BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I am new here and I really hope to find help to improve my understanding of BPD and how to cope with the people I know who have it.

I will try to be short because I’ve got so much to say but I will try my best to stay on topic.

I have now been in a relationship for over 4 years with a man who hasn’t been officially diagnosed with BPD but he has been told several times by medical staff that there’s a possibility that he has either BPD or maybe PTSD. His symptoms are rather mild, and I have learnt how to cope with it even though it’s difficult to see him struggle sometimes.

The main problem issue I have it’s with his mother. She has been diagnosed with BPD and she’s a textbook case (manipulation, attention seeking, mood swings, childish behaviour, overspend money, stuck in the past…).

My partner wasn’t very close to her when I met him but after maybe 2 years, things changed and long story short , she started being very present in a rather invading way which really irritated me so I cut contact with her, she lives nearby so my partner goes to see her as he pleases but I’d avoid it.

But back in April, we found out we were going to have a baby and, when we told her she was overly excited, and I let her back into my space a bit more to give her a chance.
But things started to really concern me. She’d text me things like ‘I’m so happy for our little one, you’re making me the happiest’ or calling the baby ‘my baby’ in front of me, saying things like ‘I know I’m not the mother but…’.

She started buying things for the baby as soon as she knew so I wasn’t even 3 months pregnant. My partner told her off at that time about it and about the way she talks in front of me but then she’d just wait a few weeks and do the same things. He feels guilty when he tells her off because she gets upset so it’s just a vicious circle as the same things keep happening, same conversations.

She doesn’t understand boundaries and my partner either and it’s very hard for me to have my boundaries respected as when I try to set boundaries, they just think that I am mean and selfish but the more she behaves in a certain the more I want to withdraw from her and it’s becoming a problem in my relationship. When she is being told off, she gets upset and apologises to my partner and it makes him feel guilty but she does the same things every time, it’s a pattern.

A lot of the times, it feels like she is part of the relationship and it’s hard for me to talk to my partner as he gets upset or angry when I talk about it or about what she does, what she say and every time he tells her off she gets upset so I end up being the bad guy.

What’s hard is that we’re in our 30s, have good jobs and earn a good living so we are more than fine but it’s like she sees us as being teenagers who would need her.

I have much more to say but I will stop here, I just want to know if some other women have had to deal with a MIL with BPD whilst pregnant and what happened once the baby arrived? Any help is welcome, I’ve got nobody to talk about that and it’s getting harder and harder.

Congratulations on your new arrival! Yes there are posters here with a MIL and who have mothers with BPD. I think you are wise to be concerned about how this will impact your child. I have a mother with BPD.

It is complicated- I don't think there's a one size fits all solution as there are different circumstances. It is probably more difficult to have boundaries if the parent with BPD lives nearby because of the frequency of the visits.

It is also complicated when it's a MIL as this is your partner's mother and they have their own relationship dynamics. Not that it's easier when it's your own mother but the dynamics are different because then, it's our own relationship to manage.

A common issue is poor boundaries and I think that is the theme of your post. PwBPD have poor boundaries. When we are raised with a parent with BPD- this is the "normal" we know, even though it isn't normal. So to your partner- this is the relationship he is most familiar with - you notice that his mother seems to not respect boundaries but to your partner it's what he knows. He may not see the issues with this like you do.

Another is the family "rule". We don't dare "talk" about BPD mother. It was not allowed when we were growing up. I still feel uncomfortable speaking about mine. When you speak to your partner, if he gets angry, it may be because it feels like it is against a family rule that he grew up with.

You feeling as if your boundaries are not being respected. My children are adults now but the tone of my mother's voice when she asks "how are my grandchildren?" as if somehow she has a sort of ownership of them feels uncomfortable. It's understandable that your MIL would be excited about becoming a grandparent. For my BPD mother, it also felt that this is a potential identity and source of attention. Yes, people say congratulations to new grandparents and make a fuss over that. But the child's parents are primary to the child and grandparents with emotionally stable boundaries know that. What you are sensing is the lack of boundaries. This is your baby, not hers, and she's behaving as if it is hers.

The issue though, isn't only with her. It's with you and your partner and boundaries when it comes to your own family now. I suggest you read about the Karpman "drama" triangle which describes disordered relationships. It's possible that your MIL took on victim perspective. Your partner may take on rescuer role with her. Note that your partner may not even see this as a problem - it's the pattern he grew up with in his family- it feels normal to him. If he's open to marital counseling- this may be helpful. A counselor may be able to moderate discussions over boundaries with your MIL.

Hi, OP, how would your spouse feel about going to therapy with a counselor trained specifically in BPD families?

I'm the one with the BPD mom but my husband is very protective of his family members and it has caused much conflict for us in regards to our children. I'm still on the fence as to whether or not either of his parents or siblings are PD.... There are some similarities with my FOO, but I don't have the place to diagnose so I just focus on personal boundaries.

My mom would do the my baby thing with my 2nd child, not so much with my first. I think it's because of the gender difference. In any event, I have had alot of challenges specific to my mom becoming a grandparent so if you are outside of the locust of control with your mil, it could likely present problems with your marital relationship. My husband is able to communicate his boundaries to his family without retaliation, me ... not so much.

Hi Raya,

Congrats on the pregnancy!  Wahoo!

My mother is uBPD.  When it got to the point I needed T, I invited my H to come so he could hear from a professional- not just my point of view. It really helped for him to learn and believe.  It wasn’t just me complaining about my mom all the time. He really respects counsellors now. 

You are in a different situation because it’s your MIL and you are the one that would be suggesting it, not him.

Do you think either of you would be open to counseling, or is it something you could access if you wanted to?

My mother also called our first born “her child “.  He became the golden child.  It has it’s problems and your concerns are legitimate.