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My wife and I were playing an online game on our phones, on the same team but physically in different rooms. One of the other players was online chatting with us. She guessed that the blonde one in our profile pics was my wife and said “You’re both beautiful”. And I said, “thanks ;)”

Next thing I know my wife’s texting me, “WHY DID YOU WINK AT HER????? YOU’RE FLIRTING WITH HER!!! HOW CAN I EVER TRUST YOU???! YOU ALWAYS RUIN EVERYTHING!!” I’m like, “um, I really wasn’t, but why would I flirt with someone in front of you? Why would I choose to make you angry and upset?” And this text exchange went on for well over an hour.

I don’t even know why I winked. I won’t do it again though ;)

Oh, that's frustrating, when all you wanted was a fun chill time gaming together. It's sad that she can be so fragile that her disorder takes over those moments for you.

Was that a fairly typical occurrence?

Is an hour pretty average for how long a text exchange like that would go?

I wonder if there are ways to gradually trim down that hour of texting -- to get you two back to chill gaming in 30 minutes or 45 minutes instead.

Venting makes sense when you have a nice situation that is disrupted by the disorder. Not what you wanted at all.

These are late night circular arguments- the only difference is that they are not in person. This is high intensity drama and it can have an addictive affect. It also serves as a release valve for your wife's emotions- something she may seek out- not nececarily consciously. It's that something - whatever that may be- triggers this. If it weren't the "wink" emoji, then something else.

Somehow your wife's reaction pulls you into this too.

I have another theory. This drama between the two of you is the "intimacy" in your marriage. You are not having much physical intimacy. You are in separate bedrooms and she's in bed with the kids. But you each want some sort of connection. I think this is why you are drawn into it too. The absence of drama would feel worse for you.

I agree with Kells that the approach is for you to be less reactive and decrease the texting time. The problem though is that- if the intensity of the drama is an intimacy connection for you, you may feel apprehensive about not engaging in it.

Thanks both,
Actually the circular arguments have generally got shorter since I learnt about validation and although I will continue to JADE, it does feel that my wife needs to hear JADE over and over in order to find the peace to say goodnight. Like if I didn’t deny many times that I was flirting that would anger her further.
This evening it was a 2 hour text exchange but I was hoping she’d come and see me for sexy time but I failed to turn her on as usual, it’s always something. She seems to crave the text interactions though but actually I feel relieved when she doesn’t answer my texts meaning she’s fallen asleep and atm I’m reading understanding the borderline mother so it gives me more time to come on here and also read.
She does still have control of when the texting ends… but if I get whatever it is right then it’s not too late. When she’s dysregulated, which she largely is at the moment, they go on longer. I struggle to implement boundaries over sleep as I’ve said in the past. If I say I’m turning my phone off (I have it on vibrate in case she needs me for the kids in the night), then she comes in and shouts at me. And I don’t want her to wake the kids and scare them. The only way to stop her shouting might be to leave the house but I don’t want to do that either. In fact the shouting happens rarely because I’d rather text her for a couple of hours about whatever if it helps us have a better day tomorrow and it’s very rare that we get intimate but this does seem to help her moods, though I mustn’t get too emotional about it as she doesn’t like that.
Usually my favourite most relaxing outcome is we play our online game and then sleep, but I won’t suggest we play it until she does now, otherwise it’ll just remind her about the wink.

I am going to validate you that what you did was okay.  You were just being friendly in a make-believe game.  It sounds like your wife is incredibly insecure in the way she reacted.  I know you said she doesn't want to do therapy; however, she really needs to do therapy, you may have to be creative in getting her to go.  However, now that you know this, you are still walking on eggshells, and you indicated that you are going to be mindful about triggering her in this way moving forward by saying "I won't do it again" even though it was harmless.

When I get in a circular argument with my wife, I let it go around 2-3 times, and then call a time-out to regroup the following morning when she brings it up.  She usually doesn't as it is usually something insignificant. 

Take care with self care.  Try to have a good weekend.

SD