BPDFamily.com

I am in a difficult relationship. I recently started reading up on BPD and listening to podcast by Rhoberta Shaler.
My story sounds typical in that my husband was my absolute dream come true. Wonderful and perfect in every way. Soon after the marriage the wheels came off. I was shouted at for waking him up wrong and not polishing the taps or cooking properly among other things.  It was quite a shock to my system. I wanted to leave, he went to phycologist and was diagnosed with PTSD and received treatment for a while. Later I wanted to leave and he threatened that he would take the kids away from me because I am too unstable to take care of them. I stayed and tried to be better, do better love enough, be enough. If only this crisis would pass then things would be better again. We went to counceling a few times, but it never got very far or made any difference.  At the moment he is ignoring me. No physical contact whatsoever for months at a time. No hugs no kisses. He does not want me to leave, but he does not love me (his words).  If I tell him I have needs to be loved he says I have unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should be and I do not respect his boundaries. I do not know who I am anymore. I do not know what is normal anymore. I am hurting all the time.

Hi Jinx and welcome to the forums.  I'm so sorry you're hurting and confused about what to do.  Many of us have been there and it is not fun at all.

You posted in the "bettering a relationship" forum and everyone here is required to respect that- meaning our advice has to be focused on you staying in the relationship.  Is that what you're looking for?  If not, we can have a moderator move this to the "conflicted about continuing" forum thread instead.  I only mention this because you brought up leaving three times.

I can tell you that complex PTSD and BPD have almost identical tendencies within individuals, but different treatment paths.  While we can't offer much direction on your husband's condition, the sticky threads along the top of this website can help you learn to better communicate with him and de-escalate some of the things going on. 

Also, if you're not being loved but expected to stay, I would HIGHLY RECOMMEND speaking with a counselor for yourself and talking some of this stuff out. 

I'll also ask a quick question; have you ever left before...even for a few days?  If so, what happened?

If things get too intense, then maybe staying with a friend or a family member for a few days could provide some clarity for both of you.  That would be taking a step back to catch your breath and clearing your mind, giving everyone a chance to cool off and reset a little bit.  This could be a great time as well with a 4-day weekend coming up.

I have never told him that I am leaving because of him, but I have stayed with a friend for a few days, visited my sister or gone away on my own for a day. He would send me a shopping list for stuff to get on my way home.

You can move the post to the conflicted section.   I do not want to get a divorce, but I am beginning to feel like I am going insane! He thinks we are good and everything is fine even though I have told him that I am not.   He stopped talking to his whole family because of a difference in planning for a family get together. He is actively ignoring any phone calls or messages. His Father is asking me what is going on.  He is actively ignoring me. If I walk into a room he would get up and go somewhere else. If I go there he would leave and go back to the room where he was before. If I ask about it he would say he is just busy.   If I say anything he puts me down. He chats and tells jokes with the kids and is ice cold and dismissive with me. That Jekyl and Hyde thing. If I say anything he says it is not so, I am imagining things. I will go through the tutorials about communication and see if I can express myself better.