BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone, I'm here hoping I will find some answers and support.

I'm really thankful for anyone willing to help.

Long story short.

I recently breakup with my ex gf. It happened already last year and we eventually got back together after a few months. But this time she was categorically excluding any chances. From my side instead there is much more awareness on myself and about her and her condition, and I'm 100% willing to work on it.

She is now dating one of her ex boyfriend (a messed up guy as she always told me).
Anyway, we didn't talk so much for about 4 months. She was texting me sometimes and every time then started blaming again for something. After dating someone else, I realized how much I missed her, and I texted her again. Initially she responded very well, but then the drama restarted again out of the blue and she started accusing me of being pushy to come back together (which was not true) and blaming me again for 1000 things.

This time I wasn't used anymore to how to deal with this kind of situation, and I ended up offending her due to extreme frustration. She now blocked me everywhere, and deleted her Instagram posts. I tried to reach her again apologizing, sending her some songs and telling her how much this hurts (I tried to speak with her around 3/4 times and sent  her 4/5 songs during the following weeks), but she never replied.

I was so desperate and concerned about her, that I tried to contact one of her friend hoping for help, but she didn't reply and eventually told her I did text her (I just said: "Hi X, how are you?", and nothing else). And my ex texted me that if I ever contact her again she will go to the police.
I didn't write her anymore since then but I'm struggling so badly to cope with this situation. Our previous relationship was messed up for various reasons, so she is not wrong about that and I don't want to go back to that situation.

I was extremely sick for other reasons (long covid, brain fog, fatigue, loss of memory, depression, etc..) and going through a lot in my own life. I tried to explain everything to her many times, but she always took this like a lack of love or something and never tried to help me. Because of this reason she was really frustrated and eventually DEVALUATED me as someone not worthy her love.

The thing is that she did that with "that guy" and I'm a totally different person. I'm struggling to make her understand that I'm not the person she perceive because my behavior was highly influenced by the illness and the miserable life I was forced to live. (I'm fully aware about how much it impacted on her life and our relationship, and I'm really sorry about that but how can this be my fault?) It's like blaming a blind guy not being able to read.

Now since we broke up I'm doing my best to fix my own problems (health, finances, burnout, etc...) and recently started learning more about her illness, so I'm sure with more awareness and energy, I can better manage our relationship. I love her so much, and I'm so broken inside for this situation. And I just want to do something good for her.

What's the best way now to deal with this situation avoiding these 3 major issues?
1) Avoid that she feel hurt from me
2) Avoid to lose her or print in her mind a wrong image of myself forever
3) Avoid she turn mad and press charges or do something really bad

I'm really desperate I'm now talking with a psychologist to seek help on how to deal with her.
I never read before about BPD so now I've a bit more awareness about her condition and I think I can better manage a conversation.

What should I do now? Please advise.
1) Nothing, just wait if she eventually reach me back, otherwise move on and forget about her.
2) Wait for a while (like a 1/2/3 weeks), then text her again, apologizing for what I said (I feel very bad knowing how much it can hurt for a person with BPD) and saying I understand her and I'm open to listen when she will ever want to. Then do nothing until she will eventually reach out again.
3) Wait for a while (like a 1/2/3 weeks), then text her again, just asking how she is doing.
4) Wait till Christmas and send her a beautiful gift + a letter where I explain what I was going through during the past months, that lead to her frustration and the decision to break up with me (which ofc have reasons, but she used a stupid excuse, so I didn't understand in the beginning).

Please be aware that moving on for me it's really hard at this point.
I would just talk to her with my heart and find a solution.

Hello Ilpablo.

Welcome to the boards.

Wow. I can hear that you are carrying alot of sadness. And so I want to say that I'm sorry for what brought you here. AND I'm glad you found us.

You'll be heard here and seen here. We will help you because each of us has been right in that sadness too.

I'm going to read this carefully and write back to you later today?

Sound good?

Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev

Hi Rev!

Thanks you so much for taking the time to answer my post.

Yes it hurts so much and I feel she is hurts as well.

Probably I'm still more concerned about her feelings than mine.

And I really would do the right things and fix this situation with all my heart.

I'm looking forward to hear your advice...

Thanks!

Best,

Paolo

Hi again ....

For now - here are my first thoughts to your questions.  Below are you my answers to your questions:

What's the best way now to deal with this situation avoiding these 3 major issues?
1) Avoid that she feel hurt from me - Say things in as short a way as possible.  Here is the link to our communication tools: https://www.bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0  I would encourage you to see what you think might be useful and ask questions here about putting those tools into practice. 
2) Avoid to lose her or print in her mind a wrong image of myself forever The next answer is for number 2 and number 3:
 Unfortunately, if you are not living in the same home, there is very, very little you will be able to do.  Actually, right now, there is nothing you can do.  What you can do is get personal help to build up your sense of self confidence in order to not be affected as much.  In other words, reduce the suffering. This is a process that takes time, and you will see over time that as you gain this understanding and build new things into your life, the suffering becomes less. Right now you are in the worst of it - dealing with the pain of the loss. What does your therapist say?
3) Avoid she turn mad and press charges or do something really badSame answer as above.

I'm really desperate I'm now talking with a psychologist to seek help on how to deal with her.
I never read before about BPD so now I've a bit more awareness about her condition and I think I can better manage a conversation.

What should I do now? Please advise.
1) Nothing, just wait if she eventually reach me back, otherwise move on and forget about her.  I think this is the best one - maybe not so drastic as to forget about her - but definitely I would say let her make the next move. Perhaps take time to find some closure of this chapter in your relationship. Then if she comes back, you can move to a new chapter. Who knows, by then you may start to feel very different about the whole thing. All break-ups are hard and these ones are super hard, because so little makes sense. It can be tempting to try and fix things. And "fixing things" just makes it worse over time. 


That's my best at the moment. What do you think about the answers now that you have read them?  Do you have any new thoughts?

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

Hey Rev! Thanks for taking the time to answer my question.

I will definitely check these topics.

OMG I was so stupid and clueless I could deal myself with this situation without seeking help.

I really feel guilty about that but as I said I was in a very bad health and mental condition myself for many factors that worsen our relationship and my ability to think clearly and deal with this complicated personality.

The funny things is that now that I can have almost all the pieces of the puzzle, she doesn't want me to solve the puzzle anymore :((

What about the Christmas Gift + Lovely letter where I first say I now understand how she felt, I can go through every step of my personal journey and how could have impacted the relationship and her feelings + my new awareness / awaken about the situation and my commitment to her?

Last Christmas after we broke up it worked and she came back after a few months, but then I was at my worst with neurological issues that I never had before.

Things is that I tried to explain her many times but she never listened.

Maybe now I could do it better because again I'm more aware about how this impacted on her, about the illness and about what can / I want to do = work on myself and support her.

I know it's gonna be really hard, but I would try.

Do you think it's a bad idea, still better no contact at all?

I'm afraid this time she will never comeback since I hurt her by saying something unpleasant due to extreme frustration during our last argument (after apologizing 1000 times first, as usual ofc).

I would do this for myself and for her as well.

I don't want her to feel hurt because this stupid thing I said, as you know I acted just out of frustration and lack of clarity, I never wanted to really tell her something bad.

I would try to re-establish trust and validate her again as a person, telling how much I'm proud of her, and all the sincere nice things I feel and think about her.

Do you think it's a bad idea, still better no contact at all?

Personally I would wait.  Again, what does your therapist say?  Are you working on this in your sessions?

Remember this - you have many opportunities to wait before saying anything and only one opportunity to speak. So taking your time is prudent until your head gets clear.

What do you think?

Rev

Hi Rev, I just started today.

She didn't say anything yet because I talked for one hour to explain everything we went through.

I'll talk the therapist again on thursday.

I'm not sure she is specialized specifically for this condition, so I'll see what she say.

Eventually I ended up on this website: https://ajmahari.ca/about/

Have you ever heard about her?

Or do you know someone specialized for this kind of problems?

Anyway for now I'll just wait. I don't want to be pushy or perceived like this.

Actually I was just trying to be nice with her and everything was going smoothly, until she sent me a picture of myself with a paint on it, and I just replied "I missed your paints so much (with a final heart emoji)". And she got mad at me telling we are not together anymore, I don't understand this, and started listing all my issues for which she will never be back with me.

I then answered politely trying to explain myself, apologizing, etc... and she kept putting a bigger wall between us, until I finally became rude and told her to get back with her ex. I never did this before, but this time I probably forgot how to stay calm in this situation, like I always did.

Anyway, the Christmas letter is because I still have to wait for a month and a half.

Maybe she will text me in between, but I doubt it.

I'm seeing this like a good opportunity because I could talk to her (even if not directly), do something nice, and try to fix things and make her feeling better.

I think the most important thing for me now is knowing she is not feeling too bad.

Maybe it's just me being too much concerned about herself, but you know how you can feel in this situation... And at the same time I'm scared for myself because she threatened me to file against me and she never did that before.

Last year it worked, I sent her a letter and some gift, and she was happy about that.

But the situation was different, and I'm not sure it will work this time.

I really think she need a break from us now, so I'll respect it for sure, but at the same time I really think she need to understand what I would tell her to make her feel better about herself, about us and about me as well.

All the things that I'm learning about her illness and started making finally sense in my mind.

I should have Googled this before, much before!

I really don't know what to do now.

I'll keep learning every day and wait a bit.

My response is based on that one statement.

This is important.  She texted what she would do if you contacted her again.  She was very clear.  We can't tell you whether or not she will call the police but... you have been warned.  Reach out to her again at your own risk.  In other words, Don't!

No one can predict whether she will someday reach out to you.  For now you have to listen to her warning.

It is time to Let Go and Move On.  It is good you've reached out to a counselor.  Counseling will help you deal with the ended relationship and your own issues too, perhaps you are co-dependent?

Yes, I probably became co-dependant.

But if I'm not doing anything wrong, how can this end up badly?

How in the world someone can leave you broken inside like this and be allowed to do so, and you can't even send a lovely letter? It's not a direct contact, cuz I will not texting or calling.

Having all these beautiful things to say and not being able to do so it's devastating

These are all things that you will work out in therapy.

We can support you in that journey.  Go to therapy - ask all the hard questions - if you are recognizing co-dependency then you need to break free from that. Right now, your thinking is tied to a past dynamic as are your feelings. 

The work takes energy and will produce results. Forever Dad said it bluntly - Let Go. Find a way to move on.

Keep reaching out. We'll keep supporting you in the direction of changing your mindset.

Rev

Hi Rev, thanks again for your support.

This is what I tried to do in the beginning, but then the memories and feelings revamped so badly.

After she cut me off this last time I've got into an intese deep introspection and learning phase that I never done before. Now I'm more aware of everything and I'm probably more motivated than ever before to fix the situation.

I'm aware now I've my own issues and that all my issues played a big role into her suffering and breakup. So I feel guilty for that. I'm aware that in an healthy relationship this would never happen, since my gf is supposed to support and help me during my hard times.

But she is sick and very young, so I can't blame her for this.

Instead I keep blaming myself or the circumstances for what happened between us.

I've been through a lot of pain myself during my life, so that's why I feel so attached to her.

I consider myself as quite a strong person, since I endured so much pain since childhood.

But the covid lockdown + intense financial distress + ongoing long covid (brain fog, cronic pain, fatigue, insomnia) + depression + isolation + etc... broke me apart while we were together.

All of this happened right after we met, and I became the shadow of myself.

That's easy to understand how her ideal boyfriend (strong, confident and sexy), turned into an unlovable miserable heavy bag. I also probably did something wrong besides this that I didn't understand could have such bad impact on her at that time.

Now since we broke up, my mind is getting more clear little by little, and I'm figuring out everything.

She didn't do so badly considering all I mentioned.

Honestly I'm really proud of her in many ways. And this makes everything worse for me.

Because I understand why she is doing what she is doing, but she don't even try to understand my struggles at all.

I think she might have a mild form of BPD which is more manageable if I'm a full functioning person and now if she would ever let me talk again, we could be much better together.

I think we really loved each others. Even if she is dismissing her feelings for me now.

I felt her love, passion, and care when we were good to each other.

I still want to keep the hope.

If I will not be able to try at least once again with her, I will be forever broken inside.

I am sure about that.

it should be stated very clearly (it has, but bears repeating) that you are unfortunately not in a situation that presents a whole lot of options, in terms of things you can do to reach this person.

if someone has signaled they dont want to communicate, and then they take the step of blocking you, its important, not just from an emotional maturity standpoint, but in terms of what you are trying to achieve, to respect the walls they have put up. to not do so will push them away further.

where does that leave you? well, its not to say that there are no options at all, or that there isnt hope, but that, if you want to pursue this, your options are limited, and youve got to play your best hand with the cards youve been dealt.

one of the most important things in both reconnecting or detaching, is understanding what went wrong, what was broken about the relationship. if youre trying to reconnect, its important to understand how, if possible, its going to be resolved. to have a clear game plan for a very different looking relationship. if you decide to move on, its important to learn from. its a tall order to do; it took me years to really get a solid perspective of how my relationship broke down, and what might have helped. but if she came back to you tomorrow, and you went back to the same relationship, it would probably crash and burn quickly.

another is to work to get back to that emotionally centered, confident, upbeat, best version of yourself, the guy that attracted her to you in the first place. thats important which ever way this goes.

i know that may sound like theres not much you can do, at a time when every fiber of your being may be screaming to do or say something, and reach her (a good way to cope with that is by expressing it here), but theres actually a lot of work to be done, that you can be doing right now, that will give you better odds of success if she returns, or, help you to cope if you decide to move on.


AJ Mahari is not a therapist, and she would be considered an unconventional mental health resource.

here is a member discussion/review that includes her and others: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=317743.0

Thank you so much for your insight.

Yes I do agree with you. The thing is that what broken us apart was me becoming mentally unstable myself right after we met and thus not being able to handle this kind of complex relationship with the necessary strength and mental clarity.

I've got long covid, brain fog, fatigue, neurological problems, depression, burnout, social distancing, etc... I lost 10kgs since we met and spent thousands to find out a cure for my health issues.

If you reddit long covid you can better understand the hell people are going through.

Problem is I'm the more mature of the couple, we have a big age gap. And instead of leading as a man, I was dragging myself during the day on survival mode all the time. Every relationship would be hurt in this situation. She was somehow staying anyway, but she never really understood what I was going through and instead blaming me for being lazy, not attentive enough, etc...

And I was to focused and stressed by my own problems to care about her the way she need, and eventually we fell apart as a couple.

Now I was already in the process of healing myself and I tried to reach her with a more clear mind about what I want and what went wrong, but I wasn't already educated about BPD.

I googled after she threatened me because for the first time I felt she was kind of "surreal" and couldn't be just a childish temper or a bad attitude, rather then a mental health issue. Then I remembered she told me she was diagnosed with this illness long time ago, and started learning.

I'm super mad at myself I didn't do it before, but she seemed okay, she told me she was fine after her teenage and I thought everything was a bit weird but kinda okaysh.

I now have the will, the strength, the mental clarity, the feelings (once lost) and i'm learning about the illness, and also I'm taking time to understand why I failed apart of my illness.

Because the many things she is blaming me to do are mostly true, the thing is that in a healthy relationship we could talk about that and work this out together.

Instead we were JADEing all the time!

Now I know, and I would be probably be able to better manage the next argument.

I'm so sad. I love her so much. She has been my world for 3 years. She got the worst out of me and now she will remember me like that all her life. And I will feel empty and broken forever if I can't tell her what I feel, listen her like I never did before, and work things out the right way

What are the options I left with in your opinion?

I was thinking to send her a letter for Christmas with a Gift, since last year worked so well.

But anyone else is telling me not to do so because she threatened me already

I'm sleeping 4 hours a night and I'm spending like half of my days reading, learning and taking notes of all the topics here in bdpfamily.

And I don't even know if I will ever talk to her anymore.

If she only knew what I'm doing for her

Take care of yourself.  Continue with your counseling sessions.

If you're not getting enough sleep and are distressed in other ways then you're not ready to resume this relationship.  for now the reality is that it all comes back to this... she said No.

Do you recall what the airline staff says at the start of every flight?  "Put on your own oxygen mask first before trying to help others."

Yes I'm very aware of all of this.

I just want to talk to her, I think I'm not ready yet to re-engage in a relationship.

I just wanted to reconnect with her and she misunderstood my intentions, got mad and cut me off.

I would just show I care and I now I'm more sympathetic towards her feelings (she was always complaining about that and honestly I never got it till now).

Would I be correct is reading that you are wanting some kind of closure?

I've been thinking deeply about the whole situation.

Honestly, I think she is right about many things.

I feel so guilty for not understanding before.

But I was having hard times on my own and she wasn't expressing her needs the right way.

I understand we can't just go back to were we have been till now.

We can use it to learn and grow together, and don't repeat the same mistakes ever again.

I think we must start a brand new relationship, based on values, feelings, honesty, being compassionate to each others, mutual understanding and support.

It's the first time in my life I'm thinking this way and I'm putting all this effort into understanding my mistakes and the other person. Now I have to find the right way to communicate with her.

She think I'm evil and she told me she never want me back because she think the damage can be undone. I think we can work this out. I think first step is to do something good and lovely and touching and make her understand that I'm now where she always wanted me to be.

Then re-establish a connection, and working together on rebuilding trust and engagement.

I know I'll have hard time to reverse the black into white again.

I'm ready to face it and do my best to succeed.

Please help me my dear friends!

I need so desperately to solve this beautiful/painful/complicated puzzle

I was going through this thread I didn't see before. But when I read this sentence, it stood out to me.


Well, of course, you are always allowed to write a lovely letter. Just writing a letter quite often already helps. However, if someone directly told you they don't want contact, actually sending it would be a clear no-no. Always remember, consent is key, no matter what happened before.


In other words, a lot of BPD is about pwBPDs having a hard time respecting boundaries. But boundaries are a two-way street. If we want to show others healthy boundaries, we have to enforce ours and respect theirs. We cannot have one without the other.

I don't want to look stubborn or something like this.

I really understand the point.

But love is something strange.

Sometimes they push you back and you have to do something to prove them otherwise.

I know this sentence is my death sentence but it's just a misunderstanding and I would explain myself at least. Then she is free to ignore me for the rest of my life, but at least she will know what she is missing.

I will make an example: when I broke up with my ex I went out once with a girl. We kissed but then for some reason she ghosted me. Everyone told me to leave her alone, but I went to the place where she works. We had an argument, but in a nice way. We were finally talking and explaining each others. I left with a "f**k you". She texted me after 20 min apologizing and saying she was happy I showed up and we talked. I did the right thing etc... She explained to me she was still into her ex and that's why we couldn't date each others. We both accepted the situation and now we still talk and sometimes she show me interest on social media.

She was categorically telling me to not bother her or ignoring me at best.
I did otherwise once anyway and she appreciate.

Sometimes people misunderstand others and say something they don't mean to.

I still understand the point but if she is too important for me isn't allowed to push a bit her boundaries like she ALWAYS do with me? Maybe she just need to feel my love again.

I mean, I'm talking about I see her as my lifelong companion.

I love her so much and I want to make a family with her.

And she wanted too. She told me this many times.

We know how they can cancel the memories of 1000 good things, for just 1 bad thing that happened. I believe she is just deeply wounded and she has painted me total black to don't feel the pain of feeling unloved by me anymore.

I mean this is something very serious I never felt like this in my whole life.

I'm 100% in love with her and still think she is even if she says otherwise.

And I know she change her mind so quickly and often act in a very impulsive and exaggerate way.

Actually I really would respect what she asked.

But I feel I have to tell her what I feel as well.

I'm going crazy to find a solution.

She has done some crazy stuff like blocking and don't talking to me for many days so many times.

But this time I feel is different and I must do something or I'll lose her forever.

Do you think she will ever comeback even for blaming me again in this situation?

Probably respecting her boundaries must have the priority.

But I feel dying inside thinking she will never know what I feel and I will never see her again

It may not feel like it right now - BUT - if you keep processing the feelings, move forward, process feelings, move forward, then in six months you WILL feel better.

If you continue to ruminate in the past, then you will prolong the suffering.  There is no other way.

Hang in there.  We are all wanting a new life for you.   You are not your past - you are your future choices. You will become them. Does that make sense?

Hang in there,

Keep reaching out.

Rev

Some good advice and perspectives have been shared here.


It has often been written that wanting closure is so important to us.  But when a disorder such as BPD is involved, we often don't get closure from them so we have to Gift closure to ourselves.


Here is what happened to me.  After being married for more than ten years I felt my spouse would feel better if we had a child.  So we did.  It didn't help, she actually felt worse.  A few years later we separated and when the first temp order ended, she kept possession of our preschooler and I didn't get to see him for three months.  Knowing that if I appeared at her door she would overreact, I called the police and asked them to accompany me so I could see my son.  Instead of helping, they declined and said to wait until court would set another temp order.  They would not help me unless I had a temp parenting order in my hands.  When I asked what would happen if I visited anyway and she called the police, they said they would come quickly.  I didn't want to get arrested so I had to stay away.  It was the hardest time in my life, but later life got better.  It was a difficult learning experience.

Notice that Steppenwolf wrote that it's okay to write and put your feelings in a letter... but don't send it.  Respect her clear boundaries.  Some here have said you can write your thoughts and then have a little ceremony where you burn it safely.  Do whatever it takes to respect her wishes that you not contact her.

Hi everyone and thanks for your suggestions.

And please forgive me to insist on this point.

So you are telling me to give up with her for my own safety? Because you believe that anyway it will be a nightmare for me even in the future, even if I can fix this situation, or because you think her statement is irreversible?

Or for other reasons?

Because I see the reality this way:
- She is really hurt and now hate me (BDP issue)
- She was right about many things I didn't understand till now (normal person issue)
- She overreacted like she did many times and after that changed her mind and came back like nothing happened. (BDP issue) This time is surely much much worse, I understand that

So from my standpoint of view, as a man who love his woman I must do everything on my power to respect her feelings, but at the same time I must do my best to save our relationship and make her finally feel heard, loved and supported the way she need, since now I truly understand what was the real problem and I think it could solve the situation.

FYI: The first time she split me, when we got back together things were going much better because we were both more supportive to each others. Unfortunately I'm having hard times on my own life since we met for many reasons (health, work, etc...) and sometimes I'm not at my best to walk on the eggshells and never fail to break one.

I'm human and I do fail like anyone else, but I love her so much and I want to learn from my mistakes and be a good man with her. First split wasn't that bad like this one, so I think this one is really the last one or can bring us back stronger than ever. She feels like the first option because she got hurt and don't know yet about my commitment, but I feel the other way because now I know I can make her feel loved and heard the way she needs.

since this is the Bettering board, no one will tell you whether to "stay" or "go" or "continue" or "give up". as long as you are trying to reconcile the relationship, we will support you in that.

however, when youre in a situation where youre trying to reconcile a relationship, you have to play the hand youve been dealt. there arent any magic tricks.

the hand that youve been dealt, in this case, is that youve been blocked.

you arent in any position to reconcile a relationship with someone who has blocked you. you arent in a position to love them, support them, make them feel heard.

in fact, the only way to make her feel heard, is to respect her wishes, and not contact her. doing otherwise is not hearing her. its substituting your judgment for hers; youll never reconcile any relationship that way.

so, unfortunately, the thing that gives you the best chance for reconciliation, is not to contact her. trying to contact her will push her further away, cause her to go even further in blocking you, and possibly land you in legal trouble.

thats the hand youve been dealt. you can hope she contacts you, you can wait for her to do so, you can work toward becoming the guy you want to be in the event she contacts you, and we can support you in that....but none of those things are guaranteed to happen. they may or may not even be likely to happen.

but right now, trying to contact her, or get her to accept your love, or to see the light, would not be respecting her, it will do the opposite of making her feel heard, and it will run counter to your goals.

Please listen to the wisdom of this one sentence.....

No, her statement is not irreversible.  Many people with BPD are known to cycle between yes and no, push away then pull you back.  No one can say what she may do in the future.  But right now she has blocked you and thrown in the police/legal risk too.

It also sounds that you're trying to please her.  That's normal of course.  But when dealing with a person with BPD, that's a slippery slope, as in, where does it end?  This is at least your second break-up, right?  You're so desperate to woo her back, but isn't there a risk that even if you do restart the relationship that it could fail again?  And again?  There are no guarantees in life, but loving a person with mental health issues is a huge challenge.

Thank you for being so clear and compassionate in explaining better to me the point.

I really appreciate it.

I will write the letter, but I probably never send it to her.

I'm doing my best to be the man she always wanted on her side.

I hope she will come back

Btw, FYI:

Yesterday she watched my stories on Instagram with another profile she is using.

She didn't use that profile for a long time till now, so she is might be doing that on purpose, because if she really wanted to cut me 100% off she could just block me from that profile as well.

I opened our chat on that profile (didn't write anything) and the last messages were full of love.

What do you think? A bit more hope for me?

Also I understood what happened with her friend.

That girl is really childish and anxious. In fact, she is older than my ex gf but never had a real bf.

I remembered that and I think she is influencing my ex in a bad way against me.

This is so sad because I wrote that girl only because I know she care about her, and I was just seeking help to fix the situation and tell her to take care of my ex gf now that she is on her own.

Sorry guys, my previous messages were referring to the Once Removed's and Rev's post


I think our relationship broke apart because we both did something wrong. I'm just trying to take my part, since I know she is right on many points but till now I was mostly JADEing (aka defending myself from what I once perceived as a personal attack).

Now I'm studying this forum every single day and I believe I was never even close to the knowledge and the awareness that I feel right now about this situation.

That's why I think she should know, and I should prove myself this way. If we get back together I will also try to set boundaries and involve her in having a better communication/behavior towards each other (and I'm pretty sure I can better manage to communicate this myself now).

This is our second brake up.

First brake up was last December, then we got back together in February and things were going super good until we broke up at the end of June. Since then we were talking from time to time, we dated different girls/guys, till I decided to try once again and restarted our communication around the 10th of October. We were doing well with a bit of flirting by both sides, till we ended again into another argument.

The argument started when she sent me a paint and I told her "how much I was missing your paints? <3"
From that point she switched her mood and became rude to me, saying that I don't understand we are not together anymore, I was trying to force her into a relationship she don't want (??), I'm bad for 100 reasons (already told me a million times), she never loved me (first time she told me this and really hurt me), etc... then everything escalated on my side too, till I offended a bit her due to my frustration.

After that the following day I sent her a stupid video on Instagram to de-escalate, but she got pissed insntead and she called me saying to leave her alone. I then asked what was the real problem, she said okay I will tell you but don't say anything it's because of your health problems.

Since I believe that my health condition (brain fog, long covid, etc...) was the major issue between us, I replied that "ofc in your dictatorship I can't even defend myself, right?" I then tried to reach her by saying I'm hurt, I'm sorry, etc... but since then she blocked me and we never talked anymore.

Now I truly believe the major issue in our relationship is the lack of mutual understanding and communication and I'm doing my best to do my part. Now after reading this forum (I'm doing this every single day since then, taking notes, etc...), I really understand how she feel and how I can better communicate with her and be a good man by her side.

Since I finally had this epiphany I truly hope I can use these new skills to make things better between us and contribute to the happiness in her life. This is really what she always wanted from me. Now that I'm fully aware, empowered with these new tools, and willing to commit myself 100% into our relationship, it would be really sad if it will never happen

there could be. it is hard to know exactly what might go into her choice to look; its possible that it may not be for a good reason. but it tells you that youre on your radar, she has thought of you. its something.

i definitely want to encourage you not to take it as a sign to reach out. i cant tell you how many times i have seen that not only here, but in my life, where someone sees social media peeking and decides its a good idea to reach out, and finds out otherwise.

what not chasing her or contacting her does, is give the opportunity for the ice to thaw. she may even feel bad about how things ended. she might reach out when that happens, though she might not. but its the only real card you can play, and its the best one.


i learned them long after my relationship ended, and i know what you mean. the thing is, i use them all the time, with everyone in my life. whatever happens, theyll make you a better man, and a better partner.

I'm really grateful I found this place.

It is a great source of knowledge to become a better person.

And I never heard better words from anyone else in my life.

You guys are being very wise and supportive to me.

Thank you so much!

It really helps :)

ilpablo,

Thank you for your kind words. We have all been where you find yourself and it helps in our own continuing healing to pay it forward.

So thank you also for your own courage in telling your story and finding your own healing.  One day you will pay this forward to someone is hurting and confused.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

Hey guys, a quick update on my story.

My ex gf unblocked me from social media and WA.

Then she probably saved again my number cuz I wasn't seeing her picture before.

Still no contact.

What should I do in your opinion. Still nothing or can I make a move?

Thanks everyone for your support!

P

Pablo,

   I know this is the bettering board; however, I will take the opportunity to ask you a tough question.  You mentioned that she had broken up with you twice before, so this will be the 3rd 'recycle' if and when she reaches out to you.  Since these relationships are cyclical in nature, are you willing to put yourself through the ordeal of a 3rd involuntary break-up if you wind up being together again?

   Also, if she just unblocked you, she could see what you are up to, and possibly block you again in a day or two (I know some social media limits how fast/often they can block/unblock).  It is not uncommon for an ex to look at their ex (you) as you have been a significant part of their lives before.  I personally would wait for her to reach out to you, at least for the first few days in case this is a temporary situation where she has unblocked you.

Once Removed said,
I personally would advise :caution: in light of Once Removed's advice, which mirrors my own experience.

   If she does reach out to you to reconnect.  You mentioned that you have a therapist, work with your therapist on the dynamic on what you can do to change yourself to be there for her.  If you do think she is BPD, and you want to have a relationship with her, use the tools found in the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad

   Be sure to do self-care, and that includes consulting with your own individual therapist on this topic.  Also do stuff for yourself, that fills your 'cup'. 

   Take care with self-care.

SD

Hi everyone!

I want to give you a quick update about my story.

First of all, thank all of you for the support and useful advice you gave me in this difficult moment.

Respecting her need to stay apart and working on myself have definitely helped me to heal, better manage the situation, and ultimately bring my ex back.

Suddenly one day she texted me like nothing has never happened.

We restarted communicating and everything was great. For a while.

Now we are back into mixed feelings, one day she is talking about the future together, saying I'm the only one she ever loved and she want to live with me, etc....

The other day I'm no good for her for many reasons.

For example:

1) She told me she want to stay home instead of working. -> My answer: "It's okay for me as long as it's sustainable and it makes you happy. Maybe you can work a bit online, so you can have your own income and be independent." (I work online as well, so I proposed to help her to build her own thing, or to help me with my work, since I need help anyway and I'm going to pay someone else otherwise) -> Her answer: " No, it will never work. Because I will not able to ask you what I need, and you are not capable to deal with this situation. So we will break up, because I will be unhappy. I should never said anything like this. Now I'm even unsecure about our relationship".

2) She said all her friends "hate me", so this is a problem and ofc it's my fault.

I can share many other situations like these, but it would be pointless.

My message is not to blame her or something, I would just ask you an advice on how to deal with these situations. I'm trying to do my best, but I noticed that now it's probably even harder than before because after the brake up she is constantly questioning me, her feelings, and our relationship. For long time it wasn't like this. She was sure about us, even if all these problems were arising every other day. But the relationship itself wasn't in discussion.

So now I feel every single word counts on how things will develop between us.

Since I think you are more experienced and wise than me, I really need your help!

Thanks y'all for everything

try not to take these things as put downs.

shes communicating to you, her anxieties about the relationship going forward. they arent small matters; theyre the sort of thing couples break over regularly.

she may be dumping it on you as "your fault" (she has limited coping and conflict skills, thats where youre going to need to compensate for her deficit), but the ability for your relationship to succeed depends on the ability of the two of you to resolve conflict.

1. the work/not work arrangement - couples fight (and break up, or even divorce) over this all the time.

i dont know what the solution is (we can certainly help), but shes telling you in clear and uncertain terms that she wants to stay home instead of working. youre responding with ways she might work. shes telling you no. hear her. accept what she is saying at face value.

is that an arrangement youre prepared to live with, assuming it wouldnt change? there is no right or wrong answer; its something you really need to consider, and think through.

right now, she has a hard time seeing how it can work. can you?

2. well, what happened with the friends?


it sounds like some of this is BPD, and some is natural concerns about getting back into a relationship that ended, is rocky, and concerns about the future.

your relationship ended for important, very real reasons. reasons that she had, no doubt, already been considering.

it has, for now, reconciled. the question now is to what end? to return to the old dysfunctional ways, or to chart a very different course?

it is natural that the reasons that the two of you broke up are weighing heavily on her mind. it is natural that she is testing you, in that regard. it is natural that she may be feeling pressure about it, if you fell out with her friends.

with bpd, those things will tend to be in overdrive. every little thing you do or have done may be under the microscope. "remember the time he didnt lift the lid? hes going to make a terrible father".

i joke, but, people with bpd tend to overstate and exaggerate things that are very real. shes thinking about the incompatibilities between the two of you. shes thinking that shes getting back into a broken relationship with a guy her friends dont like. shes probably wondering if she has made a mistake. and shes also probably expressing it all in an over the top way.

the trick to loving someone with bpd is learning to see through the avalanche, to the underlying thing theyre communicating. shes anxious about the relationship. she needs reassurance. she needs you to be cool. she needs you to lead.

shes also pointing to the very real fact that the two of you have unresolved conflict, and to succeed, youre going to need to learn to solve conflict in a healthier, more constructive way, where everyone feels heard; or, resolve the conflict by deciding they are irreconcilable differences. 

we have a great lesson to start on resolving conflict; its adapted a book called The High Conflict Couple, that i would highly recommend: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

Dear friends, BPD Fam,
thank you once again for the help and support you gave me since the time I discovered this forum.

It means a lot to me!

I didn't post anything since last December because we've got back together!

She randomly texted in the beginning of December and we restarted communicating, till we met around the end of the month. With the skills I learned here I was able to understand her needs and manage much better all the conflict situations.

We have spent a few days together before Christmas and for NYE, which our anniversary and her birthday as well.

I did my very best to make that day "perfect" in order to let her feel loved and we had a good time.

Since we restarted dating and my approach has changed, I also noticed she was putting more effort into our relationship.

I hope you can help me to address a couple of recurring issues we are experiencing.

1) The problems are not solved yet, and she tried to brake up again a couple more times.

Reasons are always the same:
- she is stressed for something else (her family, work, school, etc...)
- she get disappointed by something we don't agree on
- she become insure and her doubts raise again
- she restart thinking about all the negative things she see on me (from past situations)
- she restart picturing me as all black and want to split
- I then try to reassure her and address the issues one by one
- Sometimes it works (but it's really hard), sometimes it doesn't and she hang up the phone in the middle of the conversation

I then tell her that if she has any real issue in our relationship or  my behavior we can address this together and solve the problem, or if she is having hard time on her own for other reasons, I can give her the space she needs and we can communicate later.

Am I doing good? Do you have any other advice?

2) Also, when she wants to fight with me she always do these stuff:
- she compare me with her mother (which is the most troublesome relationship for her)
- she brings back old issues we already discussed million times (all the small things I could ever have done in the past)
- she picture our future together as black (fearing that it might be the same as her parents marriage)
- she tells me that we don't share any value (It's true that we have some differences in the way we see the world, like politics for example. But overall it's not true we don't share values, not at all. But every little difference become a gigantic issue in her mind).
- she tells me that she have good time with two of her friends, which she can't have with me
- she tells me all the negative possible things you can say to someone to make him/her feel a failure (i'm not good for this and that reason, etc...)
- she is always seeking complete attention and support from me when she have a problem (every day, multiple times usually), but when I try to explain my issues (health issues, work related issues, etc...) most of the time she doesn't even try to understand how I feel and how can this have an impact on my mood and our relationship

3) Another thing is that we live a bit far away now (2h flight, but it has always been like this).

This situation ofc complicate everything.

We are quite good to keep in touch for a while, but then things turns bad after we don't meet for some time. She is mostly seeking my effort to move close to where she is or where she want to be, and she hardly agrees on what I want.

Can you please advise me on how to deal with this situation?

4) She thinks she has ADHD, and one time while talking I suggested to check for BPD. I'm pretty sure she told me that she was diagnosed with this in the beginning of our relationship, and when I looked into the matter everything adds up. But when I mentioned the issue, she dismissed immediately the problem, telling me that she never mentioned that.

I'm trying to address the underlying causes of our fight or her mood changes, negativity, etc... without mentioning BPD openly, cuz I fear her reaction. Sometimes I think I should openly tell her about this, but last time I mentioned I thought she was upset with me because the hard relationship she has with her mother (which is probably also BPD and maybe NPD), we broke up for 6 months. What would you do in my position?

5) One last note...

I realized that I truly love her when she is not like this.

She is funny, cute, smart and we get along together quite well.

But on the other hand, now that I'm more aware of the problem, I often ask myself if this is the life I really want?
It will ever stop? I will ever feel relaxed that she is not gonna leave me from a day to another or blame me for something?

Thank's y'all!

I really appreciate your help.

Sincerly,
P

Hi, welcome back, ilpablo  :hi:

Glad to hear you've had a chance to try again. That must have felt really good.

These are important overall questions you're asking:


I think in terms of your first question -- asking yourself if this is the life you want -- it's like asking yourself if you could be in a relationship with a person who uses a wheelchair. There are no right or wrong answers. Some people might be fine with that, and could easily accept and work with the partner's limitations. Another person, with different values or priorities (maybe someone who hikes outdoors a lot or climbs mountains for fun), would have to be realistic about entering into a relationship with someone limited in an area that's so important to them. If that second person couldn't radically accept the wheelchair user's limitations, he might start down a path of resentment and frustration: "Why can't you just try harder, I think you could actually walk if you tried more or got help, you know how important hiking is to me".

I would assume that "what you see is what you get" with her -- that the way she's behaving, the cycles of moods, the highs and lows, will be exactly how she will be (unless she, deciding on her own, seeks treatment). I wouldn't necessarily enter in/stay in a relationship on the hope that "she might get better". Maybe it'll help your decision making process to accept (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0) that she'll be this way for the foreseeable future.

...

In terms of your second question -- if you'll ever feel relaxed about her leaving or blaming -- it could be that the power rests with you, there, not with what she does or doesn't do.

We don't have control over what others do or say. There is not some level of control, interaction, "saying the right words", "using the tools", etc, that unlocks our ability to control or manage a partner.

Even in a "generally normal" relationship, I don't control whether or not my H stays with me, and whether or not he blames me.

I do control my values, boundaries, and responses.

Again, there are not necessarily "right or wrong" answers about our boundaries and values (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0). Those are personal. One person may not be able to stay in a relationship with any blaming. Another person may stay in a relationship where the partner blames, but make choices to not stick around to listen to the blaming. It depends on what you are OK with letting into your life.

I wonder if it could help to reframe the issue away from "will I ever feel confident that she won't just leave me, and that she will finally stop blaming me", and towards: "As much as I feel afraid that she will suddenly leave me, and as much as I do not like being blamed, I am currently choosing to stay in this relationship. My feelings about leaving and blame are my feelings to manage -- they aren't caused by her. When I have fears about her leaving, I can accept that I don't control her, and can only do my best to work with myself. When I feel upset at being blamed, I will know that I have a choice about continuing to listen to blame, or taking a break by leaving the room."

...

I know you have more detailed questions -- we can drill down into those, too -- just thought I'd share some thoughts on your big questions first.

Any of that sound on target? Anything off base?

Hey Kells! Thanks for your prompt reply.

Yes ant advice is super welcome.

I think you addressed the most philosophical questions, and I'm thankful for that.

I will try to focus more on this for sure.

Now I'm in a bad situation again and I really need some help on the most practical issues I mentioned.

If anyone could give me any help, it will be very much appreciated.

Thanks y'all