BPDFamily.com

I just came to the realization, with help from a family friend and my psychotherapist that my daughter probably has BPD. It feels like it's a very long story and I don't really know when it started, but I feel like I should have known sooner.
She's 27 now and we've been through a lot since she was 12.
Her dad left and we had to sell our house and moved 3 times. She had to change schools twice when she was in high school. From what she's told me, she started hard drugs when she was about 16. When she was barely 18, she left home because she didn't like the rules. I was able to emotionally disconnect myself from her pretty successfully. She had a bf and friends and her dad at the time and she didn't want my help or opinions.
Her dad recently died of pancreatic cancer. She took time off to help take care of him and was submitted to some real emotional and mental abuse by her step-mom. The way she tells it, her step-mom never liked her and even resented her. She tried living with them a couple of times and couldn't stand the constant put-downs and negativity that they responded to her with.
Shortly after her dad died, her 4 year relationship ended and she had to move out due to abuse.
She stayed with me for 2 months and then found an apartment that is about an hour away from me. That makes things tricky if I want to help her, but is probably a mixed blessing.
She had been driving her bf's car, and making the loan payments to the bank for about 2 years, but when she left, he reported it stolen. Big surprise! We had tried to get him to take money for it and sign it over to her, but there was no control in that. She had gone back to work at this point, but was left without a car for a few weeks. Like the "great mom" that I am, I started car shopping for her. I knew she had no money and we were looking for the cheapest thing we could find, with the understanding that she would pay me back what she could. She says now that I told her she didn't have to pay me back, but she "insists" that she should.
It was difficult to find something reasonably priced that wouldn't fall apart in a month. During that time, she called and texted me incessantly asking what was taking so long and asking when she was getting a car. When we finally found one for her, she was mad because we didn't let her choose which one she wanted.
The final straw for me was the day she was scheduled to come pick up the car. My husband had fixed a couple of things in the car and given it a really good clean up so that it would be "nice for her". She called me that morning to say she had called in sick and that she had covid. I told her she couldn't come. I couldn't chance spreading it to my elderly parents and I had just gotten over it a couple weeks before.
She LOST it. Then she said that the test was a false positive and that she did a second test and it was negative.
Then, she called me crying that she didn't feel well and she thought she needed to call an ambulance. I was fully supportive and she said she would call me back.
When she called me back, she was still crying and saying she didn't know what to do and IN THE SAME SENTENCE, said "can I come get my car now?" She sounded like someone completely different.....I was beyond shocked. I didn't even know how to respond. Thankfully, my sister was sitting right beside me and had heard the conversation or I would have thought I was losing my mind.
Since then I have tried very hard to be here for her without really approaching her myself. I'm trying to stay objective, but being her mother makes that almost impossible. I keep thinking that she has no one else and worrying that she might do something to hurt herself. If she calls, I listen. I try not to judge. I try to be sympathetic. I don't know what else to do until I can confront her with my suspicions. I don't know how I'm going to say it, but I know someone needs to tell her to get help.
Any advice from other parents dealing with this would be greatly appreciated.
I'm not sure what else I can do to help her, or if I even am helping.

Not sure I can give good advice, but your sentence about being glad that your sister heard the conversation or you would think you are crazy resonates with me. I don’t know if anyone other than me and my daughter’s husband is ever subject to her rants, anger, bizarre accusations. It’s crazy making.
When you try to tell others what was said, you realize you sound crazy!
Know you aren’t. Continue seeking info and take care of yourself. There seems to be a lot of good, practical advice here and many that know what you are going through!
Take care of yourself!

Hi prettypictures and welcome to the boards  :hi:

What RRRJCCN said makes sense -- it can be so validating when someone else says "Yes, I see it too." I'm glad your sister could be there for you.

The car experience sounds like it cemented for you that your D27 is dealing with issues beyond just "launching" or "adulting". There is something serious at play, and as you reflect back on your family history, pieces are falling into place for you.

Parenting is full of regret, there's no way around that. One thing you'll read here sometimes is "when we know better, we do better". We didn't know back then the best way to love our children, but we can learn new ways and move forward differently.

I think I'm reading you correctly that this:


means telling her that you suspect she may have BPD? Did I get that right?

What would be your biggest hope, the most ideal outcome, if you were to have that conversation?