BPDFamily.com

Hi guys,

I don’t think I want to reverse the breakup, but my girlfriend of 20 years broke up with me 5 months ago. We have 2 children but on no account is she or has she tried to push for us to sell and move on.

I have been physically abused for our whole relationship but stayed because she always went back to loving. She’s not been diagnosed but her dad left before she was born and her step dad was abusive.

In these 5 months I’ve gone from trying to get her to work things out with her constant I love you, I hate you. When I couldn’t understand her strange behaviour I started to understand that she definitely is on the bpd spectrum.

She started seeing someone else and started to physically abuse me even more than ever before, almost daily, she’s not seeing this person anymore as far as can gather but she still hasn’t made any attempt for us to part ways.

It’s been the most horrific experience I’ve ever had, I still can’t believe after 20 years someone could hate me so much for not really doing anything wrong.

Every time I approach her to make arrangements for parting ways she gets angry and shouts sometimes physical. Last week she was threatening suicide a few times the keeps telling me how I’ve destroyed her mental health for 20 years and how she feels our relationship has always been toxic.

I have done nothing but love her, yes I’ve shouted in the past but only because I didnt know why she went into these silent times.

Last week she contacted the crisis team saying she felt like she was going mental, they’ve now taken her on.

I’m just trying to work out why she’s getting so angry when she doesn’t want to be with me and just move on. Yesterday she was screaming at me and saying she was going to throw herself down the stairs. Today she acting like nothing happened and she’s happy. Please can someone advise me as setting boundaries causes rage and accusations. I just want to move on now but she’s doing everything to stop discussing it. Thanks in advance

If I can add, in the past year she’s been comparing me to her abusive step father saying not even him can make me feel the way I do. Very strange how she associates him with me. Last night she pushed her face into mine, not with too much force but then bit my bottom lip, again with not too much force. She hates her step father and I’m wondering if she’s regressed and now she is attacking me as him

Hi Workingthrough and a warm welcome to the group. You're with others who understand how difficult it is to cope with BPD behaviors in a relationship.

One of the first things that came to my mind is that it's good you can recognize you've been in an abusive relationship. That can sometimes be a hard thing to identify, so you're doing something positive by seeing what is really going on.

I hear you that you're not looking to reverse a breakup, and are more interested in learning about BPD traits and behaviors to help you move on. Fortunately, the tools here that can help make a relationship better (like our crisis management section (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=296179.0), can also help you to "turn down the heat" as you prepare your exit.

The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the victim tries to leave, so having a safety plan and a danger assessment can help you figure out how to take care of yourself and what threats you should pay attention to.

We have a Safety First (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=303569.0) checklist (you may need to scroll to the middle of it to find the part relevant to you). Also, the MOSAIC Threat Assessment (https://www.mosaicmethod.com/) (click the button for "Domestic Violence: Female Offender") can be a helpful neutral set of eyes on your risk level.

Let us know your thoughts on those links -- could be a good place to start.

Have you reached out to any local resources yet?

And how old are your kids?

Let's start there and make sure you and the kids are OK, and then we can look at some more "why is she doing that" info. Sound good?