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When my wife starts to have an episode it might start with an extremely short fuse. For example my adult son has special needs and is 20 years old. He’s affectionate, sometime overly, he has some quirks and they can get to be much. But my wife can become so impatient, so short it’s cruel. It makes me clench my fist but at the same time I’m paralyzed. The codependent in me knows that saying something will upset the apple cart and she’ll go ballistic. I usually try to change the subject or get physically between them. Over the years I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve excluded my son from outing to make things easier. There’s less of a chance of my wife being triggered if it’s just her and I vs with our son and/or daughter.

 What I could use is some guidance on what to say when I see she’s getting impatient with him. She’ll hint at her frustration that he’ll always be with us or say outrageous things like she thinks he wants to have sex with her (he’s very affectionate, huggy, touchy feels and its with me as well). It just gets mean in my opinion. I know I don’t like it and don’t approve. And 2024 I’m getting ready to rock the boat but this is an example of what I would love to know what to say. This is a small example of her over reacting but not in a full rage. But I feel in these situations she could be triggered if I don’t go along with her or especially if I go against her.

This could also happy with me or my daughter. Not raging yet but clearly from my perspective grossly over reacting. Any advice?

If words or scripts worked to solve these issues- there'd be no need for this board. Every poster here has the capacity to have a reasonable discussion and control the actions of their BPD spouse through reasonable discussion. The problem is- this doesn't work. There are ways to reduce the drama in arguments ( the tools, validation) but to act directly on how your wife behaves- no.

What this is- plain and simple- is verbal and emotional abuse. It also crosses the boundary of sexual abuse if she's thinking of her son in that way. He may have the body of an adult, but if he has the thinking level of a child, he's acting like a child. It's the parents' role to understand this and to take appropriate steps to intervene if he acts inappropriately- not to react that way. .

Your wife may not be emotionally capable of being a mother. My BPD mother isn't. All mothers feel stressed and overwhelmed at times. The difference is that emotionally stable mothers have the ability to refrain from acting on it. Having a special needs child is an additional stressor for any family.

You can't control your wife or her feelings. IMHO The best protection for your kids, now that they are older - is to help them to get on their own two feet and out of the dynamics of this situation. It is more challenging with your son but also a part of parenting an adult child with special needs- parents must plan for a time when they are not able to be caregivers for an adult child. Now is the time to look at resources such as group homes, and also resources for how to deal with sexuality in adults with special needs. It could be that the best situation for your son is to not be with the two of you for the long term.

But the kids are just one situation that comes from the main issue- your wife has BPD and your co-dependency- and the only part you can deal with is your co-dependency. Until you are able to manage your own feelings when she has a rage- and continue to try to manage hers so she doesn' have one- or diminish hers- this pattern between you two isn't likely to change. I think this is best done with help from a counselor or a 12 step group.

Your wife's behavior works for her. She has you walking on eggshells and in fear of her rages. Your task is to be able to not be fearful of this- and be able to have boundaries with her. This takes some work on co-dependency.