BPDFamily.com

Hi there! I'm so happy to have found this forum. So many of your experiences resonate.

I'm looking for some guidance on how to handle a situation with my 30 year old daughter. I hadn't seen her for 4 years (I live in the US and she lives in Canada) due to the pandemic and immigration limitations that didn't allow me to travel. We did text regularly and FaceTimed occasionally. She came to see me for the month of October.

When she arrived there was a lot of very out of balance behaviour and expectations happening that were causing me concern, but there were also signs of her having matured and moments of helpfulness, kindness and compassion, and generosity. The first two weeks went well, so long as everything went her way.

At the two week mark, I made the mistake of bringing up an issue that she was believing that just wasn't true, and everything devolved from there. I had waited a long time to go to the US to be with my boyfriend (now husband) because I wanted to be sure she'd be ok. She assured me she'd be fine, that she was grown, and she didn't need me anymore. She had already lived on her own successfully, was 24, and I was leaving her my house to live in. So I made the move. In the past year she has somehow developed a belief that I abandoned her.

Last year, her boyfriend purchased the house from me. I gave them a great deal. It made more monetary sense for them to own and be gaining equity in the house than to continue renting from me. It also allowed me to streamline my life more toward the US and receive the equity I had gained in the house. I gave her $30,000 from that equity to pay off all her bills, so I knew she was well set financially. Because her name was not on the mortgage, to protect her rights I also sent her a cohabitation agreement which she never bothered getting signed. She now says she will never forgive me for sneaking behind her back and selling the house out from underneath her and putting chains on her relationship.

Both of these accusations are not true. I spoke to my therapist about them, and she said it sounds very bpd. I started to research what bpd was and it was like they were describing my daughter. She left here at the end of her visit on very bad terms and hasn't spoken to me since.

Right before Christmas her grandfather passed, who I was very close to. I've only texted her a few times since she left, and once was to offer my condolences about his passing and to ask if she's alright. She didn't respond. She did post on fb that you should let your family members know you love them, but I guess I'm no longer in that category.

I sent her a package for Christmas, which she didn't acknowledge, nor did she respond to my text wishing her a Merry Christmas. My husband also sent her a merry christmas text which she ignored. It's hard not to take things personally through all of this, especially when she's been going above and beyond for people through her grandfather's passing. The only contact I've had from her was she did randomly text me some pictures of people who had passed with no message shortly after her grandfather had passed.

So my question is this...

Her birthday is coming up in 11 days. Do I send flowers like I normally do or do I just step way back as a response to her obvious desire to not have contact with me? I'm leaning toward sending them because that is in line with what I think is right, but I don't want to make a mistake. I've seen some people posting here saying not to reward poor behaviour and I don't want to do that. It's been tougher to navigate no contact over the holidays, which I get so many of you understand. I just really don't want to make anything worse.

This is such a common question for all the wonderful parents here providing support and a sense of normality.
And there are no right or wrong answers.
My take (heavily coloured by my own experiences with my child, so feel free to completely disregard), is that your estrangement is relatively new (since October?) and that she has not specifically told you not to contact her, but does not respond to your contact. Her behaviour is hurtful and must be causing you tremendous pain, but she does not seem to be being malicious.

So I would send her the flowers and birthday wishes as usual, and say that you miss talking with her.
If that is what you would like to do.
Sometimes, what WE need to do to feel like we have tried/shown love/not given up, is what is important.
That may be to send a gift, a card, a text or it may be to NOT send anything.

I have just experienced my first christmas where I have not sent my estranged daughter any gifts. The previous two years, I have sent her carefully chosen things that I knew that she would love, via the single relative that she still has contact with. The gifts were accepted and some are seen in her (very frequent) social media videos and photos, but never acknowledged.
She frequently makes nasty social media videos/posts about us (or toxic parents, being fatherless, motherless, narcissist parents etc) and always on our birthdays, mothers and fathers days and Christmas. They are designed to wound us. Less frequently, she posts hurtful things about her sibling - them being the golden child, her being the scapegoat.
I decided this year that continuing to send presents and money was “rewarding bad behavior.” She is actively trying to hurt us and cause us pain. Which is quite different to us feeling pain because she wants no contact and believes that she was abandoned and traumatized by her childhood (when we believe that she was a somewhat tricky child who was very much loved and supported and accepted for her funny, prickly self)

I did send a short text, wishing her a peaceful christmas and saying that she is missed. I needed to do that to let her know that we are still here for her, should she choose to make contact. I did not want to be responsible for her feeling like her family had abandoned her, possibly triggering self-harming or an attempt.

At the early stage of our estrangement, sending gifts and greetings was what I needed to do - to try to mend things or at least not make things worse. We are still estranged,  but I still think it was the right thing to do for me and my daughter, at that time.  Now that her behaviour is more spiteful, and my grief is less raw, presents are not appropriate. Or so my gut tells me. Ultimately, that is all any of us can do - what our gut tells us is the right thing, for right now.
There can also be a relief in making a decision and acting on it, so that you can stop thinking about it. Cycling thoughts and rumination were a problem for me that affected my happiness and ability to function, and I try hard not to overthink everything now. If sending the flowers allows you to move on, then send them.
Whatever you decide to do, you are doing the best you can. It is all we can do.
❤️

Coffeefirst, thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful reply. It really resonated with me. What a difficult road for everyone involved.

hi! (I hope it is correct to refer to both posts!  gosh...your situations resonate (super quick version, my 23 BPD daughter cut ties with me, her father & sister after 3 years of us trying to navigate/assist with her diagnosis (I won't go into how awful & stressful that was) fast forward, she told me I was the reason for her issues, because I was not "present" when she was a child (i have done much soul searching and I just do not "see" this, was I perfect? no...but I gave it 1000 percent (I think kids don't realize parents are STILL people with JOBS, bills, feelings!) in any case, this is our first Christmas apart, (besides crying often) I took this advice from others...Thanksgiving:  i sent her a card (I thought it was cute...said I am thankful for her and texted her (I spent the whole day feeling awful, thinking she was alone) Christmas, (despite MUCH unease, I left her gifts at my mothers (very simple, nothing she could complain about and a wallet with gift cards (last Christmas was awful...she said her father could not come to her apartment (I felt terrible going without him, however, am always trying to reserve our relationship (and see how THAT turned out!) she gave me embarrasingly extravagant gifts (I really tried to do SPECIAL gifts (Etsy!); I said, she outdid herself and she said "that is what happens when you pay attention to what people want instead of buying crap gifts (ugh); i texted her & she DID respond (Merry Christmas, thank you for giving me space, hope you are well, her bday is coming up (always a tense day, because she threatens to "drive into a tree) (3 years in a row, last year that ended her up in the mental ward (that was another brutal day) so....I am going to be very low key (mailing another card & a gift card) even typing this, it makes me so sad that THIS is the best "we" have (though...I do admit, the anxious pit in my stomach, afraid to say the wrong thing is not a picnic either) hang tight, friends!