BPDFamily.com

Hi fam, this is my first time posting here:

I have been on a two-week period of no contact after my ex-girlfriend threatened me with a restraining order. I'm wondering if her behavior exhibits some narcissistic (NPD) or borderline personality disorder (BPD) traits, or if it was my fault for contacting her.

Two months ago, she broke up with me and immediately started dating a new guy, who happened to be a long-time friend of hers. I tried to win her back, begged her, but my efforts were unsuccessful. Then, when I pointed out that she cheated (she tends to act impulsively), she threatened to report me to the police if I ever texted or called her.

I initiated no contact after that, which has been incredibly challenging. After about two weeks, she called me and asked if I had given her number to someone else because she received messages accusing her of cheating on me. I hadn't shared her number with anyone, and she started questioning how I was doing and somewhat blamed me for the breakup. This gave me false hope. Subsequently, she occasionally called me, claiming she just wanted someone to talk to and then quickly hanging up (oddly, she didn't call her new boyfriend).

Then, one night when I was at a bar and had been drinking, I made the mistake of calling her and asked if we could get back together. The next day, she texted me, firmly refusing the idea and threatening to file a restraining order if I ever contacted her again. She mentioned that her boyfriend was upset because I had called and texted her that night, leading to arguments between them due to my actions. I chose not to respond to her text to avoid legal trouble. However, a few hours later, she called me twice. I didn't answer, likely because she wanted to discuss reporting me. It seemed that she found it acceptable to call me, but when I tried calling her back that night, she threatened to report me again.

Now, I've maintained two weeks of no contact, and I haven't heard from the police, so I assume she hasn't filed a restraining order yet. I'm too afraid to reach out to her, and it's extremely difficult to know that she's already with someone else while I can't do anything about it, especially after receiving a restraining order threat. It's challenging not to miss this person.

I acknowledge that there were some faults on my part, as I tried very hard to reconcile after the breakup. Here are some things she used to say when we were together:

She claimed her exes were way better than me and that I was the worst guy she had been in a relationship with.
Every time we had a fight, she would talk to her male friend and give me the silent treatment for the entire night.
She initiated the breakup almost five times a year, each time we had an argument, and I kept going back to her.

Was it my fault for contacting her, or could her behavior indicate some narcissistic or borderline personality traits?
I am guessing at this point she is gone forever?

Hi newGuy619 and welcome. So much of your story sounds familiar: "rules for you but not for me", threats, quick rebound relationships, and confusing relational moves. Glad you found us and felt ready to share what's going on.

I want to make sure I'm tracking with you before I ask too many questions  *) -- did I read correctly that she has threatened to get a RO on you, but, as far as you know, has not actually gone and done it?


Tell me a little more about how you were envisioning "no contact" there. What would you say was the purpose or goal? And what were the steps you took at that time that you would've called "no contact"?

No right or wrong answers -- just more understanding of where you're at.

And would you say that this:


is probably your biggest concern right now? Or are you also pondering getting back together?

Again, no right or wrong answers here. Happy you found us, and keep us posted;

kells76

Yeah, she threatened me with getting a restraining order (RO) two weeks ago. She told me that if I ever text or call her again, she would file an RO as an extra measure. Since I haven't heard from the cops or from her, I'm guessing she hasn't filed an RO?

The purpose of the first period of no contact, after she threatened me the very first time, was just to walk away because I got scared, so I stopped texting or calling her. Then two weeks later, she initiated contact, which I didn't expect.

After she initiated contact and we had a few calls, as I explained above, I thought maybe she wanted to get back together, so I tried to reconcile. I didn't know she would threaten me again with a second RO.

Deep down, I did want to get back with her because there were some faults on my side when we were together, and I wanted to make things right, you know? But I guess it was too late. I just got false hope, so I contacted her again after she initiated contact.

Now it's been like 2 weeks of no contact after she threatened me and blocked me. I don't want to get into legal trouble, you know, even though I miss her and want to get back with her. But it seems like at this point, it's over. I don't think she will ever contact me again, and I can't try harder to get her back. It just seems like I have to accept the fact that it's over.

newGuy619,

As much as you may want to try again, and/or desire closure, take legal threats seriously. I'd even bet that she lied about the text as a preclude to engage you. Don't reach out, don't engage if she reaches out. She's telegraphed that she has the ability to destroy you. Take it seriously. We've seen members here who haven't, even under TROs where ex's reached out to violate orders. It doesn't turn out well.

My ex secured a TRO against her then brother-in-law for... feelings. A former mod here told me that judges grant TROs if the plaintiff can write well, in his opinion.,He had his own against his wife and despite his evidence, his wife was later granted her own against him, based upon... no evidence, just she asking.

Tread carefully. We will support you to heal.

how bad is having a restraining order on your record?

it's been like 16 days of no contact. she hasn't contacted me and I am guessing she will not contact me anymore.

Hey there,

I am just wanting to second every last word of this.

Put this in your mind .... as you heal, the what you see around you, how you evaluate it and the impact it has on you will change. Think of it right now as changing your diet.  In a few months of changing your diet, if you stick to the regimen, your body craves less of the stuff that wasn't good for it in the first place.

Hear these words ... we will help you to heal.  We have all been where you are.  And one day, you'll be the one paying it forward.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

you know sometimes it tough that there were mistakes you made and could have prevented those, now its too late. having those regrets and guilts makes it even tough to move on

That is so, so true.  I think that as you move forward, and heal, you will realize that those "mistakes" were inevitable. A common dynamic of these relationships, especially the ones that go off the rails, is that we are left picking up a lot of responsibilities for things that we should not pick up. 

One of my mantras leaving the relationship was "Stop trying to have a conversation with someone who doesn't exist."  Who you thought she was and who she will be to the next person - neither of those people exist in a grounded reality. This is what is known as the "absence of object constancy". Because she shifts emotional states of being, then it becomes very, very difficult to maintain any kind of stable relationship.  A lot of psycho-babble right there. So I'll stop.  :(

The pain of the loss is real - because loss centers and pain centers in the brain are close cousins.  And if you can endure six months of "detox" - then maybe it will be time to evaluate what went wrong. For now, work with your therapist to develop coping mechanisms and routines that reduce your suffering.

What do you think?

Rev

i dont say this to undermine your point, or your feelings: this is true for every relationship you will ever be in.

every relationship you will ever be in will fail, except for the very last. from all of them, you have the opportunity to learn from them, to get closer to who you want to be in the next one.

a breakup is a crossroads. whether you believe "all things happen for a reason", or you believe "suffering builds character", or you believe either or both are nonsense, you can cope with suffering by carrying it, or by reinventing yourself.

the future is a far off thing, and probably beside the point right now, but right here and now, youre carrying these regrets, and suffering with what feels like the inability to do anything about them. you can explore them, process them, heal from them, and learn from them, and ultimately emerge from the experience even stronger, more sure of yourself, with an even greater capacity to give and receive love.

in the midst of what i imagine is a great deal of despair, there is, ultimately, hope.