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I am concerned that my mother might have BPD. My parents separated 14 years ago and I feel my mum is constantly fighting with me, she seems to do terrible things to me - excluding me from family events and saying terrible things about me. I know I’m not a bad person yet no matter how hard I try I never seem to be good enough. Really upsets me that this happens and I wish I could find a way to understand what’s going on between us. I know that my mother’s parents fought constantly when they were together, her mother was an alcoholic and her dad was very domineering and manipulative to her. Things seem to have gotten worse in the past few years when I moved out of my mums house and moved in with my Dad. Now when I go home to see her it’s like she’s triggered and has a very short fuse with me. She constantly pointing out the things that are wrong with me and as a result I feel I am never good enough in her eyes. I know from talking to my dad before my parents separated that he went through similar experiences during the time they were married. Im here to find out more and read as much as I can and better understand my mum and her emotional outburst and how with that knowledge I can strive to have a relationship with her on my terms without me feeling bad all the time. Does this sound familiar to anyone else? I’d really appreciate some advice

Hi Isla Green, we're glad you landed here on the boards  :hi: you'll find yourself in good company with others coping with the pain of having a family member with BPD.

Your description of how your mom's behavior escalated after you moved in with your dad actually made a lot of sense to me.

pwBPD (persons with BPD, whether officially diagnosed or "just" traits and behaviors), struggle with balanced thinking and emotions about relationships, especially close relationships.

One term for that kind of extreme thinking is "splitting" (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0), where the pwBPD can't hold a perception that someone has both good and bad qualities at the same time.

I wonder if your mom struggles with that, and can't accept that you can love both her and your dad -- instead feeling "you have to pick me or him, and if you pick him, it means you're bad and don't love me".

Do you think that could be part of it?

...

While it can be challenging to have a safe relationship with a parent with BPD, it is possible when we value ourselves and our needs, and work on learning more about true boundaries and values (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0).

Settle in, check out some of those links, and let us know your thoughts on them, whenever works best for you.

kells76

Hi Isla Green and welcome to BPD Family!  I can sure relate to your relationship with your mother. My Mom treats me the same. She is constantly getting angry with me, telling me all the things that she perceives are wrong with me, making unreasonable demands of me, and she is very manipulative.  It is really hard to maneuver a relationship like this because we expect our mothers to love and care for us instead of constantly telling us that we are bad, or pointing out our various faults.  This site has really helped me to better understand BPD.  Although my mother is undiagnosed, from what I have learned here and from therapy, there is no doubt in my mind that is what possesses her.  And, she seems to have become worse with age.

I am learning to detach from the angry outbursts. I don't try to defend myself anymore because I feel I am wasting my energy.  I just try to disengage when she gets angry or abusive and go home, or get off the phone.... I try not to take it personally because she can be very cruel.