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Title: Separation Post by: @Chata on November 04, 2023, 06:54:02 PM Hello:
My husband of 30 years has just been diagnosed with BPD and depression. I am broken, worn out and we are now separated. He has been verbally, emotionally and p hysically abusive to me for many, many years. He is seeking treatment but I just don't trust him and can no longer be his punching bag. I feel horrible and guilty. I am not his therapist and can't fix him. I need to take care of myself. I will be seeking divorce in the future. Can anyone give me some advice? I'm lost... Title: Re: Separation Post by: Tangled mangled on November 05, 2023, 02:20:31 AM @Cheta,
Sounds like you have walked through hell, glad you found this site as most of us have been through this nightmare! I’m still going through divorce with an undiagnosed BPD male, so know how it feels to be lost: My advice on steps to help yourself will be: 1) Your safety: are you physically safe where you live? Does your husband have access to your home? I can imagine he doesn’t since you are separated 2) Your emotional safety: You mentioned he is receiving treatment but you don’t trust him. It makes sense that you don’t trust him after all you have been through. One way I stayed safe towards the end was not doubting myself and second guessing what was going on. It’s difficult to stay grounded in reality: what I said to myself was, if he’s physically abusive or shows signs he might be then the police must be involved, I through that way of thinking all the domestic violence organisations got involved. In your case there’s historical abuse and a current situation, is there a restraining order to keep you safe? 3) Decisions to end the marriage: You mentioned separation but you have doubts anything will improve with your husband’s behaviour. Bpd is treatable but not curable and the pwBPD has to be willing to engage in years of intense therapy to see any meaningful improvements. It’s not a decision that you make for him he has to do this himself. You have been married 3decades already, I can imagine you are feeling lost because it’s nearly half your life you have been together and there’s a lot to consider- eg house, car, health, insurance etc , there’s a lot untangle. Give yourself the permission to make this decision for yourself alone. YOU come first and it doesn’t matter what anyone else says about this . If you don’t see yourself going back to the marriage, that’s all you need to focus on. Take little steps to reach that goal of ending the marriage if that’s what you need. There will be pushback from him especially but remember again YOU come first. I started the process of ending my 10 year marriage by engaging domestic violence organisations and receiving advice from them- it kept me grounded in the reality of what was going on not the distorted reality of my husband - and how he can get better and how he never did anything wrong. His gaslighting! I stopped sharing any information with my pwBpd and worked towards separating the household even though we still lived together in the same home with 2 children . Separate bedrooms, cooking, laundry , finances, insurance. Cancelled any jointly financed arrangements eg the car , and life insurance etc. Doing everything without explanations. Planning financially- saved up enough to fund rent for 6 months upfront through ( even credit card) . I had to leave, because towards the end the abuse intensified . I’m sure other members will be here with advice. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I see you and hear you. Take care of yourself, it’s very important at this time, seek medical attention for your mental health, anti depressants helped me. Title: Re: Separation Post by: @Chata on November 05, 2023, 12:59:22 PM Aww, thank you for your reply. I have moved out and am safe. This journey has been so strange. I always knew something was right; the control, immaturity, oversharing, inappropriate behavior, verbal , emotional and the start of physical abuse, not being able to keep beautiful friends, no relationship with his family and he started isolating me from mine.
Our daughter passed away 6 yrs ago and he slipped into severe depression and so angry. I had to take care of my son, my husband and work. Because of my husband and my worries I never grieved enough for my daughter. I begged him for so many years to access mental health, but is was always my problem. I was the problem. I have an incredible therapist, wonderful, supportive friends and family. I WILL get through this nightmare. The saddest part is when my husband was well he was caring, kind, generous and a good father. He encountered years of abuse as a child and its heart breaking but he is a 60 year old man that needs to be accountable for his behavior. |