BPDFamily.com

No reason for this other to than to get it out of my head. Some days, many days, these words haunt me. When I look at them I'm shocked, and wonder how someone who says they love you can say them. Which helps me put things in context. Perhaps this will help others. No responses expected or needed.

You:

are a PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ty businessman!
are a PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ty driver!
are a PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ty marketer!
dress like a slob!
are a child!
eat PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ty food!
are a fraud wellness professional!
don't take part in popular culture!
don't even follow Megan Markle!
sit around all day at coffee shops!
don't understand my life!
don't ever cook!
are a PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ty writer!
are worthless in a grocery store!
are just trying to cover your ass! (for asking for the shopping list to help her)
are just trying to start a fight!
contribute nothing to the community!
have no friends!
put no time and effort into my birthday! gave me the worst birthday ever! (says the person who forgot my birthday 5 weeks earlier while I watched her dog for free for 3 weeks, bought $30 worth of food for her dog, and she told me she looked up her ex bf's address and would visit him on her trip)
your birthday/christmas gifts are PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ty and stupid
need mental health help!
are controlling!
don't listen to me!
are a plagiarist!

and

What, are you wearing old man underwear now? (as I stand there mostly naked)
None of my friends have even heard of your business!
I'm worried about your memory (very early on)
you want to be the kind of person that doesn't read books? (I have huge library of books; I didn't have a library card because I like to own books)
some observer you are!
I need_____, I need_______, I need______, I need_______
your friend is a pompous ass
when you post that stuff it makes you look bad, don't you want people to respect your Ph.D.?
It would take me longer to fix what you did than to just do it myself

and

I'm going to have a party for you to meet my friends and clients. NO, why would I want to be around those people?
Would you like to go for a bike ride with me? NO you'll just go ahead and leave me
There's a new brewpub open near you, let's go. NO...I don't like brewpubs
Let's go to my hometown together so you can see where I grew up. NO...why would I want to go there, you haven't made it sound very fun
Come to a class at my business. NO...I don't like that exercise
Come to a social at my business. NO...I don't want to be 'the girlfriend that everyone looks at'
Would you like me to drive? I'd be happy to take over driving. That's PATRONIZING!
I saw you bullPLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ting my Dad! (when I told him I couldn't join them for dinner since I had an event at my business)
Oh yeah, some event! Some stupid ______ class!

Haven’t post here in years. Don’t know why I even wanted to revisit the Hell that that your post is like to live with.
   Lived it for two decades. Recovered from it about after five years.  Longer you stay the longer you pay.

You will burn down the house

Seems like a popular accusation

You are after me for my money

I like this one

You were with me because you don’t want to be abandoned

I think I did ok because not once in all the years did she said anything horrible to me.

Maybe a few times

That’s quiet borderlines

They save it all up to hammer you at the last moment

That might have been a bit of projection

Bit scared about burning the house down

Was that a projection

Was she ever that angry she wanted to do that

Possibly

There's one comment I'm going to post below that my BPD ex-wife made to me on more than one occasion that still stands out to this day over 10 years later. It really hurt at the time when she said it. Now I can look back at it and laugh. To this day, she is still heavily supported financially by her parents, as they pay a lot of her bills, including the mortgage on the house that she lives in. She is over the age of 40.

"You are so stupid. Remember, I'm the one with the degree (college)."

Someone needs to point out to her that her college degree didn't help her out as much as she thinks that it did.  :)

Oh the things she said that hurt. That list I made above was on a bad day when all of it was running around my head. And it wasn't even a full list, there are many more. I posted it so that others could also reflect on it to see if they hear things like this in their relationships. I know that when I was new to the boards, seeing that others had experienced these awful things helped me feel less alone.

My ex is just like yours. I have doctorate, and she would constantly talk down to me, even in the area of my doctorate, as if she knew more than me!

My ex lives in a house she 'bought' with money from the divorce, and she 'works' at her own little at-home business that has one (1) client.

And she would tell me how busy she is and how I don't understand her life, while her kid is at school all day. Meanwhile, I was working 7 days a week for 7 years at my business, meeting a big payroll and paying a huge rent and doing the thousand other things a physical business requires.

And, surprise surprise, her parents send her a great deal of money every month to pay for the house and her kid's very expensive school and her bills. And, she frequently goes on vacations abroad, on their money of course. And then absolutely tears me apart when I struggled to get the business covered and still functioning when she wanted to go out of country on a trip, when I also had to make 2 other big trips in the 3 month period. No worries about time off for her, no worries about paying for the trips for her.

The "shi**y businessman" attack came when I told her I couldn't do the trip because my employees weren't able to rearrange everything in their lives in order to allow the business to be fully operational while I was gone. She rejected out of hand my suggestion that we do an easier 3-day trip closer by, saying "don't you dare suggest and alternative".

Then, when I finally said 'no', she told me I should just shut down the business for a week then, so I could go. Talk about a PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ty businessman, sure shut down your business and lose all the revenue for a week, piss off your customers, deny your employees their pay they need to meet their rents and bills....

Question, to everyone that's posted so far.  How many of those things are true?

Quick story.  My half-brother and I have the same dad, different moms.  And we had no idea about each other until maybe 5 years ago.  I found him on a DNA site and learned that he was homeless in Florida with a rap sheet about a mile long, mostly from marijuana possession. 

Anyway, I got him off the streets, brought him up here and helped him turn his life around.  But one thing kept driving me crazy.  If anyone said something off-handed to him, he was ready to beat them to a pulp.  His face would turn red, his eyes would bulge out, and he'd visibly shake from being so angry.  Normally he's a good guy, very laid back and passive.  But he's been in jail so much, he takes "fighting words" seriously and springs into action.

I finally asked him one day, "Why are you so angry?"  And he replied, "What do you mean?  Didn't you hear what they said?!?"

Yup, I heard.  And I asked him what I just asked you guys- was what they said true?  And of course my brother ranted, "Heck no that's not true, you know that..."

So I asked him the million dollar question.  "If it's not true, then why are you letting someone manipulate you into anger, sadness, or even violence?  Why are you giving power to their words?"

At first, my brother couldn't understand.  He'd say, "But they said that horrible thing, they deserve to be..."

And I'd cut him off, because he couldn't see that by losing his cool over something someone said, it's giving their words power.  It's bringing them to life and validating them.  Why would anyone do that...especially if the words weren't actually true.

The way to deal with false accusations is simple; you laugh in the person's face and walk away.  Let them get angry, let them rage, while you leave the conversation with all the power.  There's no reason to acknowledge something that's untrue, especially if it's coming from someone with mental illness. People like that don't deserve space in your mind.

When my wife left about 15 months ago, she said some horrific things that cut me to the core.  But to be honest, I can't tell you what they were...because I let them go.  I refuse to validate that stuff any longer and hopefully you can as well.

Yes let them go but some of them are strangely funny

For example “are you stalking me”

As soon as she said that I knew she was cheating

It was such a bizarre thing to say

Why would you think that.

Dead give away

She was being really horrible to me

I said I do not like this person

I kid you not in a second she changed back to the other person

The facade

In a second

Her face changed, her voice changed,

The way I spoke to her changed

Trigger was she wasn’t going to be “liked”

Being liked is far more important

I saw photos of her online and she looked like misery

I could hardly recognise her

She looked like she sucked up misery from people around her

The woman sitting next to her looked miserable also

I thought we’ll if I kept her in a space where never in all those years did she say anything to me which was derogatory

Never did I see her look like a ball of misery

I must have done something right

“I never said that”.
  Me. “You just said that”
  “ You don’t  even know what I just said”.
   Ahhhh….. why am I here on this site. I’m free!!!
    But damaged. And older.
     Years ago when I still went to my favorite therapist and I wasn’t a total basket case I said I was afraid of getting in a relationship agin because of their baggage. He said “well at your age everyone is gonna have baggage”.
     Took me a couple years to see the true meaning of those words. I got some baggage and I keep it with me everyday.
    But to be in a “relationship” where someone can manipulate is out anymore. Been there at a scary level.

Easier said that done, but better yourself, and try to hang around positive people.  I am sure that most of us ended up with a partner with BPD due to self-esteem problems, or a bad upbringing where we are accustomed to chaos.

Just be glad you are out of the relationship and she is gone. I know how it feels, as I finally escaped after arguably the worst 3 years of my life, and in some ways it still is traumatic to look back.  Remember, life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we deal with it.

Good luck.

Goosey. I'm glad the post served it dual purpose. That day the words were banging around in my head and I needed to write them out. And I've come back to look at them several times-not to wallow in them, but to see them with fresh eyes so they can be seen for what they are- verbal abuse, signs of a damaging person, someone incapable of love. AND it reminded you of what you successfully got out of.

Hey Jaded.
   I still can feel the pull to wallow at times.
Somewhere I read I am allowed to give those thoughts 30 seconds of my day then that’s it.