion is to model good behavior for him (and her too), set boundaries that you can enforce for yourself (e.g. If SS misbehaves, step out and not do what he wants if he has poor choices in behavior).

Take care, with self-care.

She's saying this as a defense, when she feels you've struck a nerve.

People that have difficulty with criticism often have a sort of default defensive posture they take. My mother rarely does this, but sometimes she can get critical about me in ways that push my buttons, and when I tell her to knock it off, she pushes harder. Every time. Without fail. If you ever laid into my dad, you'd get nervous laughter.

The fact that she uses the "you're acting like a victim" line around two really sensitive subjects, the subject of her throwing an ice pack, and what sounds like perceived criticism of her son (which might feel like criticism of her), tells you all you need to know. You're striking a nerve, and it's her way of throwing it back at you.

And of course, it's a pretty invalidating reflex  :(

Delivery with the communication tools, and personal knowledge of your wife can help with this sort of thing, "the difficult stuff", but the charge isn't criticism that you need to respond to so much as her defensive way of saying "back off".