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Title: Adult daughter BPD just feeling done Post by: RRRJCCCN on November 06, 2023, 08:24:39 AM Hi,
Just venting. I feel like the worst mom, but I am sixty, she is thirty, and I just feel done. I know many of the recommended techniques for dealing with BPD and a fair amount about BPD, but I am just done. I have started firmly correcting false statements and pushing back on some of the stuff she says. She lives in another state so it is all on the phone. I decided when I realized that I dreaded every phone call or her infrequent trips to visit family that I couldn’t make things much worse by standing up for myself and treating her a bit more like a toxic co-worker or acquaintance. It probably won’t make things better but at least I don’t spend an hour on the phone listening to her re-write past happenings, chew me out for things I have done wrong that I didn’t know were “wrong”, or ramble about her pain and hurt for an hour at thee A.M. when I have to get up at 6. Thanks for letting me vent. I’m formulating a question in my mind I want to ask, in a bit. Title: Re: Adult daughter BPD just feeling done Post by: kells76 on November 06, 2023, 12:07:03 PM Hi again RRRJCCCN -- looks like I found your intro!
These are the hardest relationships. You've tried many approaches already, I'm sure. This is not easy. In the past, how did you approach the phone conversations when she would make false statements? What happens now, as you're trying this different approach? I get what you're saying about "okay, how much worse would it really be, if I tried something different?" I hope that can be freeing to you, to try something that is healthier, without the fear of "what if... what if... what if...". It is okay to decline to stick around on a phone call when there is verbal abuse and/or false statements happening. We aren't required to participate in being a target. In fact, in a way, it can be more loving to your child to decline to be a target (of course, every situation is different). One of the "nicest" things about having boundaries (i.e., decisions about what we will allow into our lives, based on our values) is that we don't need to explain or announce our boundaries to other people. We are allowed to "just do" our boundaries. Maybe you're already doing this on the phone calls -- if she starts in on falsehoods or abuse, you would be allowed to say "I'm hanging up now, talk with you later" without having to "make her understand" by explaining "I'm hanging up because you're being abusive". It is okay for you to decline to listen for 3 hours when you have your own life to live. You can decide for yourself an amount of time to listen that works for you -- maybe 15 minutes, maybe 45 minutes, maybe 5 minutes -- and then say "I'm heading to bed, talk with you later". In fact, this too can be a gift to give her -- giving her an opportunity to soothe herself instead of depending on others. You can be part of helping her build self-regulation skills, by ending the phone calls earlier |iiii ... As you settle in, feel free to check out our section of Tools and Skills workshops (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0) -- the one on boundaries definitely comes to mind. Glad you're here; kells76 Title: Re: Adult daughter BPD just feeling done Post by: RRRJCCCN on November 07, 2023, 09:27:20 AM Thank you for your encouragement!
I was pretty low yesterday! |